TROUBLED のすべてのチャプター: チャプター 21 - チャプター 30

I purposely woke up earlier than her so i could watch her sleep and feel like the luckiest jerk in the world. She actually wanted me? This beautiful woman wanted me! She had not said it back as in 'Ich liebe dich' or 'I love you' but i respected that. I respected that she was still thinking about this as much as i was and figuring it out. Deep down, i knew this was just an excuse... figuring what out you may ask? I was well aware that i wanted Leona in every way possible but then there was Debby. My feelings for her were mutual maybe when i actually see her all my feelings will just come right back or not. Maybe not, maybe i just want to be with Leona then there's the thought that I felt this way about Leona because I was lonely? Felt needy? I honestly don't know. I was a confused cockroach and i was just dragging Leona into my pit of misfortunes. I am selfish enough to do that... selfish enough to not let her go be with someone who actually wants to stay with her... for as long as i

I stared-and stared. Looked intently. Leona came back last night, Sam drove her home. I didn't expect her to since she said she wasn't coming home. I got a little more time to talk to her mom, her dad had went straight back to work after their little vacation with Marissa and Frank. She had been giving me a cold shoulder ever since she found out that I was sleeping with her angel. She saw me as a bad guy. I practically was. I explained to her about my past and right there after she understood how and why I felt a certain way about the topic HIV. She was so consoling as she apologized about how ill-formed she had acted towards me. She even suggested a book for me to read, she said something along the lines 'it will give you inner healing to forgive your father and accept the things you couldn't change.' I read it through out the night, I didn't have much to do. She was right, it was actually good. I felt a tad bit better and less angry. I still hated him but this book gave me a dif

Why did it feel like my life was falling apart? Was it. Maybe this was the beginning of something good. Something great, something that will change my life forever. There were five things I had learnt during the past two and a half months with Eric or just from being with Eric. 1. Just because you love someone, it doesn't mean they're obligated to love you back. 2. You don't plan, never plan, live as the day goes by. You're in control but never fully in control of your fate. 3. Unplanned pregnancies are not always dreadful, if you have the right support system. 4. You can't and cannot choose who you want to fall in-love with. It's as if your heart has a mind of its own, you just follow the way as it leads. 5. Pushing someone away is harder than it seems. It's true what they say, if you love something set it free..After puking my guts out for the second time this morning , I looked at myself as I brushed my teeth on the mirror. This is really my life? This is really me. I'm going

I looked at the fine looking man who slept beside me shirtless. Tracing a few of his tattoos on his chest. I could feel his heart steadily beating, steadily breathing. He had a tight grip on my waist. My naked skin against his, I had told him that I liked sleeping in my underwear because it was more comfortable. We came back home, Luka grinning from side to side.. he congratulated us. We passed by McDonald's, Eric gave into my cravings. I didn't think I would tell him but I did. I only realized I did when it was already done. He was acting so weirdly gently. He didn't want anyone passing by the sidewalk to hit me not even my shoulder. He wanted to ensure, I was comfortable in every given moment and here I was thinking he wouldn't want to be with me. When we came back home, I hid my ring. Intending to surprise everyone today. I felt so overjoyed just looking at it. Eric had done this for me? I had woken up early because my reality was finally better than my dreams. It looked super expe

"Happy birthday to you.""Happy birthday to you Eric." "Happy birthday to you." I suppose if I tear up right now, it would only make sense. I'm so detached from my emotions but I never had this. I've never had this people actually give a damn about me. Like I actually matter, I actually have some sort of family. I looked down, feeling really overwhelmed, was I lucky? or Leona was the lucky one? No I was definitely getting more from being with Leona.. she was just getting stress and worry from just being with me. More like heartbreak in the process. Moments like these when I look at her from a distance when she is smiling and totally distracted from the fact that I'm watching her.. I realize how lucky I am. I don't deserve this. I do kind of deserve this but she is just too good for me. It was just after sunset and most of the people had left and now it was just Luka, Leona's parents, Laura and Sam. "Make a wish.." Leona's mom broke me away from my thoughts. "Am I not too old for t