The Right Kind of Chaos

When Spencer had drunkenly admitted to her classmates that she was still a virgin, she hadn’t expected it to blow this far out of proportion.

In a weird, crude, and overly sexual way, it was almost like she was living in a Jane Austen novel.

A wide variety of suitors had stumbled upon her proverbial doorstep, suddenly interested in acquiring her hand after learning that her imaginary betrothed had apparently abandoned his pursuit of her ladyship.

It was nicer to think about it that way.

It was certainly better than the reality—that half the guys in Hawthorne Hall now seemed to think she was open for business.

This wasn’t what she wanted.

Sure, the attention seemed well-intentioned enough, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that it was the only reason some of them were interested.

“It just feels like it’s some pissing contest now,” she admitted. “Like everyone’s looking at me going, ‘She’s open for business.’”

Theo’s expression hardened.

“Has someone actually said that to you? Because I swear to God, I’ll—”

“—No, no. No one has said anything.” Spencer shook her head. “It just feels that way.”

Theo looked back down at his knitting needles, weaving the next row of his scarf.

It was a new hobby his therapist had suggested for when he felt his anxiety creeping up.

And lately, there had been plenty of anxiety to keep his hands busy.

“Well, if you want me to be straight with you…” He paused. “There’s probably a few that are.”

Spencer grabbed a pillow and threw it at him.

Theo dropped one of his needles just long enough to catch it.

“Please don’t ruin my row.”

She laughed despite herself.

They both smiled as he set the pillow beside him and returned to his knitting.

“Look, it’s not that they’re all hopped up for sex,” he said. “It’s just that, well…”

He glanced at her.

“You’re you.”

Spencer stared at him.

“I’m me?”

“Yeah.”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Theo thought for a moment, trying to find the right words.

Spencer watched him, amused by how seriously he was taking the question.

He finally set his knitting aside and shifted in his seat to face her.

“You may not get it, but you being single is kind of a big deal.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“Why?”

“Because you’re practically unattainable.”

She scoffed.

“I’m sitting right here.”

“I know.”

“Then I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”

He smiled.

“You’re a great girl, Spencer. It’s no wonder people are interested in you. You’ve got your shit together. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re…” He shrugged. “You’re the full package.”

She went quiet.

“You can have anyone you want,” he continued. “And everyone wants a chance at that.”

It shocked her how easily he said it.

Like he was reading the features of her face or reciting instructions.

There was no hesitation.

No attempt to flatter her.

It was simply factual to him.

It was truth.

She prayed the beating in her chest couldn’t be heard by the man sitting across from her.

“Spencer,” Theo said more gently, “you know you don’t have to do this, right?”

She looked at him.

“People are interested in you. Fine. But you don’t owe them shit.”

She mentally shook herself from her momentary stupor.

“I know I don’t have to, Theo. But I want to.”

Her voice softened.

“I want to know what it feels like. I want to have that connection. I know I don’t need to have sex. I know it doesn’t really matter.”

She shrugged.

“But it matters to me.”

Theo listened quietly.

“And I want to do it on my terms, you know? Not waiting around for the right guy like my parents say… or some dumb one-night stand like all my old friends told me to.”

She looked down at her hands.

“I want to have sex how I want to have sex.”

Theo smiled softly.

He understood her perfectly.

And he could see how the way things had unfolded had affected that for her.

“So you don’t want to wait around for some ‘Mister Right’?”

Spencer huffed a small laugh.

“I don’t know. I’m not opposed to it, obviously. If I could lose it to someone I really liked who—”

She bit her bottom lip.

Her eyes dropped to Theo’s hands as he resumed weaving his scarf.

Someone who really liked me.

She didn’t finish the thought.

Unfortunately for Theo, he didn’t look up.

Idiot.

“—Um, who really likes me, I would,” she continued. “But I also want sex now.”

Theo’s eyebrows shot up.

Then he threw his head back in laughter.

“I never know what you’re gonna say, you know that?”

“Gotta keep you on your toes somehow.”

If that wasn’t the truth, he thought.

A comfortable silence settled between them.

Then Theo reached out and placed a hand on her thigh.

His metal thumb traced the bare skin just above her knee.

Goosebumps rose along her arms.

“I support you with whatever you needa’ do, sweetheart.”

She wasn’t sure if it was the coldness of his hand or the nickname that sent a shiver up her spine.

Maybe it was both.

“I know,” she said quietly. “You’re always so good to me.”

There was a new tension in her shoulders as she shifted to face him.

Theo stopped knitting.

He waited.

“And it’s, um…” Spencer scratched behind her ear. “Well, I know—well, it’s because of that, I need to ask you something.”

“Spencer, please don’t ask me for sex advice.”

She laughed nervously.

“I’m a hundred years old, and anything I have to offer is probably wildly outdated.”

“No! No, it’s not.”

She rubbed her palms against her thighs.

Theo waited.

“Do you find me attractive?”

Theo scoffed.

Spencer’s eyebrows lifted.

“You’re beautiful. You know that.”

She sighed.

“Yes, thank you. You tell me that all the time, but—”

“But what?”

“Do you…”

She rubbed her face.

She couldn’t believe she was actually going to say this.

“Do you find me attractive like…”

Her cheeks burned.

“That?”

Oh.

Theo’s jaw went slack.

He really did not want to have this conversation.

“Um…”

He shifted in his seat.

“Well, like…”

“Like that.”

“Wow. Um…”

Spencer rolled her eyes.

“Oh my God, Theo. Do you or don’t you?”

Theo didn’t answer.

He couldn’t.

Her body language told him everything.

She wasn’t asking out of curiosity.

She was waiting for an answer that mattered.

She was proposing something.

He looked down at the coffee table separating them, chewing the inside of his cheek as he shook his head.

He couldn’t do it.

Not like this.

Spencer watched his face change.

The hesitation.

The guilt.

The panic.

She felt her stomach drop.

“Theo…”

“No.”

He stood abruptly.

Spencer blinked.

Theo walked toward the small kitchenette attached to his dorm room.

She followed.

“Theodore!”

“No.” He shook his head. “Don’t you full-name me. I know where this is going.”

He needed water.

Or a drink.

God, why wasn’t it socially acceptable to drink at 11 am?

He opened a cupboard and stared inside as if something in there might provide an escape route.

Nothing.

“Please,” Spencer said. “You’re my best friend.”

He turned to face her with a glass in his hand.

She leaned over the counter, practically begging him. Her hands were clasped together, her eyes desperate.

Jesus Christ.

He had to say something before he gave in.

“Spencer, I can’t. I wouldn’t feel right about it.”

“Why?”

“Because I feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

She rolled her eyes.

“Oh, come on, Theo. I’m not some stupid, naive little girl. I’m a grown woman and I know what I want. That’s not taking advantage.”

Theo’s hands began to shake.

He pulled open the refrigerator and grabbed the water pitcher.

He poured himself a glass and drank it quickly.

Then another.

He was going to combust.

This wasn’t real.

Not only was she asking him to sleep with her, she was begging him.

And he knew if someone else were standing where he was, they’d take the opportunity.

They’d take it and run.

But he couldn’t.

Not like this.

Spencer sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

“Look, you’re the only one who isn’t pestering me twenty-four seven. And I know we’re close. I can trust you, and you’re…”

She hesitated.

“Well, you know.”

Theo stopped.

He lowered his glass.

Now that was intriguing.

He set it on the counter and rested both hands against the edge.

“What?”

Spencer’s stomach twisted.

She had said too much.

“What?”

She shook her head.

He couldn’t see her expression from where he stood, but she wanted desperately for him to forget what she’d said.

He didn’t.

“No,” Theo said. “I’m what?”

He turned around and crossed his arms.

Spencer looked at him.

Tall.

Dark-haired.

Broad shoulders filling out the faded T-shirt he’d been wearing all afternoon.

Strong enough that she’d seen him carry two boxes of textbooks up three flights of stairs without stopping.

And unfairly handsome.

“Well, come on,” she said. “Look at you.”

Something in her voice made Theo’s breath hitch.

It would only take seconds to cross the room.

Five steps.

That’s all.

Five steps and every thought he’d ever had about her could become real.

He knew exactly how easy it would be to close the distance.

To pull her against him.

To finally show her what he’d spent years trying not to imagine.

His hand flexed at his side.

Five steps.

He could make her his.

She was looking at him with pleading eyes and flushed cheeks.

His mind was fucking filthy.

You have no idea what you’re doing to me.

But his silence meant something entirely different to her.

From across the room, all Spencer felt was rejection.

“Oh my God.”

She covered her face.

“Oh my God.”

She laughed awkwardly, taking a few steps backward.

“I’m such a—wow. Uh…”

She wanted to disappear.

“I’m sorry. I’m trying to make you do something you don’t want to do. Oh my God, I’m not gonna make you do that. I’m sorry, I’m—”

She backed into the couch, stumbling slightly.

The jolt brought her back to reality.

She stood frozen, humiliated.

“I didn’t say that.”

Theo’s voice was quiet.

She looked up.

She missed the tension in his jaw.

Missed the way his eyes had darkened.

Missed the desire he’d been desperately trying to bury.

If only she’d seen it.

“You didn’t have to.”

She swallowed.

“How self-centered can I be?”

She tried to laugh.

“Not everyone is going to be attracted to everyone. It’s probably good this is humbling me a little.”

“Spencer—”

A loud pounding of footsteps echoed through the hallway.

Theo closed his eyes.

Of course.

Of all people.

And he thought he’d have to worry about Marcus…

The door opened before either of them could react.

Adrian stepped inside.

He had the kind of confidence that made people move out of his way without realizing they’d done it.

Tall, effortlessly handsome, and dressed like he’d spent more time choosing his clothes than the average student spent studying, Adrian had a reputation for getting what he wanted.

He smiled when he saw Spencer.

“Spencer.”

Her expression immediately softened.

“Adrian. Hey.”

His eyes moved between the two of them.

He noticed the tension.

Of course he did.

“Am I interrupting?”

The question sounded polite.

Theo knew better.

There was a challenge beneath it.

“No, no,” Spencer said quickly. “You’re fine. We were just…”

She glanced at Theo.

His expression was unreadable.

She looked away.

“It was nothing important.”

“Good.”

Adrian’s smile widened.

“I’ve actually been looking for you.”

“Oh?”

“I heard now might be the perfect time to ask you something.”

Spencer tilted her head.

“What?”

Adrian stepped closer.

He reached for her hands, taking them gently between his.

“You’re looking especially beautiful today.”

Spencer blushed.

Theo’s stomach tightened.

Adrian continued as though he hadn’t noticed.

“I passed a sunflower field on my way back to campus. They’re ridiculous. Some are nearly as tall as I am.”

Spencer laughed.

Adrian smiled.

“I thought of you.”

Theo’s jaw tightened.

“And I would love for you to accompany me.”

Spencer hesitated.

Her heart was still beating strangely from what had happened with Theo.

But Adrian was making her feel wanted.

Wanted without hesitation.

Wanted without question.

“I’d love to.”

“Wonderful.”

His thumb brushed over the back of her hand.

“Shall we go now?”

“Oh, um…”

Spencer glanced down at their hands.

“I can’t actually. I promised Willa we’d finish our presentation for psych class.”

“Tomorrow, then.”

Adrian’s tone was light, teasing.

“You can only keep me waiting for so long.”

Spencer’s cheeks warmed.

Adrian smiled, satisfied.

“Excellent. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“That you will.”

He released her hands.

As he walked past Theo, Adrian stopped.

For half a second, the smile disappeared.

His eyes met Theo’s.

There was something smug in them.

Something knowing.

Then he walked out.

Theo stared after him.

He hated him.

Not entirely of course, but he fucking hated him in the moment.

Spencer turned back toward him.

The weight of what had just happened with Theo was still sitting heavily in her chest.

“Um, I should go.”

She gestured toward the hallway.

“Don’t want to keep Willa waiting.”

Theo nodded, forcing himself to rein in his anger.

It wasn’t her fault.

He had no right to be angry at her.

“Sure.”

He swallowed.

“Tell her I said hi.”

Spencer reached the doorway.

Then stopped.

She looked back.

“And, uh… about before.”

Theo’s chest tightened.

“Just…”

She hesitated.

“We’re good, right?”

He couldn’t speak.

“Just forget it ever happened.”

Ouch.

It felt like he’d swallowed something bitter.

A lump formed in his throat.

“No worries,” he managed.

“We’re good.”

Spencer gave him a small smile.

Then she left.

The door closed behind her.

Silence filled the room.

Theo stood completely still.

Then he sank onto the couch.

He had never hated himself more.

He cursed quietly, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes.

He replayed the conversation over and over.

Every word.

Every look.

Every opportunity he’d let slip through his fingers.

A voice came from his phone.

“You alive?”

Theo lowered his hands.

“Nadia.”

“Yeah, that’s usually how names work.”

He sighed.

“I’m fine.”

There was a pause.

“No, you’re not.”

Theo looked toward the ceiling.

“Nadia…”

“Spencer just left your room.”

He froze.

“How do you know that?”

“Because I saw her.”

Theo said nothing.

“And because she looked like someone had just kicked a puppy.”

His jaw tightened.

“She asked me something.”

“About you?”

He didn’t answer.

Nadia sighed.

“Oh, Theo.”

“Don’t.”

“I haven’t even said anything.”

“I know what you’re going to say.”

“Do you?”

He glared at his phone.

Nadia continued.

“What happened?”

Theo leaned forward, elbows on his knees.

“She asked if I was attracted to her.”

“And?”

“And I…”

He swallowed.

“I said no.”

There was a long silence.

“You absolute fucking idiot.”

Theo closed his eyes.

“I know.”

“No, I don’t think you do.”

“I couldn’t do it.”

“Couldn’t do what?”

“Sleep with her.”

Nadia was quiet.

Then—

“That’s not what she asked.”

Theo’s eyes opened.

“What?”

“She didn’t ask if you’d sleep with her.”

He stared at the floor.

“She asked if you were attracted to her.”

Theo said nothing.

Nadia’s voice softened.

“Are you?”

He didn’t answer.

She already knew.

“Theo.”

His shoulders dropped.

“Yes.”

Nadia exhaled.

“Jesus Christ.”

“I couldn’t tell her.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s vulnerable right now.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

“She trusts me.”

“So?”

“So I couldn’t take advantage of that.”

Nadia paused.

Then she said quietly,

“You’re not afraid of taking advantage of her.”

Theo looked up.

“What?”

“You’re afraid of what happens if you tell her the truth.”

He stared at the phone.

Nadia continued.

“You’re afraid she doesn’t feel the same way.”

Theo swallowed.

“That isn’t—”

“Bullshit.”

He rubbed a hand over his face.

“She’s my best friend.”

“And?”

“I can’t lose her.”

“You know what your problem is, Theo?”

He didn’t answer.

“You keep acting like you don’t have a choice.”

He looked toward the door Spencer had just walked through.

“What choice do I have?”

Nadia laughed softly.

“You could tell her.”

He shook his head.

“You could ask her out.”

“No.”

“You could tell her you want her.”

“Nadia.”

“You could do literally anything except sit there and watch another guy walk away with the girl you’re in love with.”

Theo went completely still.

The words landed harder than he expected.

The girl you’re in love with.

He’d spent years convincing himself it was attraction.

Protectiveness.

Habit.

Friendship.

Anything but love.

He looked down at his hands.

Nadia didn’t say anything.

She didn’t need to.

The realization was already there.

Had probably been there for years.

He just hadn’t been brave enough to name it.

“You’re in love with her,” Nadia said quietly.

Theo swallowed.

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

He leaned back against the couch and stared at the ceiling.

“She has a date with Adrian tomorrow.”

Nadia’s voice hardened.

“I know.”

Theo’s jaw clenched.

“I don’t trust him.”

“You don’t have a reason to not trust him.”

He looked toward the door again.

Nadia was silent for a moment.

Then she said,

“That’s the part you need to figure out, Theo.”

“What?”

“Whether you’re angry because you think Adrian is taking advantage of her…”

She paused.

“…or because he’s getting the chance you were too scared to take.”

Theo didn’t answer.

Because he already knew.

And that was the worst part.

He wasn’t afraid of Adrian.

He was afraid he’d already waited too long.