Chapter 3

I spent the entire weekend working myself up about my first day. I had nothing but time to think about it because I was avoiding my mum. After everything she did to make it happen for me, I didn’t want her to think I wasn’t excited about it. I just kept telling myself that I was overthinking everything. It would be fine. I would make sure it was. After a lifetime of thinking I didn’t fit into the world, it was just hard to imagine being out in it. 

The unknown voice hadn’t come back, and I was gutted. I had expected him to come. I had nicknamed him Pip after one of my favourite literary characters. It felt easier having a name for him. Although logically, he should have been Magwitch because they were both unseen guardians. That was how I saw him, an unseen hand helping me move forward. Except, when I needed him the most, he wasn’t there. 

As I climbed into bed on the Sunday before I started at university, I had all but given up hope of hearing from Pip. I wondered if he would no longer come because I had my freedom. It was my freedom he had talked of. Maybe once I had it, he no longer needed to visit me. The idea seemed to rip me in two. I had never met Pip, but it was like he was inside of me, like when he wasn’t there I had a void. 

I laid my head on my pillow and sighed loudly. I hadn’t realised how less lonely he had made me until he wasn’t there for so long. 

“That sigh was loud enough to be heard miles away.” The relief was instant, as though my longing had conjured him up.

“Where have you been?” I asked tentatively.

“I have to keep my distance. My family is getting suspicious.” There was something about the way he said the word family that made me think he didn’t mean a traditional family setup with a white picket fence. It was yet another question I had that I wouldn’t get the answer to. “Where did my new nickname come from?”

“Great Expectations, but how did you know?”

“I seem to hear your thoughts, no matter how far away I am. Is that what you have, great expectations? Because I’m pretty sure I can’t live up to them.” The suggestion made me sad. Not that he wouldn’t I’ve up to my expectations, but that he thought he wasn’t capable.

“I can’t hear you until I can feel your warmth. I have no expectations of you or anything else. It makes it harder to be disappointed that way.” It was clear we both had our own hangups about things in our past. He felt like a kindred spirit, someone who could finally understand me.

“I hear my family all the time. Maybe, I am more practised at it than you are. I’m sure that will change in time.” He sounded so confident in my ability to grow, even though I knew my powers would always be the same. It was why my parents thought I was so weak.

“So, does that mean you already know about tomorrow?” I knew it was a redundant question because I had felt his presence when I heard the news myself, but I wanted him to confirm it.

“I do. I’ll see you there, even if you don’t see me.”

The excitement was palpable and I spat out the question. “Do you go to UHI?”

“Yeah, I’m a student, but that’s as much as I can tell you. We need to keep our distance from one another. Promise me you will stay away even if you find out who I am.” I didn’t want to agree. I wanted to refuse. Even if I promised, I wasn’t sure it was a promise I could keep. I wasn’t convinced it was even something I could control. It was like my body, mind, and soul craved him. 

“I promise.”

“Sweet dreams, Esme.” The tenderness in his voice gave me butterflies.

“Night, Pip.” As he left, I could hear him laughing. I still didn’t really understand, but somehow I knew he would prefer me not to ask questions. I didn’t want to risk him thinking it was too dangerous to come to me. His warmth had completely disappeared and left me feeling chilled. I pulled my duvet up to my chin and tried to guard against his absence. 

I dreamt of Pip all night long. Laid in the middle of a cornfield, hidden from the world. All the while, he circled me faster and faster until his warmth was in every direction at the same time. Out of nowhere, a warm sensation spread inside my stomach and I woke full of excitement and wetness. 

At that moment, I could feel him. Not like before. It was completely different. He wasn’t close, but his arousal seemed to fill the atmosphere all around me. “I know what you want to do. Do it. Touch yourself.”

“I can’t. I’ve never...”

“You can. If I was there, by your side, I would touch a single fingertip right between your breasts.” I might have been shy and inexperienced, but there was something about the way he spoke that made me forget my own insecurities. I did as he said, just holding my finger there. 

“Good girl. Now, slowly run your finger down between your ribs. Slow down, everything is better with anticipation. Over your navel, keep going. You’ll know when to stop.” The further south I went, the more I could feel his panting breath on my neck. As I finally reached my destination, I heard his low, earthy growl. I whimpered and didn’t know if it was from the new sudden sensation or the effect his reaction had on me.

I could feel him touching himself. Slowly pumping at his manhood, his heightened arousal seemed to infect me with my own. My instincts were taking over, and I caved to what my body wanted me to do. Slowly stroking at my spot, feeling myself quiver with need. “I want you. I need you.”

“You have me, and you always will. Faster Esme, faster. That’s it, cum for me, Angel.” The sensations rampaging through my system were intense and nothing like I had ever experienced before. Then, without warning, it was gone and was replaced with what felt like eternal peace. I laid there weak, like every ounce of energy had been zapped from my body. 

I should have been satisfied, but I wasn’t. As soon as his excitement had come to completion, he disappeared from me again. A completely different kind of yearning had stirred inside me the second I couldn’t feel him any longer.