The recruiter emailed again in March, politer than before but with a deadline attached this time, a real one, the kind with a date on it rather than a vague suggestion of urgency.We understand these decisions take time, it said, but we do need to move forward by the end of the month.I read it standing at my kitchen counter with a cup of tea going cold beside me, and felt the particular vertigo of a decision that had quietly stopped being hypothetical. A month. I had a month to be the version of myself who took the job, or the version who didn't, and I still hadn't worked out how to be either one without feeling like I was betraying the other.I didn't answer it that day. I put the kettle back on instead, made a fresh cup, and carried it to the sofa, where I sat for a long time doing absolutely nothing productive at all.***Julien called that evening, as he did most evenings, and I answered with what I hoped passed for my ordinary voice."You sound tired," he said, within the first
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