A TASTE OF SIN

Chapter 1

Luca's Pov

I stared at the screen, lost in my thoughts. I already had my shorts pushed down but I forced myself to stop. I had not seen anything like this before. The images playing made my mind race with things I knew were wrong. It felt like my body was betraying me again, pulling me toward something I had promised myself I would leave behind before starting this new life. My heart was beating fast and I felt that familiar guilt building up inside my chest, heavy and uncomfortable, making it hard to breathe properly. I kept thinking about how this was supposed to be the night everything changed for me, the night I walked away from all my old habits and stepped into something clean and meaningful. But here I was, still struggling with the same weaknesses that had followed me for so long.

Just when I was about to calm myself down and turn everything off, a knock came at the door followed by my uncle's voice.

"The car is ready Luca. Why are you taking so long?"

Shit. It was too late for me to hide what I had been doing. I quickly zipped my shorts up. I did not have the time to change my clothes or clean myself up properly. The next thing I did was rub my hands on the bed and rush out of the room to meet my uncle who had already gone downstairs to start the car.

"Men do not take this long to dress up," he said with his fierce eyes pressing on me.

"I needed to pick up my things before we left, so I took long."

"Picked everything up?"

"Yeah I did," I said as we both walked into the car.

The drive was silent and calm. My hands kept covering the wet part of my trousers to avoid any attention from him. As we arrived at the church, my heart sank in guilt. Was this really what I wanted? I mean I am not as pure as I should be to become an altar boy. I kept remembering all the times I had promised myself I would stop, all the nights I had prayed for strength, but nothing seemed to work. Nevertheless, I could not back out now. My uncle had made so many arrangements and I did not want to disappoint him after everything he had done for me.

A wave of realization hit me when my uncle waved goodbye to me. I was gonna be living in a church. My life was going to be completely different from before. No more hiding in my room, no more late nights feeling empty and ashamed afterward. At least that is what I kept telling myself as I stood there looking at the big building in front of me.

I stepped into the church's building, memorizing every design on the walls and every word engraved on each of them. The place felt so holy and peaceful, with the soft light from the candles and the smell of incense hanging in the air. It made me feel even smaller than I already did. I wondered if the walls could somehow sense how dirty I felt inside, if they knew all the thoughts I had been carrying with me.

The walk to Father Rex's office was filled with tension. I was about to finalize my acceptance and confirmation. Maybe it was just a little bit of nervousness but I just could not keep calm. My palms were sweaty and my stomach kept turning. I kept thinking about what would happen if he could see through me, if he would know right away that I was not the pure boy I was pretending to be.

Just as I was about to enter, the door opened. A guy my age walked out of the office. He barely spared me a look. He just scurried away immediately, his head down and his steps quick like he was escaping something. I wondered what had happened in there with him, if he felt the same mix of fear and relief that I was feeling right now.

My eyes darted to Father Rex's seat. He looked tired, with his garments buttons undone.

"Luca, my boy, prayer night huh?"

His voice was deep and echoic.

"Yes Father."

"Alright shut the door. Let's start."

I did as he said and walked towards the wooden sculpted chair in front of him, then proceeded to sit. The chair felt cold against my back and I shifted a little, still very aware of the mess in my clothes from earlier.

"Stretch your hands into mine."

He said as he offered me his palms, gripping mine tightly the moment I placed it in his. His hands were big and warm, and the grip felt strong, like he was not going to let go easily.

"Speak." He spat out one word.

I had already been given a guideline on how straightforward this session was supposed to be so I followed suit.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned and may not be worthy enough."

"Specify your sins son."

"I have lied, stolen, cursed and..." I paused immediately, feeling ashamed. The words about the other things I had done felt too heavy to say out loud in this holy place.

"Why did you stop Luca? Do not leave out anything." He stood up as he placed his hands on my right shoulder.

"You are safe here. You were about to say impure thoughts, were you not?"

My face flushed, but I nodded slowly.

"Well I have something to assure you. Most boys have struggled with that, and I always forgive. I will teach you how to overcome that too."

He rubbed his hands down to my chest as he spoke again, his touch slow and deliberate.

"When was the last time you dealt with something like that?"

"Umm... earlier today. I am sorry father, it was lust."

I bowed my head, filled with so much shame. I could feel my face getting hotter and hotter as I sat there.

"How old are you Luca?" He asked, hands resting on my torso. This was getting uncomfortable. I knew exactly what kind of guidance he was offering now. I should have stopped it, but the thrill and the thoughts from earlier filled my mind with confusion and excitement. Part of me wanted to pull away but another part kept me sitting there, waiting to see what would happen next.

"Father, this is not right," I muttered.

"What is not right?" He asked, feigning blind to what he was doing.

"Touching me like that. It is... it is not okay father." I managed to say quietly but it only seemed like I was inviting him to continue.

"It is okay Luca. This does not mean anything bad."

"But father....." my breath hitched.

"Shh, it is daddy for you now, Luca. You can tell me to stop and I will."

I hesitated, not saying anything or moving. My mind was racing with so many different feelings all at once.

"See? You do like the attention. It is definitely right if you feel this way."

His hands stayed on me as he asked again,

"How old?"

"Hmm... Nineteen father."

"Not father, Luca. I might get mad and punish you if you say that again."

"Okay.... okay daddy."

"Good boy."

He stared deeply into my eyes as he continued speaking about temptation and guidance, watching every expression on my face. His voice was calm and steady, explaining things about sin and how to fight against it, but his touch made everything feel more intense than it should have.

My breath hitched as he kept talking, his words wrapping around me.

"So you struggle with this huh?"

I could not find the right words to answer. If I said no, he would probably not let me go easily. If I said yes, what if he went farther than this kind of talk? The thought made my stomach twist in a strange way.

He did not wait for my response. He raised his garment up slightly.

I could see he was affected too.

"I can see the hunger in your eyes Luca. Get on your knees!”.