Chapter Ten - Dangerous Eye Contact

I sat on my couch, staring out the open window. The rain poured down relentlessly, a constant patter against the glass. What the fuck just happened? Did I hear everything right, or was I out of my mind? Alex had told me she wanted me, that she couldn’t stop thinking about me all this time, that she probably called my name during sex with her fiancée. That we can't push Paris under the carpet.

It all seemed so surreal, so crazy.

I got up and picked up my phone, noticing three missed calls from Lena. She was probably worried because of the message I left earlier. I sighed before I decided to go to bed, promising myself that this week, I would focus solely on work.

The days dragged on, the weather refusing to improve. Grey skies and endless rain mirrored the storm inside my mind. I buried myself in work, taking on extra tasks and bringing projects home, hoping the distraction would help. And for a while, it did. The steady rhythm of work provided a temporary escape from the chaos of my thoughts for almost two weeks. Also, Alex didn't text me or reach out. Which I appreciated because I don't know what I would have done if she was to be pushy.

Despite my efforts, thoughts of Alex and our conversation kept intruding. I replayed our talk over and over in my mind, trying to make sense of it all. The confusion, the hurt, and the undeniable attraction were a constant tug-of-war within me. It was maddening.

One evening, as I sat at my desk working on a project, my phone buzzed. I hesitated before picking it up, my heart skipping a beat. It was a message from my best friend.

 Lena: "Hey, are you okay? You went radio silent. Wanna grab a coffee and chat?"

I sighed, realizing I couldn’t avoid my her forever. She was worried about me, and I needed someone to talk to. I quickly typed a reply.

Me: "Hey, sorry for the silence. It's been a crazy week. Coffee sounds good. How about tomorrow after work?"

Me: "Sounds perfect. See you then!"

The next day, I met Lena at our favourite coffee shop. The place was cosy, filled with the rich aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the soft hum of conversations. We found a corner table, away from the crowd. Lena wasted no time getting to the point.

"Okay, spill. What's been going on with you these past two weeks? What's this biggest mistake you did?" she asked, her eyes full of concern.

I took a deep breath, the comforting scent of coffee grounding me as I began to recount everything. I told Lena about allowing Alex to come to my place, our intense conversation, me crying, and how it had left me feeling utterly overwhelmed and confused. Lena listened closely, her expression shifting between sympathy and shock.

"Wow, that's... a lot," Lena finally said, leaning back in her chair. "No wonder you've been so out of it."

"Yeah," I agreed, taking a long sip of my coffee. "I just don’t know what to do, Lena. It's like, part of me is sad and confused, but another part of me can’t stop thinking about her. I want to feel everything I felt in Paris."

Lena reached across the table, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. "It's okay to feel conflicted. This is a huge thing to process. But you don’t have to figure it all out right now, worse alone since she is also here. Just take it one day at a time."

I nodded, feeling a wave of gratitude for Lena’s support. "Thanks. I needed to hear that even though I have been processing it for two weeks."

Was honestly glad I had her and she knew everything about my situation, because it would have hurt to just not have no one to talk to. I drove her home before going back to my apartment.

The rain still poured outside, casting a reflective mood over my apartment. I glanced at my phone, considering how much my life had changed in such a short time. Just as I was about to set it down, a new message appeared. My heart skipped as I saw the name flicker on my screen.

Alex: "Your mother misses seeing you. Thought you should know. I'd hate for me to be the reason you don't visit her anymore. If you don't want me around, I can always leave when you come."

I stared at my phone, not knowing what to think. Was Alex using this as a way to see me, or did my mother genuinely miss me? But then if she was using my mom to see me, why would she say she'd leave if I wanted her gone? Either way, I hadn't seen my mom in almost ten days. Our phone conversations had been awkward and brief, a stark contrast to our usual closeness. I couldn't tell if I was ignoring my mother or Alex. Normally, I would be over at her place every weekend, to the point where she joked about me needing a girlfriend just to give her some peace. She was my best friend, my person, and I hated that Alex was indirectly coming between us.

This situation felt impossible. How could I be expected to navigate these conflicting emotions? My mother's lingering feelings for Alex only complicated things further. It felt like I was being forced to choose between my own happiness and my relationship with my mother and also her own happiness. The thought of ruining what we have terrified me.

I sighed and set the phone down, wrestling with my thoughts. Maybe visiting my mom would help clear the air. I could text her and let her know I wanted to see her—alone. That way, she could make sure Alex wasn't around, giving us some space to reconnect without any added tension.

With a deep breath, I picked up my phone again and typed out a message.

Me: "Hey, Mom. I miss you. Can I come over on Thursday? Just us?"

I couldn't help but smile when I saw my mom's reply filled with dancing emojis. She must have really missed me.

When Thursday finally arrived, I resolved to focus solely on my mother. This visit was about us, and not even the memory of a captivating woman from Paris would distract me.

I took an Uber to her place since my car was in for service. As soon as I arrived, my mom opened the door and pulled me into a tight hug.

"Hey, stranger, did you just remember that you have a mother that loves you." she said with a laugh.

I chuckled back, "Wow, is this the same person who always told me to get a girlfriend and leave her alone?"

She rolled her eyes. "I meant alone, not alone, alone. You can't leave me for two weeks."

Her words warmed my heart, and I pulled her into another hug before stepping inside and subtly checking for any signs of Alex. My mom grabbed my hand and led me to the kitchen. "Come on, I cooked your favourite. Tell me about your week and how you and Mpumi are doing."

Oh, Mpumi. I had nearly forgotten about her. It had been almost four weeks since I last saw her. But the thought about Mpumi slipped away as soon as we entered the kitchen. The smell hit me, and my eyes widened in delight.

"Oh my God, Mom, you cooked Samp and Chakalaka," I exclaimed, kissing her cheek. "I really missed you. Can you please dish up so we can sit down? “

"And don't avoid my question about Mpumi. She seemed like a good kid. Has she taken you on her bike yet, or are you still scared?"

"Mom, stop being obsessed with my love life." I said not wanting to get into it with my mom. Truth was, I texted Mpumi during the week and told her that I was battling with a lot, so putting her in the equation would be unfair. She was so understanding and so nice about it. But I wasn`t going to tell my mom about that, I didn`t want her forcing me to talk to other people while I was in a very confusing situation.

As I turned around, I saw Alex standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking at me. She must have overheard our conversation. I sighed and muttered, "Shit," before forcing a smile.

"Hi, Xander. I didn't know you'd be here."

Alex was dressed in shorts and a sports bra, with a towel slung over her shoulder. She was swimming in this weather?

"Sorry, I tried to leave, but Miranda wouldn't let me. I'll be outside in the pool to give you guys some alone time. You clearly need it."

I furrowed my brows at her last comment. What did she mean by saying I "clearly need it?"

I looked at Alex, and she didn't move. She stood there, almost like she hadn't just said she'd be outside by the pool. I swallowed hard because my eyes couldn't stay on her face; they roamed over her bare stomach, and I remembered the day my tongue had explored that special place. Remembered how her body had felt on mine. These thoughts immediately made my body grow hot. God, this was going to be harder than I thought.

Quickly turning around, I opened the fridge to get some cool air and maybe something to drink. "Thank you," I said, trying to sound casual. "For texting me about mom. I lost track of days."

Alex chuckled. "No problem. You look good, Elizabeth." She then slowly walked outside, leaving me to catch my breath.

I closed the fridge and took a moment to steady myself. The tension was suffocating. I couldn't afford to get distracted right now. I was here for my mom, and that's where my focus needed to be.

When I joined my mom at the table, she was already dishing up. The familiar scent of Samp and Chakalaka filled the room, bringing back memories of countless dinners we'd shared. It was comforting, grounding.

"Here you go, honey," she said, handing me a plate. "So, how's work been?"

"Busy," I replied, trying to shake off the lingering thoughts of Alex. "But good. I've been taking on extra projects to keep myself occupied."

"Good to hear. You always were a hard worker, when you are avoiding something or someone." She said with a smile, then added, "You know you can talk to me about anything right."

I forced a smile. "Mom..."

My mother cleared her throat and shook her head, her expression one of gentle concern. "I know when my daughter is not fully okay. I don't know if this is still about the woman in Paris, and if it is, then I'd like you to move on. Try to live your life without any regrets. I'd hate to see everything pass you by because of someone you only saw and kissed."

I didn't know what got into my mind or why I couldn't shut up, but I suddenly whispered, "We did more than just kiss."

"Excuse me, what?" The shock in my mother's voice was palpable. "You guys had sex? When and where?"

I didn't want to get into detail, but the words poured out of me, bit by bit. I told her how Alex had waited for me outside my hotel, how we went out for a few drinks, how she took me back to her hotel, and how she made me feel. As I recounted the events, the emotions came flooding back, overwhelming me.

By the time I finished telling my story, I was stupidly crying. Tears streamed down my face as I relived those moments, the confusion, the passion, and the sadness.

My mother reached across the table and took my hand in hers. "Oh, honey," she said softly, her eyes filled with sympathy. "I had no idea it was this serious."

"It's just..." I managed to choke out. "I didn`t know too. I don't know what to do, Mom. I feel so lost."

She squeezed my hand gently. "It's okay to feel lost, sweetheart. But you need to decide what's best for you. If this woman means so much to you, then maybe it's worth exploring. Maybe you should find her and see if she doesn't feel the same. I'm trying to do the same here with Xander but for now I'm giving her time to heal. The heart wants what it wants sometimes and there's nothing you can do about it."

I nodded, trying to take in her words even though they hurt. The thought of her and Alex didn't sit well with me. I couldn't stomach that, I couldn't stomach them. "I am scared that she will feel the same way. I don't want to get hurt," I said quietly.

My mother smiled a little bit, her eyes soft with concern. "Honey, what's love without pain? What's success without failure? I don't even know if I'm making sense, but what I'm trying to say is you won't know if something is meant to be unless you take a leap. This Paris woman is destroying you, and I hate that with my whole being."

As she spoke, I darted my eyes up to look outside for the woman we were talking about but saw her standing there, in the same room with us.

"Um... I'm sorry, I... It started heavily raining."

I felt so embarrassed because I knew that Alex definitely heard our conversation. I got up and wiped my tears then looked outside. "Yeah, I'm about to leave anyway. Mom, can you drive me? My car is getting service and this rain doesn't look like it's going to stop."

"Oh, yeah, honey, I..." she started, but her phone rang, cutting her off. She got up to answer it.

"Hey, are you okay?" Alex asked once my mom was a bit farther away.

I swallowed, trying to compose myself. "Yeah, I'm fine."

My mom came back, looking apologetic. "Honey, I am so sorry, I can't drive you. It's my client. They need to see me and they are on their way."

I rolled my eyes, frustration bubbling up. "Fine, Mom, I'll figure it out."

She stopped and looked at me, her face full of regret. "Elizabeth, I'm sorry, this is just..."

"I said it's fine, Mom. I'll get a taxi." I cut her off.

"Or I can drive you, your mom doesn't need her car and I'm bored." Alex offered, taking a sip of water.

“It`s okay really, you don`t have to go through the trouble.” I said trying to avoid being alone with Alex.

Alex shrugged, “I really don`t mind, Elizabeth.”

"Oh my God, Xander, that would mean the world to me. With the rain, I don't want her soaking and getting sick. Thank you." My mom said before looking at her wristwatch, “Okay, so she stays about 45 minutes from here and it`s at Billiard Street in…”

I furrowed my brows at my mom in disbelief. She was scared of me getting rained on and getting sick? Also, why was she telling her my address? What am I? 6 and can´t talk?

“Mom I know where I stay!” I said and she laughed and pulled me into a hug; “can never be sure, I love you and don`t be a stranger. Now my call,” She pointed at her phone and winked at Alex.

"Glad I could be of help. It`s no problem at all." Alex replied, her eyes never leaving mine.

But it was a problem for me, a big one. I didn't say anything, though. Instead, I grabbed my coat and prepared to leave, my heart pounding in my chest. The rain was pouring heavily outside, and I couldn't help but feel like the weather mirrored the storm inside me, worse after this talk with my mom. She was waiting for Alex? 

As we stepped outside, Alex held an umbrella over us, shielding us from the downpour until we got in the car. The drive was silent, the tension thick between us. I stared out the window, watching the raindrops race down the glass, my mind a whirl of thoughts and emotions.

We arrived at my place, and I got out of the car quickly, desperate to escape the intensity of the moment. Alex followed me to the door with the umbrella, and I turned to face her, unsure of what to say.

"Thank you… umh, for the ride," I managed, my voice shaky.

"Anything for you and anytime," Alex replied, her eyes full of sincerity.

I was about to open my door when I felt Alex's hand gently hold mine, stopping me. "Can I please hug you? To say I am sorry for destroying you."

I knew if I allowed her to hug me, I would lose this battle I was trying to fight and come undone. But then again, how could I say no to Alex when she asked for consent in the most amazing way? Slowly, I turned back around and nodded. Alex closed the gap between us and held me. I couldn't help but inhale her perfume. The way she smelled was intoxicating, and I found myself subconsciously nuzzling her neck. This hug was killing me, it was breaking down all the walls I was trying to build.

Our heads lifted, cheeks brushing against each other. It felt like a force was pulling us together. Our eyes met and I knew I was in danger with how lost i got in them. Before I knew it, I could feel her breath on my lips. I swallowed and shook my head slowly. Suddenly coming to terms with what was about to happen. "I can't... Alex please, we can't."

Alex pulled away abruptly. "Yeah... You're right... I... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry Elizabeth."

Then she left me there, stunned, my heart pounding. I watched her walk away, feeling the weight of the moment crash down on me. I got in, closed the door behind me and leaned against it, trying to steady my breath. What would have happened had I not stopped her?