5 LEXIE

5 LEXIE

“You didn't make it to my graduation, mom.” I point out, my eyes welling with tears. 

I don’t let them fall. 

Not yet. 

“I was busy, Lexie.” she takes another drag from her cigarette.

“You were busy?” I ask, shaking my head as she stares blankly at whatever trashy tv show is blasting on the small square television.

“Whatever, alexandria.” she mutters, annoyance in her tone and her eyes. She grabs the remote from the armrest next to her and turns the television up even more.

At the mention of my full first name, I snatch the remote from her scrawny hands and mute the show.

“Hey!” she screams, lifting her hands to try and snatch the remote back from me.

“You don't get to call me that! Dont ever fucking call me that. You know that you had nothing to do today. You had absolutely nothing fucking going on, and you still missed my fucking graduation?” 

“Stop cussing at me, young lady. I'm still your m-” she starts, rising to her feet.

“My what? My mom?” I cut her off right away before she can finish the word. “Yeah fucking right. Look around, Sarah. Look at this living room, at this house. At yourself. I have asthma and you think it's okay to smoke inside, right in front of me. A normal mom would never fucking do that shit. Never.”

I point at my apron that's hanging on the hook with my work jacket. “I work over sixty hours a week, at least. On top of that, i go to school every fucking day. On time, might I add. I have the best grades in the entire school, and some of the highest SAT scores in the fucking state. I do everything to make sure we have a roof over our heads. And you couldnt get off of your sorry ass for one moment to come watch me walk across the stage and get my fucking dimploma?” 

“Lexie, please, baby.”

“No.” I cut her off once more. “Ever since dad died, i have given you a fucking pass. Everyone has given you a fucking pass. But im fucking over that shit now. I'm over it. Because you haven't been a mom to me, not even a little bit. You havent had the energy, the motivation, to be a fucking mom to me for four fucking yeats. But you have the energy to be with Jeremy? Who is a fucking creep, by the way.”

Her face stills, not with shock but with shame.

Of course.

“But you already knew that, didn't you?” I ask her, hugging myself as my veins fill with ice. “You knew he's been trying to force himself onto me? And you did nothing?” I shake my head, feeling my body shake as I back away from the woman I once called my mom. 

“Lexie, I'm so sorry. Let's talk about this, please.” she pleads, stepping towards me.

I shake my head, my back pressed against the front door. “No, mom. I'm sorry, but I have to think about myself now.”

Her face falls once more. “What do you mean, Lexie? What does that mean?”

“I'm going to college.”

She nods quickly. “Yeah, in the fall. At the city college.”

I shake my head once more. “No, I'm not. I'm going out of state. I have an apartment lined up, and a job. I'm going to be okay. I paid the bills in advance for you, but only for the next two months. And then it's all going to be on you. I can't support you anymore. I can't be the mom anymore.”

“No, no. lexie. Please. You can't leave me here alone. I need you, babygirl.” she says, dropping to her knees in front of me.

“And I need you to be my mom. I needed you to be my mom and you just weren't. I wasnt enough for you to get your shit together. You became this thing instead of my mom. You were supposed to be there for me, you were supposed to help me get through dads death. But you didn't. You didn't do anything for me. You didn't care about me enough to make sure that I was okay. And I don't deserve that. I deserve someone better, something better.”

She begins to sob, still on her knees in front of me. “Lexie, baby. Please.” she begs.

“I'm sorry, but I can't be your mom anymore. I love you, but I can't be your safety net anymore. Goodbye, mom.”

And then I'm flying out of the house. I run to my car and get in, starting it and pulling away as my mom runs after me.

I watch in the rearview mirror as she falls to her knees in the middle of the road, her shoulders shaking as she sobs.

I finally let my own tears fall.