All We Know.

I tear a page off my note book yet again after deciding against what I'd written. I take a deep breath before picking up the pen to try again but my mind goes blank. I'm struggling with my words today. It's been like this since this morning.

I have an appointment later to see Dr Moyo for my monthly session and I wanted to write something, I guess to show my progress but if I'm being honest, there isn't any. I'm going downhill.

I was doing good for a while, I'd started writing again but now I'm not sure what happened because I hadn't written in a while. I'd used to write on my notebook every time I had a writer's block and that used to help me get back to my flow but it wasn't doing anything this time around.

My boss surprisingly gave me a day off today, I guess because I still have this big bandage on my face and he probably didn't want to have to deal with seeing that. He'd been very blunt in telling me I shouldn't come to work, leaving no room for me to argue that and so I didn't. I hate taking off work when I have a lot of active accounts I'm dealing with but he didn't really leave me any choice.

I decide to retire after a couple of attempts at writing then get ready to go see my therapist. I'd been delaying my sessions for a while now but because of my recent behavior, I feel it's absolutely necessary that I go. I'd called in this morning to ask to be squeezed in and they'd gladly done so, I know it's because the doctor is really concerned about me. 

I enter the nicely decorated office then head straight to reception. 

"Hi, Mia Oliphant for Dr Moyo," I say then the sweet receptionist asks me to have a seat and I do so. 

Dr Moyo's practice rooms resembles a gender-neutral nursery. It's got really soft and calming colors, you can't help but feel relaxed. 

I don't sit there too long before, 

"Mia," she calls and I make my way over to her office. Dr Moyo is the one person who's truly gotten me to really open up. I'd gone through a lot of psychologists throughout my life and I'd given up on therapy because it didn't seem to work, until I met her.

It wasn't that she took a different approach, it was that she'd been patient and understanding with me. I appreciated that as I'd always felt judged with the others. 

"How are you doing Mia?" she asks getting me out of my daze. 

"I'm alright thanks doctor, how are you doing?" I ask back jokingly. I know she doesn't like it when I do that. She says I'm paying her to talk about myself not the other way around.

"I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now to be honest." I then say deciding to put jokes aside.

"How about you start by telling me how you ended up with that on your face," she says with a smile, reminding me of the ugly bandage covering me and I chuckle. 

"And then follow up with an update on your life since the last time I saw you," she says and I blush at the fact that she doesn't mention I'd been avoiding my sessions. I'm grateful because I don't have to come up with an excuse.

"Well first, I told Meghan that I don't know what Tristan sees in her beyond her looks and well, she wasn't happy with that," I say with a chuckle and for a second I see disappointment in her eyes before it's replaced by no emotion. 

"Why did you do that?" She asks softly after a while. It was like she wanted me to really think about not only what I'd said, but how I said it.

"I guess because I'm jealous of her," I reveal now with a frown. We take another pause and I feel light tears drip down my cheeks at the confession. 

"She's got him in a way I've never had him before," I continue to say honestly. I want so bad to tell her that I've completely gotten over him. That putting myself out there and meeting new people like we'd planned had worked.

I guess it had, partly. Having friends outside of Tristan has really broadened up my horizon. I'm learning more about myself by putting myself out there and it's been great. But Tristan? He's still the one my heart craves for. The center of my universe.

"Do you feel guilty? That you still feel this way about him?" She asks now handing me a tissue and I grab it.

Guilty? I feel horrible. I am the bad guy in their love story. I'm the one who just won't let them be happy. 

"I hate myself for being this person. He's supported me in every aspect of my life and the one time he wants me there for him I go and ruin everything. I hate myself for loving him," I reveal again. This time my tears stream down my face. 

"It's like I keep battling with my heart. I can't seem to choose between loving him enough to let him be happy, and loving myself enough to accept that my heart chose him and so we need to be together." I finish and then we pause.

She hands me the whole box of tissues and we just sit for a while as I try to calm myself down.

This is the magic she performs. She doesn't tell me what's wrong with me but rather, she lets me figure it out on my own. She asks the right questions and I shock myself with the answers.

"You're upset with yourself Mia because you feel you're not progressing well enough." She notes and I nod.

"You've done a few sessions and you feel like you should be all good now and ready to take on the world," she continues.

"What you fail to realize is that healing is a journey. Healing is battling with your feelings, but also acknowledging them, whether good or bad."

"Don't be mad that you're falling into old patterns, that's inevitable. Be grateful that you're now mindful of it. You realize what you're doing - when you do it and that's what ultimately creates change." She finishes. 

We hug after my session and I'm soon on my way home with a clearer head.

It's ok that I'm still not ok. There's no timeframe to healing.

Because healing is a journey.