Leslie Nielsen Novels & Stories

“Are you serious?” “Yes, eat the rest of that roll and then we will continue,” Solon replied. I frowned and quickly shoved the roll into my mouth. I nearly choked as I tried to eat it as fast as possible. Nolan coughed, trying to hide a laugh. He handed me a glass of water which I quickly drank. I placed the glass down on the tray and said, “Okay, done, Leslie what do you mean you have a solution?” “Don’t get excited yet,” Leslie warned. “I want to be clear about what this is. I cannot cure your father. I can only buy time.”

Leslie smiled and placed a piece of chicken in my mouth. I chewed on it as he brought his chair closer with a bright smile on his face. Leslie said his name like any proud parent. “Jeremy Nikolaus Dietrich Campbell.”

Arnold: “You are on a blind date at a pool?” Leslie: “Yup! And I have six potential suitors. Maybe you can help me decide which one to choose. There is the eldest son of Evergrande, the second master of JOINASIA, the young master of the Walmart Group, and three popular stars, all of whom are candidates for Best Actor at the Oscars. Which one do you think I should choose?” Crystal couldn’t help but be surprised by what Leslie had said. She didn’t realize that her friend was familiar with all of these people, and she was blown away.

“Somebody making small batch ice cream in funky flavors.” Leslie joined us back at the property. She was a chunky lesbian who wore T-shirts with aggressive slogans, which contrasted with her beautifully manicured and polished set of fingernails, which she kept up with regular visits to a nail salon on Washington Avenue staffed by a bunch of Peruvian sisters and cousins. She was a combination of tough girl, Long Island Jewish princess, and funky artist. Her T-shirt that day featured a picture of Marie Antoinette and the slogan, Let them eat shit.

Leslie turned around and left. Nellie was stunned by his reaction and took off after him. “Leslie!” She found him at the end of the hallway, smoking. Then, she approached him and realized that his eyes were completely red. Quivering with anger, she said, “Are you sad because she's about to marry someone else? Do you have lingering feelings for her after all these years, Leslie? “You’ve slept with countless ladies. What makes her so special? What, did she put a spell on you for you to love her so? Or, was it because she was particularly good in bed?”