CHAPTER 13

The Things I Couldn't Ignore

James had already been back in Riverton for a couple of days, leaving me alone in Bellmont with far too much time to think. I had actually enjoyed having the space to myself. There was something peaceful about waking up without having to worry about anyone else, getting dressed whenever I wanted, going out when I felt like it, and spending the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing. James and I had spent enough time together for me to realize that I enjoyed his company more than I had expected, but I still wasn't sure what I felt for him. I cared about him, and I loved the way he treated me, but I couldn't pretend that I felt something I didn't. Maybe that was why his being away didn't bother me as much as it probably should have.

That morning, I had spent most of my time relaxing in bed, talking to my sisters and watching movies. James had sent me money the day before because he knew I had been staying inside almost the entire time I was in Bellmont. I had eventually gone shopping, bought myself a few things, and even treated myself to a takeaway pizza. I had been so excited to eat it when I got home, but the moment I opened the box, the smell had turned my stomach. I couldn't understand it because pizza was something I normally enjoyed. I had closed the box and convinced myself that there was nothing strange about it. I had been sick before, and I wasn't going to start imagining things just because one meal suddenly smelled terrible.

Later that evening, James called me from Riverton. The moment I answered, he started teasing me, and somehow we ended up laughing about the smallest things. He told me about work, and I told him about my shopping trip and how I had spent most of the day doing absolutely nothing. At one point, he laughed and said, "It looks like you like me when I'm far away from you." I immediately denied it, but he kept laughing because he knew exactly how to get under my skin. He said that whenever he was around, I wanted my space, but the moment he went back to Riverton, I suddenly enjoyed talking to him all the time. I told him maybe I just preferred him as a phone boyfriend, and we both burst out laughing.

The conversation was easy until I remembered something that had been sitting heavily on my mind. There had been a day when James had called me several times and I hadn't answered. I had been with Vince that day, and James had never known why I had disappeared. I knew telling him the truth might hurt him, but I also knew I couldn't keep hiding pieces of my life from him.

"James?" I said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember that day you called me and I didn't answer?"

He was quiet for a second. "Yeah, I remember."

"I was with my husband."

The laughter disappeared from his voice immediately.

There was silence on the phone, and I knew he was hurt before he even said anything. I explained that I hadn't ignored him because I didn't care about him. I had been caught between the life I was trying to leave and the life I was trying to understand, and at that point, I hadn't even been honest with him about being married. James didn't shout at me, but I could hear the disappointment in his voice when he told me he wished I had trusted him enough to tell him the truth. I apologized, knowing there wasn't much else I could say. He eventually told me that he wasn't angry with me; he was simply hurt. That somehow made me feel worse because anger could have been easier to deal with than knowing I had genuinely disappointed someone who had been good to me.

I sat quietly on the bed, twisting the blanket between my fingers while the silence between us grew. There was something else I had been trying to tell him, and suddenly I knew I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. My stomach had been strange for days. Certain smells made me gag. Food I normally enjoyed didn't taste right anymore. My period was late, and I had started noticing things that I kept explaining away. I had even woken up in the middle of the night craving ice cream so badly that I had asked James to get it for me, and despite it being ridiculously late, he had still gone out of his way to help me.

There was another reason the thought of pregnancy had started becoming harder to ignore.

My mother's words.

Before I had even travelled to Bellmont, my mother had told me that she believed I was pregnant. She had even told me about a dream she had where she saw me heavily pregnant. I remembered laughing when she told me because I couldn't imagine how that could possibly be true. My sister had said something similar, and I had laughed at her too. I didn't take either of them seriously because I had already been told by doctors that having children would be extremely difficult for me. As far as I was concerned, pregnancy wasn't something I needed to worry about.

But now, lying alone in Bellmont, those words kept coming back.

You're pregnant.

I swallowed hard.

"James?"

"Yes?"

"I need to tell you something."

His voice immediately became serious. "What is it?"

I took a deep breath, but the words still felt difficult to say.

"I think I'm pregnant."

Silence.

I stared at the ceiling, waiting for him to say something.

"I'm not completely sure," I quickly added. "I haven't taken a test. I just think I might be because my period is late and I've been feeling sick. I don't know what's happening to me."

James didn't answer immediately.

Then he finally spoke.

"Are you sure?"

"No. That's why I'm scared."

I told him about the nausea, the perfume that had made me gag, the pizza I suddenly couldn't stand, and the strange cravings. I told him about my mother and the dream she had before I came to Bellmont, and how my sister had also said something that now seemed strangely similar. I admitted that I had laughed at them because I genuinely believed pregnancy was almost impossible for me.

James listened without interrupting.

When I finished, he took a deep breath.

"Then we need to find out for sure."

"I know."

"But whatever happens, don't sit there alone and scare yourself."

I looked down at my hands.

"I'm scared, James."

"I know."

There was something about the calmness in his voice that made my chest loosen slightly.

He didn't run.

He didn't blame me.

He didn't tell me that I had ruined his life.

He simply stayed there on the phone with me.

And for the first time, I allowed myself to consider that maybe the doctors had been wrong.

Maybe my mother hadn't been imagining things.

Maybe my sister's joke hadn't been a joke at all.

Maybe there really was a little life growing inside me.

But until I saw that test with my own eyes, I refused to believe it completely.