Hilarious Quotes About Family

My husband and I have been married for a decade. When I finally conceive for the first time in ten years, I realize my worst enemies are my family, who all want me dead. I've made a promise to return to the fertility shrine on the mountain and fulfill my vow if things work out, but my mother-in-law deliberately messes up the cable car tickets. In the process of hiking up the mountain for two hours, I lose my baby. In the hospital, I cry to my husband about all the vicious things his mother has done to me, but he kicks me in the stomach. "I had a vasectomy a long time ago. There's no way that bastard inside you is mine!" When he hands me the proof, I'm completely speechless. I break down in tears and run back to my parents' place. Not only do my parents hire a nanny to help take care of me, but they even move out of the house so I can rest in tranquility. When I'm eight months pregnant, I overhear them whispering in the bathroom. "We can never let Gina have the baby. I don't care if it kills her—we're all screwed if the child is born!" "Relax. The doctor already told me that Gina's got leukemia from all the formaldehyde in our new house. Even the baby's deformed!" Shocked, I burst into the bathroom to confront them, but the slippery floor causes me to fall hard. Instantly, blood snakes across the tiles. As I lie there in pain, I look up and see the cold, twisted smiles on my parents' faces before taking my last breath. I cannot fathom why my family wants me dead. I thought they'd been looking forward to his baby for a decade. When I open my eyes again, I return to the very day my mother-in-law insists on taking me to the mountain.

My parents' enemy kidnaps me and livestreams chopping off my fingers just to force them to show up. For a time, the entire Internet searches for my parents. But what they don't know is that the captain who appeared in the livestream is my biological father. At that moment, he's on a beach in Hashford, setting off magnificent fireworks for his adopted daughter. And on their barbecue table, the livestream of my fingers being severed is playing. Later on, when I survive long enough to be rescued, I reach out my mangled hand to touch my parents. They recoil in disgust and leave without looking back, taking the adopted daughter out for Wersole food. But they don't know that the thing hidden within my mangled palm will make them regret their actions beyond measure.

On the day I become Alpha Ethan Sadler's mate, he tells me, "Our mate bond is merely to honor the promise between our elders. You will be my Luna by name. You shall have everything in my name, except my love." For three years, I obediently played the role of his mate in name. Then, a socialite named Sophia Kirk hands me a check for two million dollars, urging me to leave Ethan. "Ethan said your mate bond exists only to repay the debts of the older generation. It's a necessary sacrifice. Now, he needs a real family and a mate who can bear his heir. You've wasted three years of his life. It's time to let go." It turns out Ethan already has a lover. It is indeed inappropriate for me to take the place of his Luna any longer. That night, I approach Ethan, who is going through some documents. "You once promised to give me anything I wanted. Does that promise still hold?" Ethan sets down the documents, removes his metal-rimmed glasses, and loosens his tie. His ashen eyes swirl with emotions, and an eager smile curves his lips. "Of course. Tell me what you want." I tighten my grip on the Bond-Breaking Agreement I am holding and place it before him. "I want you to sign this."

It's my third day of being a ghost, and I feel like I'm going to starve to death again. The underworld messenger takes pity on me because I'm a child and secretly tells me that people like me, who suffered grievances and died with resentment, have to stay by the sides of the people who loved us most in life. Then, we survive on their "guilt". I lower my head and narrow my eyes. I choke up and say, "You might as well just leave me to starve." My mother hated me to the core. Why would she ever be guilty over my death?

Mom has extreme mania. Dad was murdered when I was eight, and I went blind while trying to save Mom. I became her only family and weakness. Anyone who makes fun of me for being blind has their eyes gouged out; anyone who disrespects me is sliced and diced before being fed to the dogs. Later, Mom turns into a she-devil with a hundred-billion-dollar net worth. Everyone in Gristport fears her, but she treats me like a princess. The whole city knows not to offend Eleanor Heinrich's daughter. She scours the world for the best optometrists to treat my eyes. On the day I regain my vision, I hear about Mom finding her birth daughter. She says, "You'll soon have a sister who loves you very much, Sienna." I hear that my sister has been through a lot since childhood and is introverted. I prepare many gifts for her, even wanting to give her the pendant Dad gave me. Yet she instructs her people to take me to a deserted roof. "You're nothing but a faker who stole my place in life! I'm going to slice your tongue—let's see how you can continue lying to Mom when you can't speak!" She shatters the pendant, gouges my eyeballs out, slashes my tongue, and has several men torment me to death. Lastly, she includes my eyeballs as decorations in a bouquet and brings it to Mom. "This is a gift I've prepared for your birthday, Mom. Do you like it?"

My mother hated me, to the point that she wished I were dead. I knew I deserved to die. Sixteen years ago, if I hadn’t insisted on going out, my brother wouldn’t have died while trying to save me. Eventually, both of us got what we wished for. I got brain cancer. She had become a stranger to me as I forgot everything and went to die in blissful ignorance. Then, she went mad.

The night I find out I'm pregnant, my family's villa suddenly goes up in flames. I endure the suffocating smoke and run the risk of being disfigured as I run to my son's bedroom. However, it's empty. Just then, I hear his excited exclamations outside the window. "Monica, you look so cool when putting out fires! I bet you'll get first place in this upcoming Firefighter Challenge!" I'm about to head downstairs to lecture him when a wall collapses and crushes me. As I drift in and out of consciousness, I hear my stern, stoic husband praise Monica Sloan for her courage. If I'm guessing correctly, my husband and son have started this fire to please her. I stare at the door, which is so close and yet so far. I send out one final text before dying of asphyxiation.

My sister is diagnosed with leukemia after a medical checkup at the hospital where I work. My bone marrow is a match for her. Out of curiosity, I tell my family I'm the one who's sick. They vehemently oppose to her donating her bone marrow to me. "A bone marrow donation is risky! We can't let your sister put herself in danger." "Don't drag your sister into this just because you're sick. Everyone's life and death is fated—you have to accept your destiny." My sister also refuses to help me, brushing me off with the excuse that she's preparing to conceive. My relationship with my family is strained, so their behavior thoroughly destroys it. When I realize this, I leave the diagnosis report behind and walk out on them.

Lorsque je suis allée refaire le certificat de liaison conjugale, l'agent du service administratif m'a annoncé : « Votre ancien certificat de liaison est un faux. Nous n'avons aucune trace de votre enregistrement ici. » Je n'en croyais pas mes oreilles et j'ai insisté : « Sébastien et moi sommes pourtant officiellement liés depuis cinq ans… Comment est-ce possible ? Pouvez-vous vérifier à nouveau, s'il vous plaît ? » Cyrille a compulsé une seconde fois nos dossiers et a conclu : « Les documents de l'Alpha Sébastien sont bien là… Mais selon nos archives, son partenaire officiel n'est pas vous. » Ma voix s'est brisée : « Qui, alors ? » « Lorie. » Sa réponse était nette. À ce nom, j'ai serré le dossier de la chaise jusqu'à blêmir, luttant pour ne pas m'effondrer. Avant que Cyrille ne prononce le nom de Lorie, j'espérais encore une erreur. Mais maintenant, tout prenait un sens terriblement cohérent. Lorie… n'était autre que l'amie d'enfance de Sébastien ! À cet instant, tant de choses trouvaient enfin une explication : ces cinq années passées comme son partenaire, sans qu'il ne me marque jamais. Notre cérémonie de liaison, cinq ans plus tôt, n'avait été qu'une mascarade. J'avais tout abandonné pour lui, croyant à un bonheur possible. Mais ces cinq années de « félicité » n'étaient qu'une illusion, soigneusement fabriquée par lui. Puisque rien de tout cela ne m'appartenait vraiment… il était temps de partir...

Les Hommes-Bêtes étaient réputés pour leur force guerrière. Pour consolider le pouvoir de notre clan, mon père nous a offertes, ma demi-sœur Anaïs Moineau et moi, en mariage aux deux de ces peuples. Dans ma vie antérieure, Anaïs avait épousé le roi des Dragons, dont la richesse rivalisait avec celle de toutes les autres races réunies, tandis que j'avais été contrainte de m'unir au clan démuni des Lions. Le roi des Dragons, Gaylord Dieulafoy, homme froid et impassible, ne vivait que pour ses ambitions, négligeant complètement Anaïs. Rongée par la solitude, elle avait séduit le jeune maître volage des Renards. Leur adultère avait été découvert, et Gaylord l'avait répudiée. Notre famille en était couverte de honte. Sous la pression, notre père, pourtant si indulgent envers elle, avait dû la chasser. En revanche, Brice Gardet, le roi des Lions, était dévoué et passionné. Notre union était heureuse et, en moins d'un an, j'avais mis au monde des enfants, dotés de pouvoirs divins. Grâce à ça, Brice était devenu le souverain de tous les clans des Hommes-Bêtes, et moi, sa reine. Mais la jalousie d'Anaïs avait tout détruit. Le jour de la fête pour le premier anniversaire de mon enfant, elle l'avait étranglé, puis avait mis le feu à ma demeure pour m'y brûler vive. Quand j'ai rouvert les yeux, nous étions de retour au jour des alliances. Cette fois, Anaïs a exigé d'épouser Brice, me « cédant » ainsi Gaylord. Je l'ai accepté. Dotée d'une dot dix fois moindre que la sienne, j'ai épousé Gaylord. Par la suite ? Anaïs a épuisé toute sa dot à soutenir le Lion, et son incapacité à procréer l'a contrainte à s'accoupler avec d'autres Hommes-Bêtes. Moi qui n'aspirais qu'à un enfant et une existence paisible après la tragédie de ma vie précédente, j'ai dû faire face à une autre réalité : pourquoi mon mari, réputé froid et abstinent, me réclamait-il sans cesse depuis notre nuit nuptiale ? Et pourquoi personne ne m'avait avertie que les Dragons possédaient deux pénis… tous deux épineux ?