Chapter 14

The Things I Wanted

The next day, James came back to Bellmont, but he didn't come home immediately. He had work to finish in town, and from the way he had explained it, he knew it was going to take most of the day. I wasn't bothered by that. In fact, I was quite comfortable being alone. Since telling him that I thought I was pregnant, there was a strange feeling between us that neither of us really knew how to deal with. He hadn't been cruel or angry with me, but I could tell that the news had hurt him. Maybe he was disappointed because everything between us had already been complicated, or maybe he had imagined our future differently. I couldn't blame him for feeling whatever he was feeling. I was confused myself.

I spent most of the morning inside, moving between the bedroom and the living room without really doing much. I watched television for a while, then picked up my phone and talked to my sisters. Every now and then, my thoughts would drift back to the pregnancy. I still hadn't completely processed it. I knew I was pregnant because I had told James, but saying it out loud didn't mean I suddenly knew what I was supposed to do next. I was still thinking about Vince, my marriage, James, my parents, and the life I had imagined for myself before everything became so complicated. Sometimes I would place my hand over my stomach without even realizing it, then quickly pull it away because it still felt strange to think there was a baby growing inside me.

By the afternoon, I was starting to feel tired. I lay on the couch with a blanket over my legs and watched a movie I wasn't really paying attention to. I kept checking my phone, not because I was waiting for James exactly, but because I wanted to know when he was finally done with work. I didn't know what I would say when he came home. Things between us had changed since our conversation on the phone, and I could feel it even though neither of us had said much about it. I cared about him, but at the same time, I was beginning to notice that I didn't feel the same excitement about being around him anymore. Even his perfume, which had never bothered me before, had started making my stomach turn. I couldn't understand why.

It was already late when I finally heard the door.

I looked up from the television and saw James walk inside. He looked exhausted. His clothes were slightly wrinkled from the long day, and he dropped his things down before taking a deep breath. For a moment, he simply stood there, looking around the room as if he was trying to switch his mind from work back to home.

"You're still awake?" he asked.

I smiled. "I was watching a movie."

He nodded and walked over to sit down. We didn't immediately talk about the pregnancy or the argument we'd had. There was still that awkwardness between us, but it wasn't unbearable. We were both probably tired, and I didn't feel like having another serious conversation that night. Instead, I asked him how his work had gone, and he told me it had been exhausting. I listened while he explained some of the things he had to deal with, occasionally making little comments that made him laugh.

For a while, it felt normal again.

I watched him while he talked, and I realized that despite everything, I still liked having him around. Maybe I didn't feel the way he wanted me to feel, but I appreciated the comfort of knowing there was someone there. Someone who would answer when I called. Someone who would go out of his way to help me. Someone who had stayed supportive even after learning that I was pregnant.

I wasn't sure what that meant for us.

I only knew that I wasn't ready to lose him completely.

After we had been sitting there for a while, I suddenly remembered something.

"James?"

He looked at me. "Hmm?"

"Can you get me something?"

He gave me a suspicious look.

"What?"

"I want ice cream."

He looked at the clock.

"Now?"

I nodded.

"Yes."

He laughed softly. "Amara, it's late."

"I know."

"And you want me to go out now?"

I smiled. "Please."

He shook his head and leaned back against the couch.

"You've been very demanding lately."

"I haven't."

"You have."

I laughed.

Then I added, "I also want hot ginger buns."

He stared at me.

"Hot ginger buns?"

"Yes."

"At this time of night?"

"Yes."

He rubbed his face and laughed.

"I don't even know where I'm going to find hot ginger buns now."

"You'll find them."

"You're very confident."

"Because I know you."

He looked at me for a moment, then shook his head again.

"You really know how to send me out."

I smiled.

"Please, James."

He eventually stood up and reached for his keys.

"Fine. Ice cream and ginger buns."

I smiled brightly.

"Thank you."

He pointed at me.

"But if I come back and you're asleep, I'm eating the ice cream."

I laughed.

"I'll be awake."

He walked toward the door, still shaking his head.

As I watched him leave, I couldn't help smiling.

It was such a small thing.

Just ice cream and hot ginger buns.

But somehow, sitting there alone after he walked out, I found myself thinking about how strange everything had become.

A few days earlier, I had been questioning whether I even wanted to be around him.

Now I was sending him out late at night because I had a craving.

I placed my hand over my stomach again.

For the first time, I wondered whether these strange cravings really were connected to the baby.

I didn't have an answer.

All I could do was wait for James to come back.

And hope that whatever was happening inside my body wouldn't change everything between us.