I've thought about this a lot while reading those 'perfect wife turned independent' arcs. The initial care often feels like a character's entire identity—making his favorite meals, managing his calendar, being the emotional rock. But the balance, when it's done well in a story, comes from a shift in framing. It's not about doing less, but about the care becoming a choice, not an obligation. The wife character starts to have her own projects, her own quiet hours, her own frustrations she doesn't immediately soothe for him.
You see it in books where the wife rediscovers an old passion. The care might still be there, but it's scheduled around her painting class or her study group. The personal boundary is the time and mental space she claims as non-negotiable. The real tension, and what makes for good reading, is when the husband character has to adapt to not being the default center of the universe. That adjustment period, whether it's funny or fraught, is where the balance is actually negotiated.
For me, the most satisfying version isn't a wife who stops caring, but one whose care is now part of a richer, more balanced life. It makes the moments of genuine tenderness feel more earned, less like a default setting.