Who is that?

“Ugh” I groan looking at myself in the full-length mirror. I close my eyes and lean my head back, feeling defeated. I give myself a few minutes then look again. I see my blue eyes on a rounder face, with my thick dark hair. My hair rarely cooperates, and my cheeks always seem too pink. My face is okay, it’s my body I feel the most uncomfortable in these days. I eye down my body wearily. This outfit does not look good on me. It fits, but it’s not flattering whatsoever. The top just emphasizes my waist and my arms look huge. I cannot wear this. I’ll have to return it and find something else. I shake my head at myself, disappointment setting in; disappointment of the possibility that I won’t be able to reconnect with my husband.

I had hoped to look nice for my husband today when he arrived home from work. Things have been strained between us lately. I’ve tried to ask him about it, but he insists everything is fine. Nothing has changed with our everyday routines. He comes home for dinner so we can eat together. Occasionally he may miss dinner from working late, but that’s not all the time. I make sure his clothes are clean and hung up. I make him lunches for work. I always make sure to plan dates nights at least once a month. I show him affection and intimacy constantly, or when he allows it. He always puts me off, saying he’s tired or he has to get up early.

There’s a distance I feel between us. It feels as though he’s put a wall up and there’s not door for me to walk through to get to him. I’m always knocking, and he just asks me to come back later. I’ve wondered if he’s lost his attraction for me, he says he hasn’t. I’ve put on weight after starting my nursing career. Our sex life is almost non-existent these days. I’ve wondered if it’s because we’ve been together nearly 10 years and we’ve just settled into a slump. Is that a thing? Marriage slumps? I miss him. I miss us. With all of this heavy on my mind, I desperately want to look good for him tonight.

When we first met in college, he was so persistent in his pursuit of me. He walked me to my classes, brought me coffee, and sat with me while I studied. We quickly started dating and within a year were engaged. I always felt so treasured and loved by him. He would always show me affection, talk to me about everything, and take me out all the time to spend quality time together. It stayed like that for many years. We’ve had our ups and downs like any relationship, but those downs never felt like this. The last several months have been really hard on me. I only want to get us back to good.

I change into some jeans and a t-shirt, throw my hair into a messy bun, and head to my car. It’s a sunny day, so I slip on my sunglasses too. It’s a short drive to shopping center. Once I arrive I quickly find a parking spot. I’m walking through the shopping district. This area of our city is fun place to spend time; there are boutiques, fresh markets, local restaurants, cozy cafes, and beautiful landscaping with seating through out. I make my way to my favorite boutique, as I walk in I’m greeted by Melanie, the owner. Melanie and I have known each other for several years. I love her boutique.

“Hey Holly! Back so soon? How are you?” She greets me as the door chimes as I walk in. I give her a smile. I’m happy to see her.

“Hey Mel, I tried this outfit on and I just didn’t like it, can I exchange it? I need something to wow my husband tonight,” I explain. She gives me a knowing look and nods, “Of course.”

She busies herself around the store to find me the perfect outfit. I watch her scurry through the racks with determination. I end up with a dark blue wrap dress that just came in. I take the time to try it on. It really makes my bright blue eyes pop, and I think Michael will love it. I feel great in it. “Thank you so much, Mel, you are a life saver!” I tell her. She brings one more outfit for me, one I wasn’t expecting.

“What do you think of this?” she asks, holding up a dark blue lace push up bra and a matching panty set in my size. It’s sexy, really sexy. My eyes must be about to fall out of my face because she laughs at my expression. I start to shake my head, thinking no way will that look good on me. I haven’t worn much lingerie in the last few years. Before the words leave my mouth though she says “This will look amazing on you, and it will blow his mind when you unwrap yourself and show him what’s lying beneath.” I briefly allow myself to imagine Michaels face as I untie my dress to reveal that under it. Will I see that heat in his brown eyes that’s been missing the last few months? It certainly can’t hurt to try, right?

As I’m walking from the boutique to my car I look around. It’s lunchtime, there are ladies laughing together at the café enjoying their coffees and people in business attire sitting down at the restaurants across the way. I reach for my phone to check my messages, hoping Michael had responded to my last text asking him if he’d be home for dinner tonight. I reach in my purse and grab it. Opening it, I see I have no messages from him. I do have several from my best friend, Bianca, asking what I’m up to. I respond to her and place my phone back in my purse.

I look up once more and I see that the cafe across the street is quite busy today, they have their tables set up outside so customers can enjoy their meals outdoors. There are cute little tables set with some local flowers in the center. In the middle of the seating area, is a man in business attire seated with a woman enjoying a lunch together; he’s leaning over intimately to speak with her. The man is facing away from me, but his shoulders look familiar. He’s lean, with strong shoulders, wearing a charcoal suit. His hair is a brown but bronze streaks through it in the sunlight. I’d know those shoulders and hair anywhere. It’s my husband, Michael.

I stand there for several moments as my brain tries to process what it’s seeing. My husband and this woman I’ve never seen before sitting together like good friends at this cafe. So many questions run through my head. Who is she? A coworker? A client? A friend I haven’t met? I can’t see his face from my position, but I can see hers. She’s smiling and listening intently to everything he’s saying. She reaches out occasionally to touch his arm. It’s a familiar act. She’s pretty, beautiful. She’s thin and has long blonde waves cascading down her shoulders. She’s wearing a tight black pencil skirt and a beige silk sleeveless blouse, paired with black heels. She does that cat eye thing with her eyeliner that I could never get right, and a bright red lipstick.

I realize I’m standing in the middle of the sidewalk gawking at them now, and have been for more time than is normal for any situation, but I feel stuck in place. The world almost seems as if it’s moving in slow motion. I don’t know what to do. Do I go say hi? I’m contemplating my next move, when Bianca messages me back.

B: Let me know what Michael thinks of your new sexy outfit!! Remind him how sexy his wife is, girl!

I decide to call her back because if anyone knows what I should do, it’s going to be her. So I hit the phone icon and it starts to ring. I have at least enough brainpower to step aside and remove myself from complete view of the restaurant. I can still see Michel and this mysterious woman though.

Bianca picks up quickly, “Hey Gorgeous, what’s up?” she answers. I stay silent for a few seconds too long and she immediately senses that something is off. “Holls? You okay?” she asks.

A strange combination of a sob and cough comes from my mouth and I describe what I’m witnessing. It’s rare for my best friend to be rendered speechless, but this does it. After several moments of contemplation, she asks me if he’s still at the table. I tell her he is. Then she tells me to message him asking if he has lunch plans, just to see what his response is. So I do as she recommends. She has better ideas than standing and staring, at least.

Me: Hey babe, do you have any lunch plans? I’d love to see you. I write to my husband.

Across the street I see him reach for his phone in his jacket pocket and glance at the screen. He looks up at his companion and then begins to type on his phone. Within a few seconds I receive his response.

Michael: Sorry, I’m working through lunch and can’t get away from the office. I’ll see you for dinner.

I relay this to Bianca and she’s silent. I continue to watch him as he places his phone back in his pocket. He continues talking to his companion as if there was no interruption. They seem to be having a very friendly lunch, talking with each other and she smiles and laughs at what he’s saying. I can’t hear anything and I still can’t see his face. I tell Bianca I’m going to wait around and see what happens and then I’ll call her back later. We hang up. I walk to the coffee shop near by, peeking at them from my side eye. I grab my favorite latte, salted caramel with whipped cream, and sit down at one of the shops tables outside. I can still see the table my husband sits at but now I can see the side of his face. He looks happy and he’s smiling. He hasn’t looked away from this woman, so he definitely hasn’t noticed me.

They finish their meal and he sets down cash on the table. They both stand up as though they are about to leave. Before they depart, he grabs her hand and kisses her knuckles gently. It’s a sweet gesture, but seems out of character for my husband and his friends. They start towards the parking area; I stay seated as I watch my husband and this strange woman walk away.