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Alle Kapitel von Lavender: A strong woman: Kapitel 1 – Kapitel 10

50 Kapitel

Deceitful

Dedicated to all the good girls who dream of being bad.“Well now really when we go back into falling in love. And say, it's crazy. Falling. You see? We don't say "rising into love". There is in it the idea of the fall. And it goes back, as a matter of fact, to extremely fundamental things. That there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith and an act of gamble. The moment you take a step, you do so on an act of faith because you don't really know that the floor's not going to give under your feet. The moment you take a journey, what an act of faith. The moment that you enter into any kind of human undertaking in relationship, what an act of faith. See, you've given yourself up. But this is the most powerful thing that can be done: surrender. See. And love is an act of surrender to another person. Total abandonment. I give myself to you. Take me. Do

Agastopia

“Please continue, Lavender.”It is then that I realize I've stopped dancing. I think I'm on verge of a claustrophobic attack. Without saying anything, I turn for the door, ready to leave and get as fast away from him as possible.“I wouldn't do that if I were you.” he says, and I snort and grab the door handle. “Try me.”“If you leave, you will earn no money. If you stay... Well, you know how well I pay for something I want.” his words stop me in my tracks, and I absolutely hate it.“What are you doing here, Jim?” I ask, still not looking at him.»I think I should be asking you that.«»Tell me or I will call security.« I snap and finally look at him, to see a half-smile of his face. He leans forward. »I see you've grown some thorns. After all, I hear you've become Poison Ivy. You're not my innocent Lavender anymore.«He sits up like he’s about to make a deal. »I want you back with me.«»Go to hell-»»Not now. Eventually. Now I'm happy if you just talk to me.«»I don't give a shit if y

Scintilla

The smell of old sweat and leather tries to force itself down my throat and I furrow my brows, somehow thinking that will solve the problem. It doesn't.»Damn, Marissa, you're on fire today.« The voice of my coach Mike startles me and I glance at him. »You trying to kill the bag?«»I just need to clear my head.« My heart is beating quickly and I struggle to catch my breath, but I keep on pouncing, wishing he'd leave so I could continue taking out my emotions on the poor bag."Well, I think you're doing a brilliant job, but watch out when you do the hook so that you don't damage your wrist. You have to keep your head in this game, as soon as you're all instinct, that's when you lose. Don't forget that." He taps his temple. "You want to grab a coffee afterwards? Maybe a talk could help you clear your head, too."»No, I can't. I have, uh, a dentist.«I don't hear a reply, and besides, I don't care.I’m done with all men on this world. No way I’ll voluntarily sit down and have coffee with

Intimate

After the class is over, I still feel restless, but it’s the kind of restless that no amount of exercise can stop. I splash my face with icy water in the locker room, and then head in the direction of my car.“Marissa.”I whip my head around to see the new coach leaning against the wall, and I purse my lips. He is way too tall for me, but his hair is pretty nice. “What?”He stands up. “You speak.”“Obviously.”“Just had to check. I wasn’t sure.”“You checked. Now leave me alone.” I start walking towards my car, but hear him follow after me. Slight feeling of panic forms in my belly as I remember the last time a man followed after me.“Do you wanna have lunch together?”“No.”“Why not? Do you not eat?”“Of course I eat.”“Clearly. It’s obvious by the size of your a-“I whip around on my heels. “Is there a reason you won’t leave me alone?”He comes very close to me, but I don’t back down. Instead, I put my hands on my waist and give him the hardest look I can muster, hoping he would fin

Sumptuous

There are three big lessons life taught me when it was busy screwing me.The first is that if I’m in a situation I don’t like, it will remain the same until I do something about it. I learned this lesson during my marriage. It is one of the few things I’m proud about doing. I didn’t lie to myself that it was going to get better, and I didn’t say that leaving a marriage is ‘not that easy’, because it is. If I never did something about it except hoped and pray it would get better, it wouldn’t. God never listened to me, I had to fuck it all up and then sometimes it got better. It often didn’t, but at least I tried.The second is that you need to take a break every now and then and do something you really want to do. I broke this rule many times and I regret missing each wish because there are some things you only want to do for a certain period of time. If you don’t, the desire disappears and you miss out on an opportunity to be happy for some time. And being happy for some time is one o

Bluff

About an hour later, I am on my eighth Martini, and everything is fun and light, but the atmosphere is not as relaxed as before because I am sandwiched between Vladimir, who is just about ready to make me his sixth wife, and Atlas, for whom I have no idea why he’s still around.“And that’s how I was banned from all Wendy’s restaurants.” The obese baldie says and I laugh my ugliest laugh, spilling myself a little.Sasha laughs with me, a little more controlled because she’s consumed half the amount of alcohol I have, and still cares about being pretty. Vladimir smiles, showing off a golden tooth. “You want to go back to my place?”I smile. “Should I?”“You should not.” Atlas says and I roll my eyes, turning towards him, I whisper: “What the fuck are you still doing here? I mean seriously. What?”He actually looks really bored when he shrugs. “What else am I supposed to do? Leave you with him? You’re really drunk, I don’t want you doing something you’ll regret.”“Like what?”“I don’t kn

Ignominy

“Well, I’ll be damned. I thought this wasn’t a date.” Atlas says immediately when I open the door and climb into the passenger seat of his car.“It’s not.” I immediately reply. “But I’ve had this dress for some time now and I’ve been looking to wear it somewhere.”I’m wearing a bright red fitting dress that makes my boobs look phenomenal. I’ve decided to go without a wig tonight, letting my box braids complement my outfit.He lifts his brow quizically. “Sure, whatever.”"What's that supposed to mean?""Nothing.""Come on, tell me."He shakes his head and pulls onto the road. "No, you're gonna get mad at me.""I'm getting mad right now, and I'm gonna get even more mad until you tell me."Atlas chuckles. "You women really are something to behold."I take a moment to look at how he dressed himself, and fight a smile when I see he's also put some effort into it. He's wearing a white button-down through which I can see his tattoos, and black jeans. Very slight panic overcomes me when I rea

Fear

Like a child, I stomp outside, completely dark now except for the streetlights and quickly make my way towards the car. "What a fucking bitch! I hate her so much!" I breathe through clenched teeth. "She didn't have to do that! I go out once in the last hundred years and she doesn't let me pass through? What a great manager!" I turn towards Atlas. "I'm writing a complaint and getting her fired! "As I say that, my eyes notice something behind Atlas. A fancy red car, a beautiful old-timer. Margaret just really loved old-timers. A sly grin appears on my face. "Or, hold that thought. I have a better idea."I look around frantically, looking for some sort of a stick or something, but when I find nothing, I stomp towards the car myself, and with my leg, try to kick in the window, but when it doesn't budge, I kick off the rearview mirror of the shiny, expensive car.“Holy shit.” Atlas gasps behind me and rage leaves my body, as I stand and look at what I’ve done. “Oh, no.”"Oh, shit." I hear

Sinking

“Don’t be a child, c’mon.” he holds out his hand, and I look at it and then at his face.“No. I’m going to fall on my face.”“I promise that you won’t. I’ll throw myself under you if I see you’re falling, okay?”I debate about it for a few moments. God, I’m going to have to hold on to him all the time.“If I break my nose, you’re paying for my nose job.” I exit the car, ignoring his hand.Everything in me screams to turn around as I make tiny steps towards the entrance. “I really don’t like this.” I mumble, but he ignores me and continues pulling me towards the entrance. He gets us the skates and after we put them on, he pulls me to my feet, trying to get me to the ice. I stand up and make the first step, going headfirst for the floor.I chuckle darkly. “Oh, you’re so going to pay for this. Is this because of the drink?”He emits a laugh. “Come on, it’s not so bad.”“I’m not even on the ice yet.” I glare at him, but he doesn’t listen and pulls me towards the ice, basically carrying me

Shame

“So, how have you been feeling since the last time we saw each other?”“Like shit.”“Have you been taking your medication?”“Yes.”She jots something down, and I sigh, picking up on the black goo behind my nails. I need to manicure them. The atmosphere in the office is relaxed. This is not the first time I’m seeing Dr. Garret.“Has anything of significance happened lately?”Yes.“No.” I clear my throat. “I met this really weird guy.”“Okay. Tell me more.”“He’s just -,“ I struggle to find words. “He won’t leave me alone. It’s weird. A couple of days ago I ran into him while I was at this club, and he just stayed with me the whole night. I told him to leave multiple times, but he wouldn’t listen. It’s like he only hears stuff he wants to hear.”“Are you attracted to him?”“No. Yes. I don’t know. Does it matter?”“It’s just a question. Do you think he looks good?”I think about it. “Maybe, yes. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t want anything romantic with him.”“Just with him or in general

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