Reality?

Athena P.O.V.

The pain. The noise. The screams. I feel and hear everything. Even in my state of mind, I’m still aware of everything around me, still aware about the pain, hunger and thirst of my body. I eat the minimum late at night, when the moon is highest and my cell is dark so no one sees me moving. I drink only to survive for now. Then I retract back into my mind. 

At least here I don’t have to answer to anyone but Alessa, and even she is leaving me alone these days. I know my captors know I’m here, and I also know it annoys the fucking shit out of Miriam she isn’t getting a reaction out of me, but the moment she enters the hallway, I shut everything off. I already made the mistake of staying somewhat present, only to hear Alec plead with her, and her taunting when they started torturing him. I almost broke my promise to myself then, so now I shut it all out. 

In my calm place my baby is waiting for me, like she is every night I come back here. The mindwalk is not long, and when I sit down, she appears right in my arms. Her coos and small noises make me relax. Do I know she isn’t real? Yes, but it doesn’t make her any less comforting. She is perfect. Just like my baby. Just the way she should have been. My heart soars at the thought of what she could have become, and then it breaks at the thought of her never being given the possibility of becoming anything. 

Alessa joins me after some time. She lays down, but with her head held at eye level. Seems like she has something to say to me, but for the moment she stays still and quiet, listening to the small noises from the mindchild. I sigh. 

“How is it possible to miss someone you never really knew?” I ask my wolf, not for the first time.

‘You carried her, Athena. She was part of you, part of us. I miss her too, you know.’ She answers. 

Same as she did the other times I asked. It doesn’t make the pain any less, but it does help me cope a little more every time I hear her say she misses our daughter as well. 

‘Caspian is still grieving her as well.’ Alessa says, bringing up our mate. 

I’ve been closed off ever since I came here, ever since everything went down. Alessa says it’s been about a year. I have no idea how much time has gone by. She is usually the one who tells me I need to go back and eat and drink something so our body doesn’t waste off. She has also urged me to train in the dead of night, which I took to heart when I couldn’t really lift the small piece of bread in front of me without shaking. 

The routine now is to go back every other night to eat and drink, and train. If I sense Miriam anywhere nearby, I retract again and wait until the next night. She is not getting me. Not again. Never again. I know I’m kind of sacrificing my brother to her mercy on this one, but it can’t be helped. I will not let her get the joy of both beating me, capturing and torturing me. No.

“Are you sure he and I are still mates?” I ask her, not even looking up from the small child in my arms. 

Alessa growls, to which I roll my eyes. 

‘We are still mates, and you would know it if you would open the connection again.’ She answers, anger in her mindvoice.

“I can’t.” I whisper, a single tear running down my cheek. 

For all the things in here being absolutely miserable, the one thing making me actually crack at the defenses is the thought of opening the connection to Caspian again and find out he loathes me and wants nothing to do with me. He must hate me. I can’t imagine a scenario where he doesn’t hate me. Even though Alessa keeps pestering me about how much he misses me, how much he loves me, how worried he is and so on. But deep down he must hate me so much and be so fucking disapointed. 

I lost. And not just lost a little. I lost everything. The baby, the pack, the people. He was gone, and I lost myself. Perspective and all. Everyone must hate me. From my mom to Tilly and Christy. I hate myself. It’s only because Alessa utterly refuses to listen to my reasoning we’re still here, otherwise I would have killed myself when Miriam first brought me here, but it turned out that my wolf can close off my powers when she’s in dire need to do so. Which she did, and she is refusing to allow me access to them until I get myself together. Easy for her to say. So I live here now. With her. 

I feel the morning sun on my skin, and the door to the hallway bursts open. Miriam’s scent fills the whole room in a second and I’m about to close everything off when Alessa asks me not to. 

The footsteps stop right outside my cell, the key rattles in the lock, and I hear Miriam complain to someone with her about how uncooperative I’ve been since she brought me back. Just wait bitch, the worst is yet to come. Alessa asks me if I’m ready to return to the land of the living yet, and I glare at her, while asking what she means. 

She apparently wants me to go back and face reality. But I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. She just snorts, and says I have to at one point or another because she is not letting us die for nothing, and especially not for me being stupid - again. I sigh internally. Am I being stupid again? Am I ready to give up the comfort of my mind and the small mindbaby I keep returning to? Alessa says that the baby will always be here because it’s a manifestation of our daughter, and I can summon her whenever I need comfort. Even awake. 

“See, there is nothing.” Miriam says from the outside world. “She has been like this for a year. We know she comes too sometimes because food is being eaten and water drunk, but during the day..” 

“Leave my sister alone!” Alec says from the next cell, making Miriam laugh. 

“Or what, Alpha? You’ll pee on me?” She asks haughtidly. 

“It would vastly improve the stench you have now.” I comment hoarsely, my throat hurting from not using it for a year. 

Miriam backs away so quickly she falls over the young man she brought with her, her eyes wide, her mouth agape. 

“Wolf’s got your tongue, Miriam?” I ask, peeking out from my messy mop of uncombed hair. “Or did you revert back to default settings of being a stupid, unelegant cunt?” 

Her mouth is not opening and closing, not words or sounds coming out. Alec is roaring in laughter through swollen lips, while Maeve is holding her hands over her mouth, silently also enjoying the show. Her eyes are as wide as Miriam’s as they take me in, but filled with emotions I don’t immediately recognize. 

“You.. Yo.. You’re.. How?” Miriam stammers. 

“You’re so stupid even the brightest crayons don't have enough colors to paint the picture so you’ll understand.” I tell her, rolling my eyes. 

Then I smirk. Jerk forward in a sudden motion and yell “BOO!” And she actually scrambles out of my cell and down the hallway. 

The young man looks at me with level eyes of mixed disdain and laughter. He crosses his arms, looks outside the cell for a second, then at me again. His eyes are bright stormy grey, his skin tanned from working outside and tattoos run up through both his arms and under the t-shirt. I tilt my head, watching him more closely. During my encounter with Miriam, he didn’t move a muscle, or utter a word, but he also did not seem surprised by my sudden awakening. 

“You might have scared the living daylights out of my cousin, and yes, she is a giant moronic asshole, as most of my family are, but I’ve observed you move during the nights where you think no one saw.” He says, one eyebrow quirked. “I’m Leo, by the way.” 

I give him a curious look from under my mop of hair, not answering. His words, his stance, his obvious distaste of Miriam is intriguing, but he is also her family which makes him dangerous. I’m actually fascinated. Maybe Alessa was right in calling me out and getting me to come back to reality. 

‘Now you just need to open the connection to our mate. It’s important.’ She says, grumpy as ever. 

We’ll see about that. For now I just observe as Leo walks out of my cell, closing and locking the door with a head shake. 

A/N

Hi lovelies. 

I'm sorry but this is going to be chapter for today, and then one Wednesday. I'm really trying to get back to two a day, but I was at Comic Con all weekend, and my fibromyalgia is acting up really bad today, so I'm in a lot of pain. 

I do hope you enjoy this chapter though, and I promise more is coming. I just have to get the pain levels to calm down a bit before I can sit longer at my computer. Again, really sorry. 

XOXO

Natacha_h