After Everything

5 YEARS AGO.

It took 7 seconds for my world to turn upside down. All the memories, smiles, happiness and love gone with the words ‘there’s nothing we can do’. In one hour, I lost the two people in my life that mean everything to me. I’ve seen the same 4 walls for the past week. My older brother, Damien is sleeping on a chair in the corner of the plain, sterile hospital room with my younger sister Tate on his chest.

Meanwhile, I’m bouncing between both mum and dad’s hospital rooms with my older brother Cole. Just waiting. Waiting for changes. Updates. Something to happen. But at this rate, nothing is changing and nothing is happening. Except everything’s changed.

It was only a week ago, everything changed. Yet it felt like yesterday but also like it didn’t even happen. I can’t comprehend it, how could it happen. To us. My family. What did we do to deserve this.

flashback (one week ago)

Since mum and dad were away after being on their annual anniversary trip to London. Damien my older brother by 7 years was making dinner for me, Tate and my other brother Cole. Who is 1 year older than me but was still my best friend and my protector. The TV was silently playing in the background when I heard the faint sound of the doorbell.

“Emmy can you get that for me?” Damien shouts.

“Okay” I yell back as I get up from the couch, phone in hand and walk towards the door.

But as I open the door, even at 15 I knew something was wrong. Standing in front of me was two younger looking police officers. I was shocked. Why were they here. Did something happen in the neighbourhood. I was completely lost in my own thoughts, I didn’t even hear that they had asked me a question.

“Excuse me miss, is the household of Sarah and Michael Fitzgerald?” the shorter one repeats as I look up to him.

“Yes, but I’m only fifteen so let me get my older brother Damien.” I state back.

As I enter the kitchen, leaving the two officers at the door Damien looks at me weirdly. Cole is playing with Tate on the living room floor, with the new toy piano she got for her birthday a few weeks back. Cole looks up at me and I just shrug. As I turn back to Damien, he asks “Who was it sweetie?”

“Um, they seem to be cops and they were asking for mum and dad, so I came to get you.”

“Okay, sweets can you finish setting the table whilst I go see what they want and make sure you three wash your hands.” He tells me. Like he thinks by now at 15 I don’t know what to do before dinner.

I grab the knifes and forks from the drawer, walk over to the table and set them down. Cole and Tate have finished playing on the floor, as we all walk to the bathroom to do as Damien says and wash our hands.

I start to put the soap on Tate’s hands as Cole has her in his arms, since she can’t quite reach the sink just yet, being on 4 years old. But, the keys on the counter start rattling halting my fingers on the pump, as I hear the garage door go up. It is mum and dad. They said they would be home just after dinner. God, I missed them. Damien is running toward the bathroom, he looks like a ghost, being so white in the face.

“Cole grab Tate and Em turn the light off, we need to go” Damien shakily states.

“But why, Damien we were just about to have dinner?” I ask with a laugh, whilst being concerned at the look on his face.

“We can have dinner later, we have to get to the hospital now.”

“Why, what happened at the hospital?” I ask again as Damien wraps his big hands around me, lifting me up into his arms and starts to carry me to the car.

“Um, Damien really. I’m freaking 15. You don’t need to carry me” I whisper as I turn to see the faintest water marks running down his face. So I let him hold me, seeing as he looks like he needs to be close to us all of a sudden.

“Are you alright? Is everything ok? Is it mum and dad? You look like you’re crying”. We finally make it to the garage, Cole has locked Tate in her seatbelt and climbed into the seat across from her. Damien opens the car door to place me inside whilst he answers back.

“It’s alright sweetheart, everything will be okay. We just need to get to the hospital.” he flippantly tells me.

20 minutes later, we arrive at the hospital. I’d been staring out the window the entire time. Halfway through the drive Cole leaned over and grabbed my hand, squeezing it every now and then. Like he knew something I didn’t. I couldn’t help but think, where is mum and dad. They should be home by now. Are we going to get them. But why are we going to a hospital, they should be at the airport.

We all huddle out of the car, walking into the emergency room. The bright white walls hit me along with the smell of hand sanitiser and the hustle of the waiting room. People talking, holding ice-packs to their head. Coughing and sneezing constantly.

We all walk to the front desk, Damien in the front with Tate in his arms asleep after she fell asleep in the car since it’s way past her bedtime. Cole is next to me, as we walk hand in hand, even though we are 15 and 16 in this moment it just feels right, like we both need something to hold onto.

“Hi sir, what can I help you with today?” the tired looking nurse faintly asks my older brother.

“Um, I was told by the police to come here, my parents should be here, Sarah and Michael Fitzgerald?”

“Uh yes, they will be in ICU soon, after they get out of surgery. When they are settled, I’ll page a nurse and they will be down to take you up. Would like me to get you guys anything whilst you wait?” The female nurse asks in a quiet whisper, as if trying to make sure Cole or I didn’t hear, but I did.

“No, we’re ok, thank you.” I hear Damien tell the nurse in response.

“Come on you two, let’s sit down to wait” Damien says turning to us. I sit down next to Damien and Cole sits on the other side of me, Tate is resting on Damien’s chest still not awake yet.

Damien turns to us and with the look of his face I just know something happened to mum and dad. The plane. What happened. Are they ok.

He says “Ok you two, try not to wake Tate but something happened to Mum and Dad. The plane it crashed. They are ok but are unconscious and we have to wait since they were just brought from the plane straight here in an ambulance, Mum is in surgery and Dad is waiting to go into surgery. We will stay here until they are transferred into the ICU, where we will be able to see them but they will be unconscious still and not able to hear or see us. Okay? Why don’t you guys try get some sleep now?”

Resting my head of Damien’s shoulder, he turns and kisses my forehead “It’ll be ok, sweetheart, alright you just need to be strong for mum and dad right now”.

I can’t stop my thoughts, what happens if he’s wrong. He can’t be wrong. They have to be ok. I need them. We need them.

Blinking, I hear the faint noises of people talking, it must be Damien and someone else I can’t recognise. Cole is still next to me but Tate is in his lap as she is awake now. Damien stands up, grabbing Tate from Cole and we get up and follow him down the hall and up the stairs. Toward a big sign that reads ‘ICU - Intensive Care Unit’.

We walk through the doors, greeted with small waves from the nurses at desk in the middle of the room. We are directed toward one room, were I see mum lying there not moving. With tubes and wires attached to her from all different angles, the faint sounds of machines beeping going off in her room. We walk in, since Dad is still in surgery and won’t be coming out for a few hours.

2 days later. We are still in the hospital, nothing has changed, neither of them have woken up. Dad had some more internal bleeding so they had to take him back into surgery. Mum is alright but well she isn’t awake. And the doctors have started saying “there is not much else we can do, we just have to wait to see if they wake up.”

I want to correct them and say “when they wake up.” But every ounce of hope I have is slowly disappearing with every second they haven’t opened their eyes.

I overheard Damien talking outside the room last night with one of the doctors about plans and where to go from here. What does he mean plans? They are going to wake up, right. They can’t leave yet. They need to watch Cole and me graduate, Tate go to school, Damien play in the big leagues. Mum needs to be here, when my period comes or when my first boyfriend breaks up with me. Dad still needs to walk me down the aisle when I find the one. Mum needs to be there when I have kids and can’t get them back to sleep. What about me. Cole. Tate. Damien. They can’t leave, not yet. We still have time, right. Everything is changing. And that’s the thing about change, I hate it.

end of flashback

So that’s brings us to the following morning, the eighth day. The day that the doctors deemed the last day intervention could work. Mum and Dad are not getting better, they’re only getting worse. And we are going to lose both of them. Both of them. Damien, Cole, Tate and me we are going to wake up tomorrow with no parents.

Damien is awake now, along with Tate who is playing with Damien’s necklace. Cole is now back in mum’s room with us after spending the night with dad by himself. Today is the day. We have to say goodbye. Am I ready, heck no. What am I meant to do. We will have to go home and continue on, but how? When they aren’t here.

The doctors are here now and have started speaking very quietly “there is nothing else we can do”. And with those words, everything in my life changes. I feel empty. Broken. Destroyed. They are gone and they aren’t coming back. Tate is only 4, and I’m 15, Cole is 16 and Damien is 22. What are we going to do? We will go home and they won’t be there. Do we go back to school. Damien was about to start his rookie season in the NHL with the New York Islanders, moving away from Willow Falls after spending the last 4 years at Boston University just outside of our hometown on a ice hockey scholarship, where Cole and I both planned to go as well. I guess he will stay here. He can’t leave us now, to look after Tate, when both Cole and I still need to go to high school.

We all start to say our goodbyes, one by one. I’m first with Tate and then Damien and Cole will go last.

“Hi mum, I’m sorry I let you down all those times. I promise to take care of Tate and even Dam and Cole. You always said my smile is the best and on the dark days it helped you, so every day I will smile for you. Why mum. I need you, we need you, Tate needs you. You won’t be here when I need you, I can’t go to Dam when I have my first period and Tate what about her. I love you mum. I still need you, I will need you forever. You can’t go, not yet, please don’t g—” I shakily whisper, tears now a constant flow since this morning. I squeeze Tate’s little body to mine, she doesn’t really know what’s going on. She won’t. I wish that was me. But she also won’t have memories with them. She won’t remember them.

Damien walks in cutting me off. “Emmy, come on sweetheart. it’s time now. Take Tate into the hallway wait with the nurse and I’ll come get you when we’re done. Ok.”

With that I walk out of the room with Tate in my arms. We stand with the lovely female nurse who has been by our side through out this all. Who always brought Tate and me ice cream every night. And made sure we got are favourite cereal in the morning.

I also yelled at her once a few nights back, when things got hard and nothing was improving. I started to panic. My chest tightened. I couldn’t breathe. I started sobbing. I stumbled. And she caught me, we stayed on the floor for what felt like forever until Damien came in picked me up and carried me back to Dad’s room. Where I fell asleep with my head in his lap, as he stroked my head and told me everything is going to be ok.

He comes out to get us now, and we walk back into mum’s room and I now know he lied. Everything is not going to be ok. They are leaving. We won’t see them again.

And just like that, the beeping stops. The screens go black. her chest stops rising, her final breath gone. She is gone. And now we have to say goodbye to Dad, I can’t go through this again in a few minutes. I run out of the room. Leaving my mum who is gone now. My brothers and Tate. I overhear, Damien telling Cole to stay with Tate.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” He comes out of the room, looking down at me. Somehow, I ended up a sobbing mess on the floor.

“I can’t, I just can’t. Why. Damien. Why” I manage to get out in a choked sob.

“Hey, hey listen now, it’s ok.” He gently whispers as he sits down and pulls me into his lap.

“No it’s not. You have to stop lying. Nothing is ok. They are gone.” I start hitting his chest, but he grabs my tiny fists and just wraps me up with his warm arms and I sob into his chest. I wish I could tell you I felt something, like warmth from his arms. But I felt nothing. I’m numb. Lost in a world without my parents, my compass. What are we going to do. I look up at Damien, the man who seemingly knows everything and in this moment his face looks more confused than I’ve ever seen him and I know he doesn’t even know what we are going to do.

It was a struggle. Going home, after saying goodbye to my parents. We have to move on. Life will going on but I can’t. Damien lets Cole and I have the next two weeks off from school. Whilst we figure things out. I haven’t slept. Every time, I try too, my mind flashbacks to being in the hospital. Or better yet, before when everything was fine and they weren’t gone.

I didn’t know what to do. So I let the darkness and silence consume me. I couldn’t change what happened. I tried to move on. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t ok. It would be awhile before everything was. Well at least until, I learnt the art of pretending everything was ok. And trust me, I became so perfect at it, I believed it myself.