77. Where are You? (2)

Ashley regained her self-control after letting her emotions out through crying in one of the restaurant's private dining rooms.

The crying was quite intense. But she did her best to muffle her voice, until all she could hear was a low, stifled shriek. Her tears overflowed. Her chest was tight. And her eyes were swollen after all the turmoil she had let out until there was nothing left. It was as if all the inner wounds that she had been suppressing, spilled out all at once without mercy.

Someone might have heard her from outside. The waitress passing by might also want to go in and check the noise she was making. But Ashley couldn't hold back the explosion of anger and sadness that was clogging up her chest. She didn't even care about manners or shame anymore.

After a while, she cleaned her face and slightly fixed her light makeup before exiting the room. Although the polish still couldn't cover her red and very puffy eyes. She took a deep breath before pushing open the door, hoping that the outside world was a little kinder than the chaos raging in her heart.

On her way back home in a taxi, she tried calling Josh many more times. But her calls went unanswered. Her phone screen kept showing the same notification: no answer. And the more she tried, the more anger grew in her chest.

As soon as she got home, Ashley washed her whole body and immersed herself in warm water. She was completely exhausted and couldn't take what she was facing. 

She didn't even know why she was willing to do all of this—taking it upon herself to comply with what those people wanted. While she had nothing to gain but heartache that was piling up day by day.

Ashley filled her head with flashes of the events that caused her to stand at her lowest point today. Starting from her sudden return to Korea. Surprises about marriage that she never thought would happen to her. Agreements that She could not refuse. Until the disaster that happened between her and Josh.

She seemed to be forced to drown by all the selfishness of those people—his family, Josh's family, Josh... and maybe herself. 

As if she had no choice, just a pawn in a big game that she never wanted in the first place.

Ashley couldn't deny that her selfishness also had contributed to her being in this cursed life. Impulsive decisions, the desire to be accepted, the fear of abandonment. All of those mixed together, ensnaring her without her realizing it.

All this pressure and anxiety pulled her into a deep, complicated vortex. Her body began to relax in the warmth of the water, but her mind became even more muddled. She felt like she was being tossed around in a fog that wouldn't go away.

But all those contradictions just made her fall asleep, and was completely dragged into a world where all those nightmares couldn't catch up with her anymore. 

A world of silence, without the faces of judgment and the voices that tore at her heart.

Almost an hour later, Ashley shivered as she woke up. Her skin that had been in the water for too long began to feel cold, and her whole body constricted as the temperature dropped. 

Her shock made her quickly get out of the bathtub to dry off and get dressed. Her breathing was ragged, her heart pounding wildly, as if she had just come out of an unfinished nightmare.

She warmed herself into the blanket and warmed herself up. 

Her eyes briefly glanced at the desk clock on the nightstand next to her bed. It was only four in the afternoon. But she was really tired and didn't know what else to do with her day. Even time seemed reluctant to move for her today.

Perhaps continuing to sleep was a more useful thing for her at the moment. Besides resting her body, she might be able to put all the chaos of her mind to rest for a moment. Just like earlier. The real world was already too exhausting to deal with.

She tried, and tried. Hoping to sink again into a sleep that numbed all feelings.

But this time it seemed like her drowsiness had gone far. Her eyes stared meaninglessly at the ceiling, while her mind remained noisy with all the possibilities and fears.

She had slept in quite a long time in the water earlier. Long enough for her body, but not enough for her chaotic heart.

Ashley considered for a moment, then called Josh again. Several times. But still the call was not answered. 

She was a little annoyed and thought that Josh had really gone too far this time. Josh's indifference felt like a hard slap in the middle of a wound that had not yet dried.

With frustration building up, she opened the message menu and typed a bunch of messages for that damn man. Her fingers moved quickly, full of emotion, without thinking about whether or not to choose delicate words.

My dad came over earlier. And my mom seems a bit suspicious.

He intends to talk to your mother about your boyfriend.

I tried to prevent it as much as possible.

I made up a lot of excuses to convince her that he was indeed your cousin and that yesterday you just didn't have time to tell me about your meeting with him.

For the time being, I think my lie will ease their anxiety.

But I can't guarantee my mom canceling her plan to talk to your mom.

Call me if you can.

You should probably meet my parents. To apologize for canceling the appointment. And convince them that you didn't do anything wrong.

Having finished typing everything she wanted to spill out, Ashley immediately closed and turned off her cell phone. Without wanting to know whether her message was read or not by the man. She was already disappointed enough to hope.

She exhaled loudly. Her forehead wrinkled as she felt that this was all really unfair to her. 

All this burden was too heavy, and she had to bear it alone.

Ashley decided not to interfere too much with Josh's affairs anymore. 

There would be no more silent sacrifices, no more excuses she would make to keep her man's face in front of his family. There would be no more favors she would do for him. 

Starting from now Ashley would be indifferent and ignorant to everything. She will let Josh take care of his own mess, face the people he hurted.

It was all Josh's fault, Josh's doing. Josh should be the one to deal with the mess he made, not Ashley. It was enough that she was the crutch of all the cracks.

But sometimes, it made her doubt again whether she could really bear to let Josh fall into his nightmare or not. 

And if Ashley was cruel enough to make Josh feel the consequences of his actions, was it simply because she was angry that he had caused her a lot of trouble, or for some other reason.

Was it true that she was angry purely because she was being inconvenienced by Josh's mess? Was her restlessness really just because she's afraid Josh will complicate her relationship with her parents and ruin her family's reputation?

Or, was there a little jealousy mixed in that action?

Ashley was silent. The question stuck deep inside her head.

Secretly, without realizing it, the image of Josh’s girlfriend kept appearing in her mind. Her smile, her gaze, even the way Josh looked at her.

Was Ashley’s anger really just because Josh seemed to belittle their marriage? Or was Ashley really harboring jealousy?

She didn’t know.

Ashley hugged herself tighter under the covers. The cold was creeping back slowly, even though her body was dry and the room was warm enough. Perhaps it was her disappointed heart towards Josh that probably made her body feel even more frozen.