Chapter 5. It's Not About You

BELLADONNA

I had been staring at the ceiling for hours until the first light of dawn poured into my empty room. I wished I could've just cried all night, but I had spent too much tears already.

As I dragged myself out of the bedroom, the painful awareness of my triplets' absence gnawed at my chest. My body worked on autopilot, heedlessly moving around my small apartment like a usual morning routine.

No screaming competition, no bubbly giggles, no sharing jokes. I was alone all over again.

A soft knock came from the front door, snapping me out of my hazy state. A waft of vanilla sweetness seeped through the gap under the door.

Keeping myself together, I opened it. Ryder was standing there, clad in his monotone suit, his Onyx eyes on mine. Stepping aside, I let him walk in.

At first, none of us said anything. We just stood there with a clear distance stretched in between. The air carried our unspoken words.

"I’ve already sent my best men across town. Every corner, every alley. They’re going to find them," he broke the silence with that composed, business-like tone.

"You think that makes it better?" I scoffed, "You think I’ll sleep any easier knowing you’re running this like one of your pack missions?"

His eyebrows knitted together. "Don’t twist this. I’m using everything I’ve got to find our children.”

The claim snapped something in me. "Don’t call them ours! They are mine!"

He strode towards me. I flinched, instinctively stepping back. I couldn't let him invade my personal space or else I'd break. He halted, hands turning into fists on his sides. His eyes narrowed.

"Why the hell not? Because you decided to run away? Because you kept their existence from me like I was the enemy?"

"You were the enemy. Don't you remember what happened back then? How you shut me out, denying my presence? So it was better for me to leave!"

Crossing my arms, I looked away. Having him in the space I called home brought up buried emotions. How dare he call out for my leave when he was the one who caused it in the first place.

"So you decided for me. Took them, left, and built a life miles away."

Sarcasm underlined his tone as his steps drew closer. I backed up till I found myself against the wall. His finger slid below my chin, lifting my face to look at him. His gentle touch betrayed his barely concealed anger.

"Do you know what that did to me?"

If I was like he knew before, I would have buckled underneath his dominating presence. But I wasn't that timid girl anymore. I swatted his hand off my chin. The fleeting brush sent a tingling sensation down my veins.

"Do you know what you did to me?" I boldly bit back, "How I spent nights praying they’d never know what it felt like to be tossed aside the way you did to me?"

He leaned in, pressing the underside of his left forearm, caging me in. Something shifted in the air as his eyelids fluttered close. Our faces were only inches away when he took a deep inhale. I could see the effect from years of being Alpha. My fingers ticked, itching to trace those subtle wrinkles.

"That’s not fair, Bella. You knew I was messed up. You knew I needed time to think—"

"And you came now? Charging in when everything’s falling apart again?" I whispered, hugging myself to hold back every resurfacing feeling.

"Because I still care. Dammit, I never stopped. And whether you admit it or not, those kids are mine. I will find them!” He emphasized those last words like his life depended on it.

I pushed him off roughly and maneuvered away. "And what then? You drag them to Vermont and pretend we're some happy family?"

My shoulders were quivering when I strode toward the kitchen. Being near him with all this nostalgia suffocated me. I shouldn’t just stay idle or argue with Ryder. My triplets were still out there! I reached for a water bottle and gulped it down, my mind working up some plan.

"No. But they deserve to know who they are. And you... you owe it to them to stop hiding."

My hand stilled. Without looking back, I answered bitterly. "They are safe with me."

"They’re missing, Bella. Safe isn’t even on the table right now."

I whirled around, marching back at him and shoving the tip of the bottle on his chest. "Don’t say that like it’s my fault. Don’t you dare!” I yelled at his face.

"You think this is just about blame?” He grabbed my shoulders, and didn't seem phased by my outburst. “This is about doing what needs to be done. You agreed to come back with me. That was the deal."

I hated that he was right. Why didn't I think that through before agreeing with him? I exhaled in resignation.

I'd been away from the Immortal world for too long, I was practically a rogue. Imagining myself returning to a pack that had turned their back on me only made me hurt once again. Besides, whether I returned or not, what difference would it make?

"Only after we find them. I’m not leaving this town without them," I murmured half-heartedly.

He squeezed my shoulders. "You can’t stall me forever. You know I’ll find them. And when I do, you’re coming home.”

"You’re so sure of yourself. As if time hasn’t changed me. Changed everything."

My voice cracked despite the bravado behind my words. I stood in front of him like a frayed photograph: worn, faded, a relic of what used to be. He didn’t flinch, not once. Just stared like he could see straight through the armor I’d spent years crafting.

"Time has changed you. You’re colder. You’re brittle. You flinch like someone burned you every time I speak."

His words landed like truth-shaped daggers. I hated how observant he was, how even now he could read me better than anyone ever could. Ryder took a step forward, and I stiffened involuntarily, betraying his point. Again.

"Because you did burn me. Over and over. And you’re standing here wondering why I built walls?"

I clenched my fists, digging my nails into my palms to ground myself. My chest heaved, not from anger, but from the weight of memories too painful to name.

"Then tear them down. Just enough for me to get through. For them. For us."

His voice dropped to a near-plea. It was softer than before, laced with a desperation I wasn’t sure he even realized he was showing. His hand hovered in the air between us, not touching but too close.

"There is no us... Not anymore."

The words should’ve come out like stone. They didn’t. They trembled. My throat ached after saying it, like my own mouth betrayed the truth I didn’t want to speak.

"You’re lying. You always were a terrible liar, Bella. I see it. Right now, in your eyes. You’re terrified. But not of me. Of what it means if I come through for you. If I actually find them."

Ryder wasn’t yelling. He didn’t have to. The calmness in his voice made the truth ring louder. He saw too much. He saw the vulnerable pieces I kept buried. My chest tightened.

"Stop. Just stop. You don’t know what you’re talking about."

I turned away. I couldn’t let him see the storm in my eyes, the tremor in my fingers. My body betrayed me as much as my heart did. I needed distance, even just a few feet, to remember why I had left in the first place.

"Then tell me to my face they’re not mine. Look me in the eye and say it."

He said it slowly, like a dare wrapped in heartbreak. His eyes bore into the back of my skull. I froze.

"They’re mine. That’s all you need to know."

My voice came out hollow, like I was trying to convince both of us. I turned back to face him, but my gaze landed somewhere near his collarbone. Anywhere but his eyes.

"I’ll take that as a yes. And I swear to every god above and below, I will bring them back. Even if you still hate me when it’s done."

Ryder’s voice cracked at the end, just a bit. He meant it. Every word. And it killed me how much hope I heard in him despite everything I had done to push him away.

"I don’t hate you. I wish I did. It would make this easier."

The confession ripped from my chest like a sob I never let escape. I didn’t hate him. I hated that I didn’t.

"Then stop running. Come back. Let me help. Let me be something real for once," he whispered.