Chapter 1: Past and Future regrets

For as long as I can remember, I have been struggling for my own survival.

At the age of 16, I became an orphan left to brave the world alone. You would think that my struggle started from there, but the truth is that it has been worst when they were around.

Nor parents or siblings acted like a family, desperately trying to bring this family closer, I suggested to my parents, brother and sister to enjoy a week-end trip all together.

But would have thought that even fate was against this family becoming that… a family?

The trip that was supposed to bring all of us together ended up taking all of them to the afterlife, leaving me with a deformed appearance, a burn scar on 16 year old orphan girl… with no relatives to look after her.

I obviously ended up barely living alone in a house, struggling between studies and part time jobs.

When young people my age were worried about what to wear, the latest trends or what their next vacation spot is for the upcoming summer, I was worried about “what will I eat this evening and the one after?”

I ended up growing as a malnourished person until I got my school certificate and became a fully fledged lawyer in a company!

It was the start of a new lifestyle! I could buy myself food clothes and even started playing video games, reading manga, watching movies like any normal person!

I could finally say goodbye to the suffering and struggle! Bye to the days I spent hugging a pillow to forget about my hunger! By to the days I had to spend running around searching for part time jobs till I collapsed from exhaustion!

All of that and many more is over! By becoming a company lawyer I could finally breathe, and live.

I could start having hopes for future, thinking of making a family of my own and living a life without regrets! I even have a pet cat now!

But when I at last found a fraction of happiness everything crumbled like a sand castle ravaged by the waves of fate, making all my efforts and hopes void.

After a busy day of contracts negotiations, I left the office late at night after successfully dealing with the client’s negotiator.

It was late at night when death came to me in the shape of a wild truck, the screeching wheels, the bright lights, someone calling out for my name, the impact, the pain, the numb feeling when I was emptied from my blood…

I looked at the black sky and sighed as I let out my last breath abandoning my useless struggle against the almighty power of fate, asking myself why I have even tried so hard for everything to come to an end like this…

I regret not enjoying my life; I regret not making my dreams true, I regret working so hard for it all to become futile, I regret living alone for so long and not having a family of my own, I regret not asking that person on date, I regret not being able to say goodbye to my two friends, I regret the time and energy I spent worrying about my appearance and complicating my life because of a scar, and I regret not being able to take care of my little cat anymore!

Leaving the world with so many regrets… a virgin at her late twenties…

Cursing this fate of mine for being so cruel, not giving me chance to enjoy my existence and life, even though my ideals were nothing abnormal.

The last breath was accompanied by a desperate wish, whispered silently, carried away, and suppressed by the noise of the crowd gathering around me whilst my sight grew dim till it became complete darkness…

Dark, silent, overpowering, peaceful, stressing, thrilling, lonely, empty, full, bright less, colorless, vast, deep, bottomless, agitated, calm, stable, variable, structured and also chaotic…but it was also beautiful.

Those are the words that could describe a bit of what I could feel inside that dark abyss.

I wish I could see

I wish I could know what is this… know everything

I wish I would never get lost

I wish I was never lonely…

I wish I was not weak and that my hard work always pays

I wish I could get through everything with logic

I wish I could use law to my advantage

I wish to never get sick and never suffer from illness ever again

I wish I could see through lies and all barriers…

But what I wish more than anything… I don’t want to die a meaningless death!

At that moment… making wishes inside the abyss, begging for a second chance, was all I could do.

But if it works… if there is the slightest chance for it to work, I have to try!

If I can live… if I can survive even, if the probability is low… I’ll do it!

That is when I heard a sound, NO it’s a voice! It was deep and coming from all sides, I couldn’t discern if it was a man or a woman, a kid or an adult… but I could hear it loud and clear speaking in an awkward way

{Host acquired, initializing the character creation.}

I suddenly felt a deadly pain sharp like if needles were stabbing my entire body! I felt hot and cold, numb and agitated! A mix of incomprehensible pain as if my structure was being remolded!

For god knows how long the pain remained, for how long my consciousness passed out and woke up again to feel the pain then pass out again on an almost unending cycle of torment…

What is this? Why is it happening to me? I am already dead… but will I end up perishing here? Is this hell? This is divine punishment for my sins? Is it because I didn’t mourn for their death? Is it because I used my talents and profession as a lawyer to help the company head find a loophole and never pay taxes? Or is it because I forced the hands of some people to sign some contracts in my favor under the orders of the company head?

Is this because I secretly enjoyed the suffering of people I hate and despise? Is it because when I got my revenge on a school comrade when she spread rumors about me and got on her by completely ruining her school life, leaking out her secrets on the official site of the school resulting on her complete ruin?

Or is it perhaps when I did something bad and said sorry, I actually never meant it?

Are these the reason why it all turned out like this? Is it because I was not a good enough worshiper?!

No… I don’t want to perish! I don’t want to cease to exist like this! I still have so much I want to do! But what can I do right now… think! Think of way… I am here unable to move or anything, all that’s in my power and capability right now is to resist! I need to keep on resisting and keep my consciousness awake! I won’t die! NO! I won’t let it befall me no matter what!

 Permanent death that is! I won’t perish!