Whispers of Forever

Mahirap ang maging mahirap. Hindi mo nabibili ang gusto mo, namomroblema kayo sa pangkain ninyo, mga bayarin, hindi sapat ang kita ninyo kahit nagkanda- kayod na kayo sa trabaho. At siguro para sa lahat, masarap ang maging mayaman. Yung tipong wala ka ng poproblemahin tungkol sa pera, yung hindi ka nahihirapan sa bahay kasi may mga katulong kayo, yung nakakabili ng kahit anong gustuhin mo, yung nakakapag-aral ng hindi pinoproblema ang Ang tuition at bayarin sa projects. At siguro nga tama yun. Siguro nga dapat maging masaya na ako dahil kumpara sa iba, masarap ang buhay ko…. Siguro nga.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to you!” Sabay sabay nilang kanta habang pumapalakpak at nakatingin sa akin.

“Happy birthday Shasha, here blow your candle na.” Nanay said sweetly while holding the cake.

I looked at her. She smiled at me and nod, as if encouraging me to blow the candle. I would… but I want to know something first.

“Nay, where’s mom and dad?”

She looked stunned. She paused as if fumbling for words. And there I knew. Yeah, why did I even hope for them to be here anyway. They never did. They’re too busy… or maybe they just don’t really care.

I smiled, assuring her that I’m ok. Yes, I am. I’m used to this anyway.

Blowing the candle, I wished, wished for something I’ve always asked. To be complete.

They clapped and said happy birthday to me again. I smiled and looked around. In the corner of the garden there’s a long table full of gifts wrapped beautifully. The garden was designed With a princess theme, though I never said I want it that way. There’s a lot of kids invited, mostly the kids of my parent’s business partners and some rich people’s kids. I want to enjoy and to be happy. To celebrate another year of my existence. But how can I when the reason why I exist isn’t even here?

“Nay, I’ll just play. Please entertain out guests”

“Gusto mo ba na samahan kita?” she asked worriedly. Funny how this woman who isn’t even related to me can be that worried about me. While my own parents…

Oh, enough of this.

“Opo, ako nalang po Nay. Paki-asikaso nalang po ang mga bisita” sabi ko at nagsimula nang maglakad paalis.

Bigla akong nabingi sa ingay ng tibok ng puso ko nang makasalubong ko siya. Anthony Declaros. Our school’s Supreme Pupil Government’s President. And… my crush. For a now ten-year-old, 4th grade student, that is quite common. Having crush on someone, especially if it’s as great as him.

Even if he’s still eleven years old as far as I know, he is already towering at 5’7 and although I’m also tall for my age, I’m just on his shoulder level.

His handsome face with smooth skin and fair skin tone is breathtaking. He is also smart, very smart at that. He is a candidate for valedictorian on his batch. He is always the school’s representative at academic contests, and mind you, he never lost.

He’s almost perfect. But sadly, because of that, he’s beyond my reach.

Our eyes met, the beating of my heart went fast, as if it wasn’t fast enough. I was about to pass him when he whispered…

“Happy Birthday, Natasha Kristine.”

Shocked I turned to him. But he was already walking opposite. Is it only my imagination or did he whispered those?

Did he great me? And if he did, how did he knew about it?

“ Ahh, anak, tumawag pala ang mommy at daddy mo kanina” salubong ni Nanay sa akin pag-uwi ko. Napatingin ako sa garden na pinagdausan ng party kanina. Wala ng mga tao, napatagal pala ang pagliliwaliw ko kanina.

“ Ano po ang sabi?” 4:15 na pala, ilang oras rin pala ako sa labas.

“ hinanap ka nila kanina sa’kin kaya sinabi kong naglaro ka muna sa labas. Kaya binaba na nila ang tawag” sabi niya.

“ Talaga? Hindi sila nagalit kasi hindi ko inasikaso ang mga bisita nila?” kasi kung ganoon nga, nakakapanibago ‘yon.

Malikot ang mata ni nanay at dahil doon alam kong tama ako. Nagalit sila sakin.

Nakakatawa lang isipin kasi imbis na ako 'yong isipin nila lalo na’t birthday ko naman ngayon pero mas mahalaga pa sa kanila ang mga bisita.

“Wag mo nalang alalahanin 'yon nay, ako nalang ang bahalang makipag-usap sa kanila, magpahinga na po kayo, baka pagod na kayo lalo’t marami kayong ginawa kanina.” Sabi ko sa kanya. Tinitigan niya ako na para bang sinusuri kong nagsasabi ba ako ng totoo.

To make her at ease I smiled. Tinignan ko rin ang iba pa naming kasambahay.

“Magpahinga narin po kayo”sabi ko sa kanila. All of them are too respectful towards me and all the members of our family. Too respectful that they are almost stoic everytime we are near. They bowed their head.

“Yes, young miss”

Binalingan ko naman si nanay. Nanay Milda is my nanny. Ever since I was born until now. Unlike all the household staff who treats me as their boss, sometimes as a princess. Nanay Milda treats me as her child.

“ Sige nay, tulog na po ako. Pagod na po ako eh”

“Teka, kumain ka muna!” Tawag niya sa akin habang umaakyat ako sa hagdanan.

“Busog pa po ako. Sige po”

I can’t remember how many rings has it. How many missed calls. Yeah, how hard can it be for a child to contact her parents, tell me? Please do so since I don’t know. After another two rings, my call was picked up.

“ Hello, ma’am Natasha?” a familiar voice said.

“Yes, lindy. It’s me, can I talk to mom?” I asked Lindy, my mother’s secretary.

“Sorry, ma’am but she is in a meeting right now and she said that she doesn’t want any disturbance” though I know she didn’t mean to say those things to me that was a big slap.

It’s as if they haven’t had enough on making me feel that I’m just a nuisance. That they need to tell it straight to my face.

That for them, I’m just a nuisance. A disturbance.

That anything they’re doing is more important than me, anyone is more important than me.

How nice right? Being able to buy anything you want. To have everything beautiful this world could offer… but your mother and father.

I was brought back to my senses when I heard knocks on my door. I didn’t realize I was staring at my phone for a while now.

 “Come in” it was nanay who came in. Bringing Milk and cookies with her.

Nilagay niya muna ang mga dala sa side table ko, pagkatapos ay umupo sa tabi ko. Without saying anything she let my head rest in her shoulders and comb my hair with her fingers.

Unti-unti ko nalang namalayan na nag-iinit na pala ang mata ko, soon followed by warm liquids running down my eyes. Until I can’t contain my feelings anymore I sobbed, and cried and soon, like a child that I am, I wailed. I cried and hugged her, asking for support, for strength. For comfort.

“Nay, am I not good? Have I been bad?”

“Hindi, mabait ka anak”

“Then why? Why don’t my parents love me?”

“ Mahal ka nila, maniwala ka. Lahat ng magulang mahal ang mga anak nila” she said while wiping my tears, but it is no use since my tears are flowing nonstop.

“ Then maybe I am not their child?”

“Diyos ko kang bata ka! Bakit mo ba nasasabi yan?”

“ Nanay, how many children are there at my party”

“Marami”

“All of which are with their parents right?”

“May iba namang hindi.”

I laughed. Not because I’m happy, but because I’m quite amused.

“ Then why can’t they accompany us? Why can’t they put their attention to us? Why?” I badly want to understand. Yes, I’m just a kid, maybe I can’t understand anything yet. But I want to know, I want to know their reason.

“ May trabaho sila anak. Kung hindi sila magtatrabaho wala silang maipapakain sayo.”

“Wrong, kahit hindi sila magtrabaho buong buhay nila marami pa rin kaming pera. I am raised knowing how rich we are. How influential my grandparents are. How successful my great grandparents in building our business.” Kahit sa edad ko na ito ipinakita at ipinaintindi na nila sa akin kung gaano sila kayaman. Kung gaano karami ang mga ari-arian at mga negosyo nila. Kung gaano katayog ang pangalang dinadala namin. Pinaintindi nila iyon saakin. Hindi ko alam kung ipagpapasalamat ko ba ‘yon sa panginoon o hihilingin kong wala nalang iyon. Na sana simpleng tao nalang kami. Na sana normal nalang ang buhay ko. Na sana katulad ako sa mga batang gigising sa umaga na pinaghahandaan ng magulang niya, inaasikaso, minamahal.

“Pero kailangan pa rin nilang alagaan ang kompanyang itinayo ng mga ninuno ninyo, kasi mahalaga yon. At nakasalalay ang buhay ng mga trabahante ninyo doon” Sinabi iyon ni Nanay sa akin na parang gusto niyang intindihin ko iyon. Pero siguro nga masyado pa akong bata, siguro nga selfish ako. Siguro nga hindi ko talaga iyon kailanman maiintindihan. I can’t understand why they value that damn empire more than their own and only child. The only thing I can understand is, they are not giving me the love and attention I’ve always been longing for. Na nasasaktan ako, nasasaktan ako kasi ni minsan hindi ipinadama ng mga magulang ko sa akin na mahalaga ako sa kanila. Ni minsan hindi ko naramdaman na may magulang ako.

“Nay, I can manage with even their little attention if that’s all they can give. I can compromise but...not like this, not like I’m someone forgotten. Someone they don’t care about. Nay, I badly want to feel loved. I want their attention, their care. Even just a little. I can make myself satisfied with just a fraction of their time and love. Nay, I love them. I love  them so much but why can’t they love me back?”

“Shhhh, mahal ka nila ok? Mahal ka nila, sige na tahan na.” she comforted me, hugged me while gently combing my hair with her fingers.

“Tahan na,” she said softly. And that’s all that is remembered before dozing off.