Drastic Inner Pain

She hailed out of her room running like a girl being raced by woofing dogs, for it was at night, one that had that gentle cool breeze as if it was a spring season.

Well it was the third month of the year, winter was beginning to knock on the skins of souls, and she never liked winter, just as more homo sapiens do.

She came out of that room of hers bursting into tears, emotionally wrecked down, torn apart, her crying was conflicting with the breeze that was there at that moment as it was becoming stronger than it had began.

She sat down on one of the nice big rounded set of rocks outside the house, a bit far from the house because it was a huge yard, she took a glance at nature, questioned, queried and inspected her mind endlessly about what had occurred. 

She didn’t identify what to do next, she felt so bare, sudden emptiness it was, she felt so unaided, as if she was the only creature breathing out air in this planet.

She knelt down on that ground, lifting up her hands above the heavens helplessly, vulnerable, thinking of why it had happened, feeling like everything that had occurred was her accountability, but she sometimes upturned that thought.

Her feelings were contending with her mind, she really had no clue on what to take note to.

She was so young, a teenager that was aged 16, swotting in one of the very best schools of her country, a school that was built in town, homestead that was built in town, her church was built in town too, her life orbited in town all her life.

She was a pretty girl, no! Beautiful, faultless complexion, perfect height for her and an excessive body.

As she was settled there, folding herself in the cool gentle breeze, bucketing out the salty waters out of her eyes, a flashback came through. 

She saw him through her imagination, vulnerably  sick, walking at a slow pace, very slow pace, going through her house,it was more like a vision, doing everything helplessly,had no get-up-and-go at all.

He hardly spoke because of bad health, but the smile was there, even though he couldn’t normally smile but it was natural and unalloyed, it was all out of love, pure love! 

 It was a man that she met once or twice a year for one or two weeks all her life since she was 4 years old, and that was before she went to her pre-school which was also in town.

She felt like it was a hallucination, a nightmare that was always sticked and glued in her mind, one which she will never be unable to call to mind.

She cried louder than before as soon as that flashback went away, she just couldn’t believe it was happening at all.

She never even had much strength to do anything, I mean she had to attend church in that week, she really loved church,and God such that she never missed Sunday services, but this situation made her think twice about going to meet God.

Not because she was lazy but you know that time when you going through a hard time and everybody knows about it, they always try to comfort you and pitiness is something she never liked because she would just have an emotional breakdown publicly.

A phone is one thing she never had, she wanted it so bad, the only thing she ever wanted in that moment was to call her big brother and tell him of what had just befell in that hell of an hour, and unfortunately it wasn’t possible.

It was completely not a brother from another mother or father, they were not relatives nor cousins.

It was a guy whom she leaned on daily basis, on situations that she found hard to face alone.

No one could understand their relationship, it was too complex for them to explain what they had together, the only people who understood what they had together was them, they knew what they had.

It was real, she told herself she was going to call him next day. She hardly slumbered that night, actually she never did, and she cried herself to sleep. 

She was the most responsive girl ever, she cried when felt like doing it, she never premeditated to drop out those tears, it just transpired, she had the most tears ever too.

Her father’s funeral originated, her father being the man that appeared on that flashback she had on that night. 

She couldn’t stand even at the front as she as she was supposed to do so, because of her emotional breakdown.

She didn't want to watch the coffin going down because she knew she wouldn't handle herself, especially with everyone pitying them as his children. That part always destroys one you know…

 There are things that never wiped out in her memory, like, how she responded the day her father came in her home, honestly speaking she was rude to him, she was never happy, she got annoyed,  actually in all the days her father spent in her home.

The last picture she had was when she was nursing him when he couldn't even move his feet  because of pain, and how he passed away lying on his sickbed.

It hurt her so bad because she had never experienced such before, she was starting to enjoy her father’s presence unlike before but unfortunately she began enjoying it late… If only she knew. 😉

Sometimes she felt like her father deserted her when she was only a toddler, reason being she felt so alone although she had a great life. 

She had this huge regret that if only she had tried her very best to take care her of her dad, but it was too late.

There are words that were sometimes vocalized by her father every morning when she left for school.

He always told her to study very hard so that she can thrive in life, those words rang like a bell in her mind.

She always remembered them like yesterday, they kept her going. 

Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks and months went by. She had to move on, she really had, and she got tired of staying with negativity and misery.

School was the only thing that kept her happy, meeting friends who were just crazy naturally and being around her peers who loved her so much.

The time she turned 16, sweet sixteen so she said, was the most amazing feeling she had ever had all her life.

She felt so good about herself, she felt new, alive, and beyond all of that, she felt so mature, she felt that was the time when she could differentiate between right and wrong.

That’s when she felt like she can make her very own decisions, she felt like that was her time to live to the fullest, it was just a normal feeling.

Living to the fullest never meant going "wild" like anyone would reckon, for her it meant "BEING HAPPY AT ALL TIMES".