Chapter 11 - I´m Scared

I couldn't stop thinking about what my mother had advised me. Life was about taking chances, and how would I know if something was worth it without giving it a try? I wasn’t confused about how I felt; I knew I wanted Alex in more ways than one. The problem was that my mother also had feelings for her and seemed to be giving her time to heal. How could I follow my heart when it led me to someone my mother loved too? I needed to know more about their breakup, if there was a chance they could rekindle their relationship. The thought of finding out the truth made me uneasy.

I tried to take it easy as the new week unfolded. The weather was good, no rain to deal with, which made everything a little easier. I planned on going back home this weekend to ask my mother why she and Alex broke up. I needed to know if there was any chance of them getting back together.

By Saturday afternoon, I was driving to my mom's place, hoping to get some answers.

When I got inside, the house was quiet. My mom's car was in the garage, so she hadn’t gone anywhere.

"Mom," I called out, "Mom, hey, I need your help with something."

Alex walked in, drying her hair with a towel. "Your mom is not home, Elizabeth. She had a client, and they drove to the gallery."

I was confused for a second; my mother's car was still here. But then I realized that they probably took the clients car like last week. I also realized that the conversation I wanted to have with my mother, I could have with Alex. She might even have more information since she is the one that left my mom. I turned to Alex, who was now drinking water while facing away from me. I stood there, waiting for her to finish and turn around, but she didn’t. She just looked outside instead. I cleared my throat, "Umh... Alex, can we talk?"

Alex started wiping her face with the towel. "Yeah, I, umh... I am sorry, Elizabeth. I'm sorry for what I did."

I furrowed my brows, confused. Why was she apologizing? I moved to face her from the front. Alex's head fell, and she looked at the bottle of water she was holding, like it was more interesting than me being here. She seemed reluctant to look at me, which hurt more than I expected. "Alex, why are you apologizing?"

"For what happened last week when I took you to your place. That's not usually me. I have been trying to gather enough strength to apologize. I'm sorry for pushing you, for dropping all my life on you, and expecting you to understand and want to be with me. All this time, I have been thinking about me and my feelings but not about you. So, I'm so sorry for being selfish." Alex said all this without looking at me.

I wanted to look her in the eyes and tell her that she didn't need to apologize. I didn’t feel pushed. In fact, I was thankful that Alex wasn’t pushing at all. "Alex..."

"I'm the older one between us, and I've been acting like a love-sick puppy. So, I apologize for everything, for Friday, and for not taking your feelings into consideration. For all we know, you could have hated Paris and might not feel the same way."

Seeing this vulnerable and insecure side of Alex was new to me. She always seemed sure of what she wanted and what she did. It was unsettling yet comforting to see her like this, as it showed me, she was human too.

"Alex, look at me," I said softly. Alex slowly lifted her eyes to meet mine, and I could see the uncertainty in them. "You don’t need to apologize for feeling what you feel. I don’t feel pushed. If anything, I appreciate that you haven’t been pushing. Heck you gave me two weeks after talking and then a week after last Friday, that is not pushing. Paris was… amazing, and I haven’t stopped thinking about it, about you either. I just… I have so many questions about so many things. For starters, I need to know why you and my mother broke up. Because right now, there's so much going on, and I'm scared I'll be hurt."

Alex shifted her gaze outside, then back at me. "Your mom slept with someone else while we were together, and I didn't know. When we were celebrating our two years together, she got very sick, and that's when we found out she was two months pregnant. At first, I couldn't look at her the same. But I forgave her and tried to make it work. Sadly, in the end, it didn't work out. So as soon as the London opportunity presented itself, I broke up with her and took off. I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd meet you, her daughter... All this is just as crazy for me too."

Thank God she understood how crazy this was. I took a step closer, wanting to hold her. She looked like she was about to cry, and I didn’t want to see her cry. Alex took a deep, shaky breath and let it out. I took another step closer, and there was little to no space between us now. I cupped her face in my hands, "Hey... Hey... You can't cry on me now."

Alex tried to smile but failed. Her beautiful eyes were glassy with tears. That broke me.

"Alex, please don't cry," I said, pulling her into a hug. "Please, you did nothing wrong."

We held each other tightly, and I planted a small kiss on her neck because it was the closest thing to my lips. "I'm sorry too for pushing you away without thinking about your feelings. I've also been selfish. I've been thinking about me only and not considering how you feel. I'm sorry." Slowly, we lifted our heads and looked at each other. Paris came crashing back to me. I looked into her eyes and knew I couldn't ignore her anymore. I knew I wanted to be with her so much. I couldn't get this woman out of my mind for almost four months, and now that she was here, I was scared? Why? Why not just take a chance like my mother advised me?

"I'm scared of so many things," I confessed.

"Me too," Alex said softly. "I have been scared of reading the letter you left in Paris."

I arched my brow and pulled away slightly, but I wiped Alex's tears before asking, "You saw it and haven't opened it?"

She sighed and shook her head. "No. I'm scared. I was scared you told me how much of an asshole I was after I lied."

I shook my head, a small smile tugging at my lips. I thought she was here because she read it. "I won’t tell you what I wrote. But... maybe you should not read it."

Alex smiled slowly. "Maybe I should. But first, I need to know... what do you want, Lizzy? Despite everything, despite the complications, what do you want?"

I took a deep breath, feeling the weight of my emotions. I couldn't beat around the bush anymore; I couldn't lie anymore, not to her and most definitely not to me. "I want you. I want you, Alex, without worrying about my mom, without worrying about..."

Before I could finish, Alex closed the gap between us and kissed me. Her lips were soft and urgent, and the moment they touched mine, it felt like the world shifted beneath my feet. Every doubt, every fear, every bit of confusion melted away, replaced by a fierce, undeniable connection. It was like the gates of heaven had opened, and I was being welcomed home.

The kiss deepened, and I could feel her trembling slightly, as if she too was overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment. My hands found their way to her hair, tangling in the damp strands as I pulled her closer. Our bodies pressed together, and it felt like we were perfectly moulded to each other, like we were always meant to be.

I could taste the salt of her tears mixed with the sweetness of her lips, and it made my heart ache with tenderness. Every brush of her lips against mine, every gentle nibble and breathless sigh, sent shivers down my spine. It was as if all the longing and confusion of the past months had lead up to this one perfect moment.

Time seemed to stand still. Nothing else mattered but the feel of her lips on mine, the warmth but also wetness of her body against mine, and the unspoken promise that this was just the beginning. I felt like I was floating, weightless and free, as if I had finally found my place in the world.

When we finally pulled away, both of us were breathless. Alex rested her forehead against mine, her eyes searching mine for reassurance. I smiled, feeling a sense of peace and certainty wash over me.

"That," I whispered, my voice trembling with emotion, "was everything I've ever wanted."

Alex's eyes softened, and she cupped my face in her hands, her thumbs gently brushing away the remnants of my tears. "Me too, Darling. Me too."

I smiled and leaned in again for another kiss, but just then, the main door opened, and we jumped away from each other. I looked down and noticed my clothes were damp from being pressed against Alex, who had been in the pool. Oh God!

My mom's voice rang out. "Hey, Xander, I'm back. I found something that I thought didn't exist anymore... Remember when we..."

Panic surged through me, and without thinking, I ran upstairs, needing to change before my mom added two and two together. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I reached my room and closed the door behind me. Taking a few deep breaths, I tried to calm myself down.

As I quickly changed into dry clothes, I couldn't help but worry about what my mom would say. She almost caught us at such a vulnerable moment. What if she saw us? Was she going to be angry or hurt? What if she wouldn't understand? My hands shook slightly as I pulled on a fresh shirt and jeans, the fear of her reaction gnawing at me.

Once I was dressed, I hesitated for a moment before heading back downstairs. I knew I couldn't avoid them forever. Taking a deep breath, I steeled myself and made my way to the living room.

"Mom, I..." I started, but she came running to me and pulled me into a tight hug. "Honey, I didn't know you were here."

I sighed in relief, grateful that she hadn't seen me with Alex. I glanced over at Alex, who winked at me, her smile causing my cheeks to flush.

"Two weekends in a row, should I start complaining?" my mom joked.

I laughed, feeling the tension ease. "You always complain anyways, so I'll leave."

"Please don't," she said, stopping me. "Xander is about to cook. Have dinner with us."

I looked at Alex, feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness. "Won't that be too much?" I asked.

Alex shook her head, her eyes lingering on me. "Oh no, it would be lovely to have you. But I need to change my clothes, I am kind of dripping," she teased with a playful look that made my heart race. She was going to kill me.

…

I couldn't believe how difficult it was to keep my feelings in check while sitting across the table from Alex, trying to act as if we were just cool. But the way her foot kept brushing against mine under the table and the lingering looks we exchanged told a completely different story. I could feel the tension building between us with each passing moment. It was like that kiss woke something inside us.

As my mother chattered on about her day and her latest client, she poured us each a glass of wine. I knew I had to refuse - I was driving later, after all. But when I tried to decline, my mother insisted that I stay the night. I couldn't help but wonder how I would manage to navigate the evening with the palpable tension between Alex and me.

Throughout dinner, Alex and I continued to flirt subtly, our gazes locking for longer than necessary and our laughter just a bit too forced. I could sense that she felt the same magnetic pull towards me that I felt towards her. It was as if we were dancing on the edge of something dangerous, something thrilling.

As the night wore on, I found myself struggling to resist the overwhelming attraction I felt towards her. I knew this was going to be hard.

Would we be able to survive the night without giving in to our desires? Or would we succumb to the intense longing that pulsed between us? I could feel my resolve crumbling with each passing moment, and I knew that the night ahead would be a test of our self-control. But as I stole another glance at Alex, her eyes dark with desire, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe succumbing to our feelings wouldn't be such a bad thing after all.