Arti Perhaps

On Christmas Eve, my father got the man I had secretly loved for ten years drunk and sent him to my bed. When I woke up the next morning, Roy pulled away from my attempt at a good-morning kiss. His voice was cold and distant as he agreed to marry me. After the wedding, Roy wasted no time submitting a transfer request. He took an overseas post and left. He did not return for five years. I gave birth to our daughter, Eve, alone and waited for him to come back home. When I heard that Roy had finally applied to return to a domestic position, I was overjoyed. I spent days preparing, imagining our first reunion as husband and wife. But even when the clock struck midnight, he still hadn't come home. Our daughter, ever so thoughtful, placed her most treasured possession—a photograph of Roy—into my hands. "Don't cry, Mommy," she said softly. "Look, Daddy's right here." I tried to convince myself that his absence was due to a delayed flight. But later that night, while watching the news, I saw him. He was on a crowded city street, holding a young girl in his arms. Beside him stood a woman, her smile soft and warm. Facing the camera, Roy said, "Being with them is my greatest wish." At that moment, something inside me broke. I wrote up the divorce papers, packed our things, and planned to take Eve to change her identity. I didn't want him anymore. The day before we left, a man I had never met came to see me. He was Roy's father. "You could call me Dad," he said, a faint smile playing on his lips. "But I'd rather you call me Ryan." I told him everything about the past five years—how I had waited, how I had hoped. When I finished, he laughed softly, an unusual warmth in his voice. "If it was just business," he said, "perhaps your father should have tied a bow around me and sent me to your bed instead. But I hold my liquor well—if I ever end up wrapped in a bow, you can be sure it's by choice."

Usiaku 15 tahun saat Ayah dan Ibu akhirnya menemukan aku dari pegunungan terpencil. Melihat tubuhku yang penuh luka dan kekurangan gizi, mereka bersumpah akan menebus semua yang pernah hilang dariku. Ibu berkata aku adalah harta paling berharga milik Keluarga Atmaja. Dia mengganti namaku dari "Ilalang" menjadi "Ratna Atmaja". Ayah berkata, seberapa pun sibuknya dia nanti, setiap hari dia akan pulang untuk makan malam bersamaku, agar aku bisa merasakan kembali arti rumah. Aku pikir, akhirnya aku akan bahagia. Namun sepuluh tahun kemudian, aku malah meninggal di rumah kontrakan yang diberikan oleh adik perempuanku yang palsu itu. Saat itu, anakku berusia tiga tahun. Untuk bersenang-senang, para penculik memberiku tiga kali kesempatan meminta pertolongan. Selama ada seseorang yang mau datang melihatku, mereka akan melepaskan anakku. Kesempatan pertama, aku menelepon Ayah yang tak pernah berhenti mencariku selama 15 tahun. Saat itu dia sedang mengatur para pelayan untuk menyiapkan pesta ulang tahun adik palsuku. Setelah menerima teleponku, dia mengerutkan kening. "Ratna, kamu nggak tahu hari ini ulang tahun adikmu? Jangan bikin sial." Kesempatan kedua, aku menelepon Ibu yang dulu berjanji akan menganggapku sebagai harta paling berharga. Dia memandang penuh sayang ketika adik palsu itu merebut ponsel, lalu menatapku dengan jijik tanpa ditutupi sedikit pun. "Ratna, kalau mau bohong, bisa nggak lebih pintar sedikit? Kalau kamu terus bikin masalah, jangan harap bisa dapat uang hidup untuk bulan depan." Kesempatan ketiga, aku menelepon ayah dari anakku, suami yang dipilih dengan sangat teliti oleh orang tuaku. Dia bilang sedang rapat, setelah itu masih harus memilih hadiah untuk adikku, tidak ada waktu meladeniku bermain drama. Dia juga berkata, kalau aku mau bersikap patuh, minggu depan dia akan mengizinkanku membawa anak pulang untuk makan bersama keluarga. Aku mencium putraku yang gemetar ketakutan di dalam pelukanku, lalu memohon agar mereka memberiku satu kesempatan terakhir, membiarkanku menulis pesan perpisahan. Saat ponsel kembali ke tanganku, aku mengirim dua pesan ke grup keluarga. Satu foto tubuhku yang berlumuran darah. Satu kalimat pendek yang keluar dari lubuk hatiku. [ Aku benar-benar akan mati. Di kehidupan berikutnya, jangan jemput aku pulang lagi. ]