Chapter 1: Audra Lehmann

“You don’t understand! I can’t do that again. If anything were to happen to you, I wouldn’t make it. I would have nothing left to live for anymore.” He yells at me, anger and pain flashing in his eyes.

“But we don’t know that will happen. Do you have any idea how rare that actually is? Because I do. It’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

I see his arms raise up and it instantly triggers my fight or flight response. I drop on the floor to my knees, shielding my head with my arms and waiting for the first blow.

When it doesn’t come, it’s in that moment I realize that it doesn’t matter how far I go or who I’m with.

I’ll never be free.

__________________________

My eyes flutter open and I let out a soft grumble as I roll over and bury myself under the warmth of my white down comforter.

My alarm clock hadn’t chimed yet but I knew, based on the soft sunlight filtering in through my drapes, it would be going off soon enough.

I let out a yawn as I stretch and sit up on the edge of my bed, wishing I could just curl back up and sleep some more.

I had worked late last night; much later than I was supposed to, and I was due back for another 12 hour shift today. But such is the life of a pediatric nurse. It might be the end of my shift but my tiny patients only let me go when they are ready.

I turn off my alarm before it sounds and take a quick shower. I pull on my comfy blue scrubs and finagle my long, ashy blonde hair into a messy bun. I decide I’m going to swing through Starbucks before I head in since I had extra time. I could use a cold brew with an extra shot or two of espresso since I’m running on 5 hours of mediocre sleep.

I’ve always been a rotten sleeper and adjusting to sleeping alone again isn’t going as smoothly as it had in the past.

It had been 4.5 months since I split with my now ex boyfriend, Tyler. After 3 years, what once was a burning hot relationship, we became 2 people just simply existing under the same roof. Despite that, it was always nice to be able to have someone laying next to me at night. It helped me unwind after the traumas my job brought me that day.

Not every day was a bad day. I had a lot of great days. More good than bad by far. But when it was a bad day… it was a BAD day. I knew it would be tough to work in pediatrics but nothing prepared me for how emotionally draining it was.

I pull into the parking ramp, scan my parking pass and head to the third level of the ramp. I park my little blue Ford Focus and as I’m getting out, a black Honda minivan pulls in next to me.

“Back again already, Audra?” Chirps my work bestie, Danna.

“I hustle hard so I can play harder” I chirp back with a sassy grin.

“Well don’t hustle so hard that you don’t have time to find someone to play hard with! Ever since you and Tyler split, you’ve been working doubles and picking up as many overtime shifts as you can. You need a break. Maybe an orgasm or three.” She teases as she walks toward the building with me.

“Shut up!” I giggle as I give her a light, playful hip check.

“Besides. I’ll be playing plenty this weekend. Simon is back for spring break.”

“Oh? Well then I expect not to hear from you until you emerge from your sex coma in a couple weeks.”

I roll my eyes while opening the door for her “It’s not like that with Simon. We’ve known each other since we were 14 and 15. He’s one of my best friends.”

“Mmmhmmm… friends” she mumbles, not believing me for a second.

We step off the elevator onto the 3rd floor. The NICU is quiet but deafening at the same time. There’s no crying but the sounds of the medical equipment hum, bringing a white noise effect that you don’t notice until you don’t hear it anymore.

I toss my purse and jacket into my locker quick and then slink over to the nurse’s station to get brought up to speed.

“Oh my god, you’re back already?!” Michelle, the charge nurse exclaims

“Yeah. I wasn’t planning on being here so late but you know how 312 can be. I swear that little guy causes mischief on purpose just to keep his favorite nurse here longer.”

“He certainly seems to thrive while you’re here with him, doesn’t he?”

The patient in 312, Daniel, is a handful. Literally. He is a true miracle. He is a 23 weeker, weighing 1lb 2oz when he was born. His mom had a placental abruption. His father is a well respected CEO of a large accounting firm. Matthew Christiansen.

He is technically 8 weeks old now but still isn’t even supposed to be here yet. A concept that is still so wild to me even though I’m staring it in the face every day.

“How did he do over night? Any changes?” I ask, trying to hide the anxiety in my voice.

In the last 8 weeks, the little stinker has coded twice on us. One of those times was last night.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attached. I was afraid we were not going to get him back. We got him stable and they brought him to surgery before I left last night. He had another brain bleed- a common occurrence in micro preemies. Daniel always seemed to have his issues when it was time for me to leave, like he was trying to keep me around longer.

“Good. No more trouble once he was back from surgery. No more tremors since the clot was removed. He’s had his meds already. Dr. Longbella will be rounding on him and the others soon. No changes with 314, 319, or 321 and 317 is likely discharging today. She passed her car seat test this morning. Longbella just wants to do another this afternoon to be sure.” She reports to me.

“Oh finally! I’m so happy for them. They’ve been waiting so long for this. I know she can do it!”

I let Michelle finish her charting and poke my head into Daniel’s room and I greet Matthew. I check his vitals and then help Matthew settle into a chair with Daniel for some skin to skin; a beneficial bonding experience for both of them.

I catch myself admiring the two of them way longer than was appropriate when Dr. Longbella and two of the surgical residents come in for rounds. I greet them, quickly report vitals, and then bolt. I swear I was 50 shades of crimson by the time I got back to the nurse’s station.

“Mmmm you know who I wouldn’t mind playing hard with? That guy.” Danna whispers to me.

“Dr. Longbella?!” I feign, like I wasn’t just drooling over a hot dad 15 seconds ago.

“No! Matthew Christiansen. Rich. Hot. And a dad. He’s like a triple threat.”

“Omg D… keep your scrubs on” I roll my eyes and swat at her. “It’s no wonder you and Brandon have like 9 kids.”

Danna laughs and shrugs but doesn’t deny it. I wasn’t wrong.

I shake my head and grab the stack of charts to go check on my other patients.

Before I know it, it’s already the end of my shift. Daniel must have decided that the tantrum he threw last night was sufficient for a while because he didn’t even so much as skip a breath all day.

The drive home felt like it took forever. I’m completely exhausted. I don’t even bother taking a shower, I just strip down to my bra and panties before collapsing onto my bed and I’m pretty sure I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow