All Chapters of HER: Secrets I carried alone : Chapter 11 - Chapter 19

I had changed. Moving on didn't feel like a struggle anymore… it just happened. I was less of the emotional type girl and more go-with-the-flow. I became more outdoorsy. I went to school at night with Ella sometimes just to meet up with her friends because I didn't really have any. She was my only friend. A few days later, I went over to Ella's place again. I first noticed him when I got there. They were all sitting together, laughing about something I didn't really pay attention to. I just greeted them and sat down like usual.He didn't say much at first. Just a small "hi" when our eyes met, then went back to listening to the others. But I noticed he kept looking up once in a while. Not in a weird way… just brief glances, like he was trying to figure me out without making it obvious. I didn't think much of it. I wasn't even in the mood to think about anything like that. Not after everything with Cole. Ella later nudged me a bit during the c

That evening I woke up with a heavy heart. I thought sleep would fix it, but it didn’t. Instead, I woke up with a heavy head too. I had no appetite, just a strange emptiness sitting in my chest. Ella didn’t text.We usually just chat, so I didn’t expect a call anyway… but I still didn’t know if that was better or worse than her shouting back. At least shouting meant something. Silence just felt unclear. I didn’t even know how I was supposed to react to it. So I decided to go out for a walk that night.The night was busy though. It’s campus, so students mostly go out at night. The rain had just stopped, so the air was cold and fresh at the same time. I had on a black hoodie and joggers, keeping my hands in my pockets as I walked slowly. I saw girls walking with guys, some with other girls. I envied them.They didn’t know the value of what they had… how fast it could slip through their fingers.I heaved a deep sigh. Or maybe it was me. Maybe I didn’t know the valu

I stared at the empty seat beside me. It was for Ella. I laughed to myself. Even if she did come, would she want to sit with me?I shifted my bag a little, then left it there anyway. People were coming in, talking like nothing had changed. Chairs scraping, voices low, some laughing. Normal.I faced the front. Class started.I wrote a few things down, then stopped. The pen stayed in my hand, but I wasn't really paying attention. The seat beside me stayed empty.I didn't look at it again. After a while, I reached for my phone under the table.Jay: "You ignored me." I stared at the message for a few seconds, locked my phone and dropped it back in my bag. The lecturer kept talking. I nodded once or twice, just so it didn't look like I was lost.I wasn't. I just wasn't there either.When class ended, I packed my things slowly. For a second, I glanced at the seat beside me.Still empty.I picked up my bag and stood up.Outside, my phon

And then—he leaned in. It wasn't fast, and it didn't feel rushed. It felt like he was giving me time to pull away if I wanted to. I didn't. His lips touched mine, soft… like he wasn't completely sure. For a second, I just stayed there, then I kissed him back. Not deep, not rushed, just… there. My hand was still in his, and I felt his grip tighten slightly like he didn't want to let go. Everything went quiet in a way I didn't expect. No thoughts, no overthinking, nothing. Just that moment. After a few seconds, I pulled back a little, not too far. I didn't look at him immediately. I didn't want to ruin it by thinking too much. My chest felt tight, and I didn't even know why. His hand was still holding mine, and neither of us said anything. We just stayed like that for a bit, like saying something would change it. Then I finally looked at him. I looked at him, still lost in the kiss- but trying not to show it.He was already looking at me. "There's

When Ella left, her words didn't. "You never let anyone know how you feel." They kept replaying in my head. How was I supposed to? If I could spill everything, I would have. But every time I try, it never ends well. I either get misunderstood, or worse—they see too much. The parts of me I don't even understand myself. And once that happens, I can't take it back. I become too open, too easy to read… and somehow it always ends up hurting me. I do try to open up, I really do. It's just that every time I get close to saying something real, I remember—and I stop. It wasn't the first time. **** Back when things with Stephen were still real, there was a part of it I never told anyone about. Not even Ella. I wasn't like this with him. I didn't hold back or overthink every little thing. I said what I felt, I laughed easily, I let myself be seen without trying to hide parts of it. He knew about my family—things I didn't even like thinking abou