5. Il mio cuoricino (my little heart)

NINA

AS I boarded the bus for the city, I cringed at seeing how full it was. The men were standing in the aisle, chest to chest, not leaving a space to take a step in. I almost turned around to leave and wait for the second bus but then another presence behind me stopped me from doing so and then I heard the doors to the bus closed shut, taking away my chance to get down.

Now with a heavy presence behind me, so close, that I was unable to turn around and men staring at me from everywhere, I was feeling trapped and uncomfortable. Looking down to avoid their stares, I stood as still as possible. But then a few seconds later, the men shifted in front of me. There stance changing, and suddenly there was quite a space for me to walk further if I wanted to. I didn’t, not until, a thick accented whisper came into my ear. “Move.”

I scrambled forward, and then a hand shot past me and grabbed the man sitting on the seat on my left. The unsuspecting man was wrenched out of his seat and a gentle push on my back had me sitting in his place. When I sat down, I looked at the man who did all this. But he had already turned around, now standing with his back to me. He was wearing a black leather jacket on black denim jeans, a black cap was pulled low over his face and from what I could see he was also wearing a mask.

Suddenly, I got last night’s flashback of the man who had the gun tucked in his pants but as I searched him I didn’t find any outline of a gun on this man’s person. But what do I know, maybe he was hiding one in his jacket and he was the same man as last night. And the thought had cold shiver run down my spine.

The man stood there just beside me where I was sitting, but keeping his back to me. I felt equally trapped and safe from the other men. And it was fûcking stupid of me because I didn’t even know this man and hadn’t even seen his face. He could be the stalker I felt watching me everywhere or a serial killer for that matter.

By the time my stop came, the bus had emptied out but the masked man still stood there in the aisle. I had to tap his back for him to move aside and this time I didn’t even try to glimpse at his face as I rushed out of the bus. My heart was beating fast, half afraid that he’ll follow me and get down here, and I’ll finally know who my stalker is. But as I stood there on the pavement, the bus doors closed in front of me and he didn’t step down after me.

But I swear as the bus drove past me, he stared right at me. Because of the cap low on his forehead I didn’t see his eyes but I could feel his gaze on me. Shaking my head, I crossed the road and pulled out my phone to book a cab for the restaurant where I was going to meet Riley.

Riley had been my roommate for a year before she got into relationship and decided to move out. Because of the high rent, I’d had to change places even though as she’d moved out she had been kind enough to introduce me to Antonio and he had helped me get the job at his hotel.

I took the job because I needed it, and even as I’d prejudice about his kind, he had been the man my mother wanted me to contact in case I needed help. But when I’d found out what kind of man he was and what he was involved in, I’d decided to keep my distance even when it was my life on the line. But somehow he had known things, things that I hadn’t told him, and he had helped me more than just giving me a job without me asking for it. And for that I’ll always be in debt to him which was why I was trying hard to pay him back at least where money was concerned.

As I waited for the cab, I looked around myself and found a public payphone only a short distance away. I walked to it and pulled out my phone card to make the one call I never make with my cell phone. It rang a few times and then the most sweetest voice in the world filled my ear.

“Mamma...”

I smiled, my heart taking a steadying breath after a long time. “How do you always know, il mio cuoricino?” (my little heart).

“No one else calls me.” He huffed. Then asked, “Are you okay?”

“I should be the one asking you that.”

“Are you?”

I rolled my eyes. I don’t know from where he got this dominating trait because neither my mother and I ever behaved liked that with him. “I am fine. Everything is fine with me. Now, answer your mother. How are you doing? Is everything okay there?”

“Everything is fine, Mamma.” His voice softened, now more like the voice of my twelve year old son who always wanted to stay close to his mother. “I am fine. I just miss you.”

I blinked, my eyes burning. “I miss you too, baby.”

“When are you coming to take me with you?”

“Soon. I promise.”

“I am waiting.”

“I know, baby. Just know that I am working to get back to you as soon as I can.”

“Okay.”

“Now, tell me, have you made any new friends? Or maybe a girl friend?”

“Mamma, I am twelve years old. And also, no, no new friends. Everyone here is dumb.”

“That’s not a good thing to say, Johan.” I scolded. (Johan, pronounced as: Yuhan).

“But you said to always speak the truth.”

I rolled my eyes. “Baby, sometimes you don’t say the truth to not hurt others' feelings.”

“But no one is listening to me, I won’t call them dumb to their faces.” The duh was silent and it made me feel stupid where my son was concerned.

I shook my head and said, “You are a cleaver one, and I don’t know from where you got that. Now, I have to go. Take care, okay?”

“Yeah. You too.”

“I love you.” I said in the phone, making sure to not let him hear the ache in my voice. It had been too long since I last saw him. And I was literally feeling half dead because of not being able to hug him.

“I love you, too. Miss you, mamma. Come to me, soon.”

“I will, il mio cuoricino. I will.”

I ended the call with a heavy heart and a teary smile on my face. No matter how many times I call him and know logically that he was in the safest place he could be but still my heart wants him close and to look into his grey eyes and make sure he was eating, sleeping, drinking and breathing fine. I hate that I had to stay away from my own piece of heart but it was my cross to bear. It was the result of making sure I didn’t lose him to my own stupidity. But now, as we stay apart, with all this distance between us, each day feels like a year without my little heart by my side. My proud little baby who had been always careful with me like I was the one who needed to be taken care of, not him. And I wanted to give him the world but it hurt that I couldn’t even give him a proper home. A home with safety.

I wiped a single tear as it tracked down my cheek as I stepped out of the booth. Looking at the app, I saw the car was already waiting for me. I quickly walked the short distance back to my pickup point and got in the car. And as the driver started the engine and car moved, I looked out the window and my whole body jolted as I found the man in black leather standing on the other side of the street and he was looking straight at me.

__

“Finally!” Riley didn’t wait for me to walk up to her and neither did she give me a choice to step back as she rushed forward and hugged me tight. Then, she placed two loud kisses on both my cheeks for good emphasis.

I pulled back and put on a convincing smile. It wasn’t fake because I was genuinely happy to meet her, but after my talk with Jonah and then seeing that man had shadowed my mind. “Hi...” I looked at the two men standing only a step back from her and waved at them awkwardly.

Leo gave me a smile and waved back. Ephraim on the other hand gave me a nod and regarded me with assessing eyes. The first time I’d met him it was not in good circumstances. I was at his boss’ (Antonio’s) mercy but he’d been the one to assure me that I’ll get the help I needed. And I didn’t know how much he knew about my situation, but I knew he hadn’t shared anything with Riley about it for which I’ll always be grateful. I had one friend and I didn’t want to lose her.

Even when everyone we knew judged her for being in a relationship with two men, I couldn’t care less. I still remembered the day she’d told me she was in love—not with one man, but two. At first, I’d thought she was joking, but then from the look in her eyes and the happiness that she had been unable to hide I’d realised it was a real thing. And as much as I found it extraordinary, I was happy for her. And maybe a teeny tiny part of me was jealous too that she had two such men to take care of her, who worshipped the ground she walked on. Oh, how I wondered what it’d be like to not have to think about tomorrow because someone else is doing it for you. To just be, without any care and not fight each day for a better tomorrow and not just for yourself, but also for the tiny human that depends on you.

“Come. Let’s sit, I already ordered for you.” Riley grabbed my hand and tugged me with her to the table.

Leo and Ephraim started to follow us, but Riley stopped and said, “I need my girl time with her. You two need to give me some space.”

Leo nodded and turned to leave, but Ephraim stayed and stared at Riley with a frown on his handsome face. “Ephraim...” She said his name and he arched a brow. “We talked about this.”

He replied, “No. You talked, I listened but never agreed.”

“Sweetheart—” At his narrowed eyed glance, she backtracked and said, “Baby, please let me have some quality time with my friend,” She stepped closer to him and whispered something in his ear.

In return, Ephraim gave her a short nod and then kissed her on the lips before he too turned around and left. Riley sighed, her eyes watching him leave. She said, “Oh, Nina, how I wish I could make you understand how it feels to be loved by two men. And these two are just so perfect together.”

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A. Gupta