The Darkness Within

Ryder's POV 

It's been two years since the day I felt her die. Two years since my world came crashing down. It felt like I had died with her that day. I know a large piece of myself did. 

I didn't know one was capable of crying so hard, that something could hurt so deeply, or that one could feel themselves dying inside. I did. I hated everything and everyone. I hated the world, and I hated the Goddess. I begged for her to return my angel to me, but she didn't. I begged, pleaded, and bartered, but it was pointless. It was as though she ignored me.

The only reason I kept going, the only thing that gave me a reason to live, was the little redhead that looked just like her mother.  

From the porch, I can see my daughter lying next to her mother's grave. She's excited because she finally got her wings. At least, that's what she calls it. She had them from day one, but she wasn't able to summon them when she wanted. She didn't have control over her angel abilities yet. That all changed five days ago. Five days ago, she came into her Angel abilities and now she can summon her wings whenever she wants. 

She's proud of her wings. She is out there right now telling her mother all about them. 

Five days ago was the second time I saw her since she died. Angelica blessed our daughter with her presence. She gave her her light that day, the source of her angel abilities, which allowed her full access to all of her abilities.

I wish she had stayed or took me with her. My heart feels so broken, cold, and dead without her. Instead of staying or taking me with her, she told me it was time to let her go and leave this place. She told me it's time to live again… How do I do that without her? 

Azalea turns and smiles at me, and I realize she's right. I haven't been the father she needs. I've been too caught up in my sorrow to be the parent that my beautiful daughter needs. 

I walk down the three steps and toss my bag into the backseat of the truck. Before climbing in, I looked back at her house. I let my eye sweep over her beautiful little cottage that sits in the middle of nowhere. I can see the edge of the garden from here—the garden her daughter has been tending since she died.

I let out a shaky breath and swallowed the lump in my throat. 

“Angelica… I don't want to leave this place. It's you. How can I leave you?” I whispered. My eyes close, and tears roll down my cheeks.

I feel her warmth and her lips against my forehead. 

“I'm not here anymore. This place isn't me anymore. I'm in your heart. I'm in heaven watching over you. You have to leave this place so you can live again. You have to live, Ryder! You have to live so one day we can be together again.” 

“I love you so much, Angelica!”

“I love you too, Ryder! I promise, one day, we'll be together again. Until then, live, my love,” Angelica said before she disappeared. But before she left, I felt her hand wrap around my heart and ease some of the ache. 

When I open my eyes, she's not there, but I can still feel the calming sensation she left behind. 

I reach up and wipe my face. As I look back toward the tree of my mate's final resting place, I see my daughter bouncing across the lawn toward me. 

“Are you ready, kiddo?” I asked, amazed at how she could smile when I knew she was sad. 

“I'm ready!” she said before pulling on my shirt to lower my head and kissing my cheek. I smile, roughing my fingers through her hair, and she giggles as she ducks away. The car doors shut, and the car engine roars to life. 

As we begin driving away, I glance in the rearview mirror and see her cottage becoming smaller the further away we go. I feel the familiar lump forming in my throat, and I fight the urge to turn around and go back to it. 

I looked down when her hand wrapped around mine and squeezed. 

“Mama's not there anymore, Daddy. She's here, and here,” She said as she touched her hand against my chest, over my heart, before doing the same to her. 

“I know, baby girl. It's just hard. It feels like I'm walking away from the last piece of her.”

“You're not, Daddy. The last piece of her is right here next to you.” She said, and it took everything in me not to cry.

I reached over, grabbed her head, and pulled it toward me. I leaned over and kissed the top of her head as hard as I could. 

“I love you, sweetheart!... I'm sorry you always have to comfort me when I should be comforting you.”

“No, Daddy, we're here for each other. Mama is happy that we have each other to lean on.” 

I don't know how my little girl became so strong. She's stronger than me sometimes. Heck, most of the time. 

I admire her strength. She's so soft and gentle, just like her mom, but so strong and strong-willed. 

                              ~

The drive was long. As we got closer, she began bouncing in her seat. I chuckled as I glanced at her. 

“What are you so excited about?”

“I can't believe we're going to live in a pack! I wonder what it's going to be like?” She said as if she'd never stepped foot in a pack before.

I chuckled again. 

“It'll be just like it was the last time we visited,” I said, and she glared at me. 

“I don't mean like that! I mean, it's going to be so different, you know! It won't be so quiet. We won't be alone.”

“It'll be quieter than you think. We're not living in the pack house the whole time. Once they're done fixing up the house, you'll hardly be able to tell we're living in a pack,” I said. 

A moment later, she just about squealed when the gate and guards came into view. 

I slowed and rolled my window down as the guard stepped forward. When the guard approached my window, Azalea leaned across my lap and happily waved at him. 

“Hi! We're moving in! Can you believe it? I'm so excited!” Azalea said happily, and the guard raised an eyebrow. The guy behind him snorted and turned around as he laughed. 

“It looks like it's our lucky day!” The guard said, and Azalea tilted her head. 

“Why is that?”

“Because our pack is gaining an angel!” He said, and Azalea blushed. 

“All right, sit back,” I said as I gently pushed my daughter back into her seat. 

I turned my head back to the guard and gave him a pointed look. I wasn't sure if he was being friendly or flirting with my daughter right in front of my face. He immediately cleared his throat and stepped back. 

“Welcome to the pack, Beta Ryder,” He said as the gate opened. 

Azalea grabbed her basket from the floor behind the center console and began digging through it. 

“Oh, good! Everything's here! " she said as she closed the lid and looked forward again.

“Whatcha got there?” I asked as I stretched my stiff back. I sighed in relief when I felt it crack. 

“Herbs for Granddaddy. Ellie has had an upset stomach, and she hasn't been sleeping. I have a few things in here to help.” Azalea said before squealing when she saw her grandparents and great-grandparents sitting on the front porch of the pack house. 

My heart thrummed when my eyes met Lucian's. I can see the guilt in his eyes, and he quickly cast them down. 

I know he's not responsible for her death, but if he wasn't there that night at the auction, she would still be here. She would have never felt her Dad dying, and she would have never taken his place. 

He has apologized a million times, and each time, I tell him he doesn't need to apologize. But I think he knows that I see her dying every time I see him. 

He's an instant trigger to that day, to that very moment, and there's nothing he can do to change that. I don't hate him, and I don't blame him, but I can't look at him for very long. I keep my distance, and any visit we have is short on my end. Whether I'm dropping my daughter off for a visit or they come to pick her up for one, I say my hellos and quickly leave. 

I can't do that now. Not when they're here visiting, which I know they do quite frequently. At least they don't live in this pack, and I don't have to see them every day. I wouldn't be able to handle seeing him every day. I wouldn't be able to be reminded of feeling her die every single day. 

“There's my angel!” Thaddeus said as he kneeled and opened his arms. 

“Grandfather!” Azalea said as she leaped into Thaddeus's arms. The large Alpha wrapped his strong arms around her and squeezed her tight as he stood. She squealed as he spun her before setting her on her feet. 

“Grandpa!” she said, turning and jumping into Maddox's arms. The Alpha dropped his head to her neck, his eyes closed and hugged her tight. 

I know he sees what I see every time I look at her. It's like looking at a young Angelica. He sees his daughter every time he sees mine. 

“Hey, princess,” Maddox said before kissing her cheek.

Thaddeus chuckled as he watched Azalea greet all five of her grandparents. She was definitely one lucky little girl to have so many grandparents who adored her. 

“There's someone in the kitchen waiting for you,” Thaddeus said as he nudged his chin toward the pack house. 

I raised an eyebrow at him in question, but he simply ignored me and turned to wrap his arm around Aiden. 

Curious, I grab my daughter's bags and head inside. I set the bags down near the door and looked toward the kitchen. I immediately saw who was waiting for me. He lifted his head, and his eyes softened as he smiled. 

I haven't seen him in a while. For a moment, it feels like years. Like I went back in time—back to a time before the pain. I find my legs moving on their own as I cross the room. He stands as I approach. He opens his arms, and I walk into them. The Alpha's arms wrap around me as my head drops to his neck. 

Michael squeezed me as if it had been years. The hug seemed to last forever before it finally ended, and we pulled apart. His hand rested on my shoulder, and he squeezed it as he tapped my cheek with his right hand.

“It feels like it's been forever! How are you doing?” Michael asked as he sat down, pulled a chair out next to himself, and gestured for me to sit. 

“I'm okay. Hanging in there,” I said and thanked Asher as he handed me a cup of coffee. 

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked before sipping my coffee and letting out a content sigh. The taste of the dark roasted coffee beans hit the spot.

“We've been here for the past three days. Reid and Lucian have been trying to figure out what's wrong with Noah,” Michael said before he and Asher shared a look of concern. 

“Noah? What's wrong with him?” I asked. It's not every day a werewolf gets sick. The same sicknesses and diseases that affect humans don't affect us. Our wolves are able to heal just about anything. Anything from a broken bone to torn tissue. 

Reid and Lucian, on the other hand, can fix just about anyone. Reid fixed his father's legs when he was paralyzed, and he even brought back his mate when he died. The fact that Reid and Lucian haven't already fixed him is alarming. 

“We don't know. It started with Noah not being able to communicate with his wolf, and now he's so weak he can barely walk.” Asher said. 

My eyebrows knit together as I look down and begin thinking. 

“This sounds familiar, but I can't remember where I heard of these symptoms or what they were. Once I get all of our stuff out of the truck, I'll look for Angelica's medical book and see if I can find anything in there,” I said, and I could see the hope in their eyes.