Easier Said.

I stare at my computer screen as the thin line blinks for me to start typing. My heart is beating a mile a minute and my head is on a rampage. I shut my eyes tight and take a deep breath to keep myself from going crazy. In and out. And then it starts, just as I remember it. The words slip through my fingers like a song I know all too well. One word after the other, never ending. It's been so long that the feeling is so alien. I missed this.

I finish a chapter in no time and find myself sighing in satisfaction. Writing has always been my calm through the storm. My drug.

I save the draft and get ready to start my day. Mondays aren't that great but I decide I'm going to have a good day. A better day.

I haven't seen nor spoken to him in over three months. I needed time and he respected that. I heard the proposal went great and I'm happy for him, I really am. His happiness has always been the most important thing to me.

"Healing and patience are lovers." I sing at the top of my lungs as I back my car out of the driveway. 

"Don't place the blame on your heart, just to shut 'em up," Alessia Cara continues to sing to my heart, she does that a lot. 

"There ain't a rush to recover," people stare at me funny as I make my way out of my apartment building but I don't care. I guess they're not used to seeing me ... happy? 

"'Cause it's easier said, it's easier said than done." The song ends and I decide to drive the rest of the way in silence. Three whole months of crying and self-pity might have actually helped. I mean saying I'm over him is completely pushing it but the time off from him made me focus on me.

I finally confronted the huge baggage on my back that I'd been carrying for all those years. I can't even blame him because it's all my fault. I made myself believe that the only happiness that exists in this world for me is if we're together. I never allowed myself to make new friends because I told myself he's the only person I needed.

When I first started seeing my therapist two months ago, she'd asked me to name people I have the most interactions with. The list hadn't been shocking to just her and what we'd agreed on that day was that I was going to be more open in meeting new people. 

I didn't try much if I'm being honest.

As I make my way into my office building this hot morning of October, I feel like a brand new person. I stop and ask my colleagues how their weekend was as opposed to mumbling hellos in passing.

My smile barely leaves my face as I chat with Mpho, the barista. I order a Mocha-chino for myself and he looks at me like I'd grown a third eye. I explain to him that I'm trying something new and that seems to shock him even more. 

"Well someone's in a good mood today," I hear a voice sound from behind me while I wait for my order. 

"Good Morning Mr Romano," I greet my jerk of a boss sarcastically. 

"Mr Romano is my father. Please, call me Jake," he says seemingly unfazed by my sarcasm.

"Nope. Mr Romano will do just fine thanks," I say silently praying my order is ready. It's not. 

He gives me a smirk and pulls a chair beside him for me to sit and I happily decline. I look behind me and Mpho is holding my order so I make my way back to him instead.

I take a sip of my Mocha-chino and cringe as I make my way onto the elevator. Change is not always good but it's necessary.

Just as the elevator doors are about to shut, I see a figure running towards it but I let it close. Oops I mouth. I'd be damned if I stop the elevator for that monstrosity. 

He thinks because he stopped it once for me we're cool. Well he's also the reason behind my dropping a very hot cup of hot chocolate all over myself in front of my old boss, so spoiler alert, we're not cool.

Mr Romano senior went on a surprise retirement a few weeks ago, leaving us with his douche of a son. All he does is sleep with everyone in the office and makes my life a living hell. 

He makes me do all the work while he does whatever he does when he's supposed to be working. I'm convinced being an asshole runs in that family.

I decide I'm not going to let him ruin my good mood as the elevator doors open and I head to my desk to do what I was hired for.

I manage to completely ignore his existence throughout the week. I've found it makes life easier. 

Other than that, things are great. I've made new friends, taken on writing again and I no longer eat my lunches in my car. My shrink would be proud.

Who knew having a positive outlook can completely change your life? I guess every self help book that exists.

I manage to keep this new found frame of mind, at least until this Friday morning. Because as I stare at the three worded text he sent, I feel envious of the hold he has on me. 

I continue to stare as if the words would disappear. Only he can ensue this out of me.

'I miss you.'

So simple, yet my heart doesn't seem to think so. He misses you as a friend idiot! my conscious screams at me. Why does he always do this to me? 

I want to reply. I want to tell him how I've made new friends and how my new boss is such an asshole. He would reply and say I should give him a chance and tell me how proud he is that I've opened myself up to meet new people. He would be even prouder to know that I've started writing again.

It takes me a while but I finally manage to put my phone down. Leaving him on read as I make my way to the shower to get ready for work.

Baby steps.

Later that evening, my colleagues and I go to a bar. I'd found out earlier that week that they go out every Friday after work and they'd insisted I joined. It wasn't like I had anything better to do.

We're sitting at a corner booth and I see Lebo sitting on top of Thabo. 

"Uh, don't you guys hate each other?", I ask genuinely curious. The two can't stand each other at the office, at least that's what it seems like.

"It's all an act," Katie answers as everyone erupts in laughter. 

"Yea, they say it's so no one finds out but I think it's 4play," Ruan comments earning a punch from Thabo as everyone continues to laugh. 

It's only been just under a week but I've really warmed up to them. I told them I'd always found them intimidating and they'd laughed at that.

We're taking shots after shots and I listen to my body begging me for more. I'm not much of a drinker but I can't help but welcome the feeling of numbness that comes with it.

I hear everyone cheering as I'm about to take my umpteenth shot. Stopping in my tracks, I look over to see my boss with a smug look on his face.

Well damn.