CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

GWEN POV

Once I was inside my apartment, I walked straight to my bathroom. I ripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower, turning the water to be as hot as I could stand. I scrubbed and scrubbed, trying to wash Nolan right off my skin. I wished it was just as easy to wash him out of my thoughts.

If only I could forget him like soap down a drain.

I hoped that as time passed, he would just become a memory—a mistake I regretted from a long time ago. I hoped the embarrassment would fade. Then, I could look back and just say it was the silly mistake of a young, foolish person.

After the shower, I put on my softest pajamas and climbed into my bed. Only then did I let myself cry. I felt a deep sadness for giving myself to a man like Nolan. I cried for the hurt and the shame that I was feeling.

I decided I would let myself feel sorry for myself just for this one night. Tomorrow would be a new day, a new year, in a way. Tomorrow, I would push Nolan into the past and put all my attention on my future.

•

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•

My plan worked well for a while. The very next day, I opened my college books to start studying early for the new semester. Two days later, school actually began, and it became even easier to stop thinking about Nolan. Well, maybe not forget him, but it helped me keep my mind busy so I wasn't constantly thinking about him. I spent all my time outside of sleeping either in class or bent over my textbooks.

My bestfriend, April, thought I was being crazy.

“Seriously, Gwen, chill out,” she said, tossing a magazine onto the couch. “It’s the final stretch of college. It’s all easy going from here. You don’t need to study this much.”

I didn't even look up from my book. “I want to finish my college life strong, April. I want to have the best grades I can get.”

She sighed and shook her head. “You’re going to burn out, girl. You’re going to run yourself into the ground.”

By the start of February, I was beginning to think April might be right. I felt hit with a deep tiredness that made going to class and studying feel like climbing a mountain. I decided I needed to take the whole weekend off to rest my brain and body. I planned to sleep in late and take naps as often as possible.

I was half-asleep on Saturday morning when I heard April rush into the bathroom. A moment later, I heard her cry out, almost shouting.

“Oh, thank God! Thank you, thank you, thank God!”

When she finally came out of the bathroom, I called out from my bed. "April? Is everything okay in there?"

She quickly popped her head into my doorway, her eyes wide and bright. "Oh, did I wake you up?"

"Nah, I was just dozing. What's all the excitement about?"

She did a little, silly dance right there in my doorway, throwing her hands up. "I'm not pregnant!”

I raised one eyebrow at her. “Wait a minute. Was that actually a possibility?”

April walked fully into my room and sat on the edge of my bed. She let out a huge breath of relief. “Yeah. Cole and I had a bit of a mess-up about a week ago. We were so careful, but then I started counting the days, and I realized I was late. But my ‘monthly friend’ finally showed up today.” She leaned back and let out another loud sigh. “Oh, my god, I’m so relieved. My dad would absolutely murder me if I got pregnant right now. He already thinks I’m totally irresponsible.”

I felt a sudden rush of annoyance. The words slipped out of my mouth before I could catch them. It must have been the extreme tiredness talking. “Well, your dad is no saint either.”

April turned her head, looking at me carefully. "Huh? What makes you say that, Gwen?" She didn’t sound angry, just curious.

I quickly had to think of something to say. Something that wouldn't give away the truth. "Um, well, look at all the plastic, fake women he dates. He treats them like toys," I said, trying to make it sound like an obvious observation.

She laughed, the sound warm and easy. "Oh, you are so right! He is a total player, isn't he? He’s like a teenage boy with all his little girlfriends."

I nodded, feeling a huge wave of relief that I hadn't let my big secret slip out.

April stood up, walking toward the door. "Anyway, he lives his life and I live mine. And thank goodness, my life won’t include a baby anytime soon. Honestly, I never thought I’d be this happy to see my period.”

“No doubt,” I agreed.

“Well, I’ll let you rest now,” she said, standing in the doorway. “I’m going over to Cole’s place with the good news. We are definitely celebrating.”

"Have fun," I told her, trying to sound normal. "But please, use birth control this time.”

She laughed loudly again as she walked away.

I turned over in my bed, getting ready to go back to sleep, but one thought suddenly jumped into my mind. It was a cold, sharp thought that chased the sleep right away.

When was my last period?

I immediately pushed the worry away. No way. There was absolutely no chance I could be pregnant. It was far more likely that I was late because of stress. The stress of lying to my best friend. The stress of being used by a jerk like her father. The stress of finishing school. Isn’t that exactly why I was taking the weekend off? Yes, it was just stress. I pulled the blanket up to my chin, trying to snuggle back down.

But the little worry, the niggle of doubt, stayed stuck in my brain. It made it impossible to relax or go back to sleep. There was only one way to make my nerves calm down. I had to take a pregnancy test.

I threw the covers off my body in a sudden burst of frustration and headed for the shower.

After I washed up and got dressed, I put on my heavy coat, my hat, and my gloves. I walked out into the cold February air. The heater in my car worked, but it took about ten long minutes for the inside of the car to feel warm. I decided to drive to a pharmacy in a different part of town. I did not want to see anyone I knew while I bought a pregnancy test. That would be too much.

I pulled my hat low over my eyes and walked into the store. I quickly found the aisle with the tests. To be totally sure of the result, I bought two of them. I looked around the empty aisle to make sure no one was watching, then picked up the two boxes and headed straight for the self-checkout machine.

On the drive home, I stopped at a drive-thru coffee place. For a brief second, I worried: Should I be drinking caffeine if I am pregnant? But I quickly shook my head. No, I couldn’t be pregnant. I refused to believe it. So, I ordered a large mocha with whipped cream on top, my favorite treat.

When I finally got back to the apartment, I listened carefully to make sure April hadn’t come back yet. When I heard silence, I went into the bathroom, my heart beating fast.

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” I muttered to myself, even though no one could hear me. I opened one of the boxes, pulling out the stick. I read the instructions over and over again.

What if it’s positive? What if this is happening to me?