LUKAKnowledge isn't always power, it's sometimes pain. The kind that has you buckled over like you were kicked in the nuts. Nothing about this all consuming pain makes knowing about everything feel powerful. l feel powerless. With no single idea on how to fix this. My eyes burn and my wrist hurts from drawing and painting all day today. I also felt weak all over. When I drove down to Bella's dorm room last night all that was going on in my head was that I needed it not to be true. That there was a way out, a slim ray of hope that still gives me a redeemable chance but it had turned out to be the opposite of that. Not only had the details of what happened over the one year that I had stormed into my dad's office to get, found out to be true there were also more. Like a baby, a child between Bella and I that had miscarried. So much has happened, and I have no idea how I'm going to fix it. I haven't slept in almost 72hours. From the flight down home, to the flight back to going to

The ride down to Luka's place was one of the most uncomfortable rides I've ever had to endure. My reference to his trysts with other girls was like an elephant in the room. It made me irritated and angry but he looked sad and kept giving me glances which I acted like I wasn't aware of. It was a different apartment from the last one which came to me as a suprise. But what I didn't expect was to see a fur covered, energetic dog launch at me. It did occur to me to go back to the shelter and ask about her wellbeinh after I got out of the hospital but I always assumed she would have been adopted or have moved on without remembering who I was. The moment she saw me she barked loudly and ran to me, wagging her tail. She remembered me, and that made me so warm and happy inside. I spent the next few minutes sitting there on the floor of Luka's studio apartment recieving her licks and hugs and reciprocating her love with my belly rubs and hugs. It took a while before she went on to greet Luk

My hands trailed on the rough skin on Bella's thigh with so much concentration that I didn't miss it when she flinched away. The loving and tenderness that I have spent the last one hour coaxing into her skin was gone. In its place was the rigid straightening of her spine and shoulders, an indication of how tense she suddenly became, almost as if she knew what was coming.The last six months we have been living in a bubble. I had accepted that it was okay for her not to say those three magical words that used to make my heart soar back to me, but lately it's been getting to me. Or maybe it's the way she never wants to talk about the 2 year gap in our relationship, or the baby we didn't know we had but lost. I want to know if she still secretly blames me for what happened. If every single time she sees the scars she hates me the way I do myself. I didn't mean to but I sighed loudly, my shoulder drooping before I rolled her body away from mine and got up padding softly to the bathroom