Meal Management

"Breaking News! A certain A-lister was sent to the hospital in the middle of the night because of… anal fissures!" "This just in—a certain A-lister is witnessed being carted out of the elite heir's residence!" As I read the viral headlines featuring myself, I can't help but clench my fists tightly. "What the heck? Who came up with these stupid rumors anyway? I went to the hospital to get my hemorrhoids removed!" And here I am, thinking about why my long-time rival, Pierce Kirkland, had decided to invite me over to his place for a candlelit dinner in the first place. It turns out that he wanted to watch me embarrass myself after eating a spicy meal! But after Pierce makes a shoutout on a show, I belatedly realize that I can never escape from him anymore.

My husband, Alex Walter, was the head of the Bodyguard Association. When I was about to be killed by the kidnappers, he was comforting his childhood crush, Susan Miller, who was sobbing in his arms. While the kidnappers stopped for a meal, I called Alex five times calmly. He was angry when he finally answered. "Susan was just rescued from the kidnappers, and she needs me. If you want me to come home, stop using your own kidnapping as some excuse to compete for attention. It is pathetic!" Hearing Susan's sweet and delicate voice in the background, I had no time to argue with him. Instead, I called the Bodyguard Association. The operator informed me that Alex had pulled all the city's bodyguards away thirty minutes earlier to rescue Susan. When the kidnappers returned, they mocked Alex's heroic efforts to save Susan, mobilizing the entire force for her. If I remember correctly, this was Susan's twenty-eighth kidnapping this month. As the kidnappers approached me with guns and tasers, I closed my eyes in despair. Before I died, I used all my strength to send Alex one last text message, [No matter what, I loved you. Move on from me.]