No accusations, no confrontations

I don’t remember my drive home. I think I was in a bit of a daze. Have you ever known something but you just don’t want to believe it? Could this really be what I think it is or is this just a friendship? Albeit, a friendship that has crossed some boundaries.

I walk into our home and look around. There’s photos us over the years on the walls. It’s painted in warm colors and it’s cozy. Michael never really cared much for decorating this house, but it’s ours and I’ve taken so much pride in it. I’ve strived to be the perfect wife; I have dinner on the table every night, the house is clean, his clothes are clean and hung up for him, we do things that he wants to do, I give him constant affection and tell him how much a love him everyday, and we spend holidays with his family. I have often set aside my own wants in favor of his to keep him happy. It never bothered me because I love him so much.

I walk upstairs to our bedroom with my bag from the boutique. Setting the bag on the bed, I stand still for several moments considering what to do. I don’t really know what’s going on, or what his relationship is with that woman, but it seems as though he has crossed into a more than friendship relationship with her at the very least. I need to find out more information before I make any further decisions. The last thing I want is to make accusations that are not legitimate. I don’t want to push him away more.

It’s just after 5:30 pm when I hear the door open, the telltale sign that my husband is home. On a normal day, I’d have made a homemade meal complete with dessert. Today wasn’t a normal day though, so I decided I didn’t feel like doing that. It will be first time in years he’s come home and there’s no meal waiting for him. Instead, I’m in my pajamas in the living room, wrapped in my favorite blanket watching one of my favorite movies. I made extra butter popcorn, and decided that was going to be my dinner. I’m not sure what he’ll eat, and I’m also not sure I care right now. Once I was settled at home after shopping a feeling of helplessness filled me and I had no motivation to cook or do anything. It’s not my usual demeanor, but sometimes you need a night off. I’m taking my night off.

I hear him walk to the kitchen and set his brief case down. There’s a pause of the clip of his shoes on the kitchen tiles. Then I hear the clips coming closer to me. He appears in the doorway, looking so handsome. He’s tall, lean with a runners body, brown eyes, a nose that fits his face, but has a slight hump in it from an accident in childhood, keen eyes, a square jaw, defined cheekbones, light brown hair with streaks of bronze in the light, asymmetrical lips, and straight slightly bushy eye brows. Currently those keen eyes are fixed on me with concern.

“Are you feeling okay? I noticed dinner isn’t made.” He says to me as he takes me in. It’s clear he’s trying to figure out why I’m sitting on the couch wrapped in blankets. His brows furrow as he looks from me to the popcorn bowl.

“I’m great,” I say with a less than enthusiastic smile and I pop a piece of popcorn into my mouth. “I just decided to have a movie night,” I explain, hoping that will end the questioning.

He stares at me silently. I’m not sure what’s going through his mind, but eventually he seems to accept my answer. “Did you want to order take out instead tonight?” he asks me. His eyes sweep over the living room and me as he asks the question.

I smile again and respond “No, I’m not hungry but you can order something for yourself if you like”. He nods his head slowly and leaves the room, I hear him on the phone ordering food. I stay seated and continue to eat my popcorn and watch the movie. After some time, he comes back into the living room but he’s changed into loose sweat pants and a plain t-shirt. He’s carrying a take out bag from our favorite Thai place. It smells amazing, and I’m almost regretting not getting anything. I don’t think I could really enjoy it tonight though. He surprises me by sitting down next to me with his food and starts to eat. We sit silently watching the movie. When the movie ends, he looks over at me with furrowed brows, a look I can’t quite determine the meaning of, and asks me “How was your day?”

I almost laugh, but keep it in and respond as I normally would. “It was just a normal day, I had the day off work today so I ran errands. How was work today?” I ask as I glance over at him.

He pauses briefly, keeping his eyes on his plate, before replying “Same old, same old”. That’s it, that’s all he says.

I nod and decide to further push my luck and ask, “Did you end up having lunch? You said earlier you were really busy, were you able to get something?”

He doesn’t look at me as he says “Yes, I had lunch at my desk between meetings, sometimes that’s how the day goes.” I just give him a quick smile as I rise from the couch. I can’t sit here as he lies to me, but I also don’t know how to discuss this with him. Why would he be hiding this from me?

“That’s good babe, I wouldn’t want you to go hungry. I love you so much.” I look in his eyes as I say it. He smiles back “ I love you too.” He replies.

I start to leave the room taking my popcorn bowl to the kitchen and I see him start to settle back into the couch turning the TV to a game. He also now has his phone out and he’s typing a message to someone with a smile on his face. I stand in the doorway for a few moments just watching him. I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost him and I just don’t know what to do.

++

“So did you ask him about that woman?” Bianca asks me at lunch the next day. We’re sitting outside the care home I work in with some take out she brought. She’s staring at me with a fierce look. I was surprised I even got my box open before the integration began. I take a bite of my sandwich to give myself time to before I have to talk about this.

“No, I didn’t ask him about her” I reply. She continues to stare at me like she’s never seen me before. Her eyes squint at me as she takes me in. I see it coming in 5…4…3…2…1. Then she starts.

“Oh my god, Holls! Why? What happened then? You can’t just let this go. I know you love Michael, but this at the very least requires a conversation!” Bianca is almost yelling by the time she gets that last bit out. Her cheeks and chest are starting to look flushed. She’s upset for me, not at me.

“B, honestly? I asked him if he had lunch and he told me he stayed at the office. So he lied to me,” I calmly tell her. “I didn’t say anything to him other than that. I was still reeling from the whole thing that I just went to bed. Not that it did any good, I slept like shit.”

Bianca sits back on the bench we share and quietly takes a bite of her food. I do the same, both contemplating this ridiculous situation I seem to be in. As I sit there, I begin to wonder if I made a mistake. Should I have just walked up and introduced myself to that woman at the café? Should I have confronted Michael last night? I don’t have any definitive proof of anything. I’d like to try and trust my husband, but the lie he told is making that really hard. I hate that I feel so unsure, and worse I feel so betrayed.

“Are you going to stay?” Bianca says quietly, startling me out of my thoughts. Stay? Stay where? Is she asking me if I’m going to leave my husband? I turn to look at her and I see the worry on her face.

“You think I should leave?” I ask her. “ I don’t know what’s really going on, I can’t just make a huge decision like that without proof of something more. I know it looks bad, B. I know. I don’t want you to think that I’m ignoring what was in front of me. I’m not, I just don’t want to throw away my marriage when I don’t know the full truth of it yet.”

She takes that in, and nods slowly. “Okay, tell me how to help you”.

“I just need some time,” I explain. “I think I’m going to be more mindful over the next week or so and just see if I can figure out what’s going on. Maybe just try to spend some more time with Michael and see if we can have a meaningful conversation?” I look at her knowing I probably look desperate, and all I see in her eyes is love shining back. I know she’ll support me through whatever I need.

We finish our lunch and say our good byes. As I walk back inside, I decide to text my husband to see what time he will be home for dinner. Last night, he came to bed late and was up before me. I haven’t seen or spoken to him.

Me: Hey Honey, What time will you be home for dinner? I can make your favorite!

Three dots appear shortly after I send it so I wait to see his reply. They disappear, and then reappear before his message finally comes through.

Michael: Sorry, I have to work late.

This isn’t uncommon so I try not to freak out or make assumptions.

Me: I can bring dinner to you.

Michael: Don’t worry about it. The group is going to order take out.

Me: Oh okay, I love you.

My last message shows read but he doesn’t respond. I can’t help but feel defeated after our exchange. My mind starts to spin all these different scenarios, each one worse than the other. I message B and update her on my brief conversation, if we can even call it that, with Michael. I decide to put all of this out of my mind and focus on my patients.