Bad to the core

ALICIA

It was a wonderful day. I enjoyed the environment so much that the noise that filled the café didn’t act as a distraction. The breeze that found its way to me whenever the Café’s door opened, the laughter and jokes from a group of high school students that sat at a huge table, the fussing toddler and the two old men that were debating loudly about soccer in the corner didn’t bother me at all —my eyes were fixed on the screen of my laptop, my heart beating fast and loud, it felt like everyone in the café could hear it.

I finally got the email that I waited for weeks to come through. My life was about to change for the better. I couldn’t hide the excitement that I felt, I smiled from ear to ear. I quickly put all my staff that was scattered all over the table inside my side bag, took the last sip of my coffee, and then went back home.

I couldn’t contain my happiness; I swear the people who came across me on my way home thought I was crazy. I was so excited to share the good news with the only person who was important to me—Ms Jones.

When I got home, she was cooking. The aroma was so welcoming. The apartment was cozy, warm, and felt like home. When Ms Jones saw me, she placed the wooden spoon that she was using to stir whatever she was cooking on the small bowl that was on the kitchen counter then gave me a warm embrace, her embrace was screaming

“I missed you”.

Those were the embraces that I got whenever I came back to the apartment.

“Jeez!, I was only gone for an hour!.”

A small chuckle escaped my mouth while trying to pull away from her embrace.

“It felt like eight hours to me.” She whispered.

“You’re being dramatic.” I made my way to the island to grab some grapes to eat while the food was still cooking.

“I have some good news.” Ms Jones became silent for some time; it seemed like she was trying to guess the good news.

“Did they arrest John?.” I wished that was the case. It would make my life much better.

“No, I finally got a job…a good job, actually. It will help me to start my life afresh and create a good life for myself.” Ms. Jones smiled at me—it was clear that she was happy for me. She was the only person that I trusted and cared about me.

“Oh, my baby! I’m so happy for you. You’ve been waiting for this moment for so long.” She gave me another warm hug; it felt exactly like my mom’s hug.

“Thank you, You’re so sweet. I’m going to miss you so much when I’m in Colombia.” Her face completely changed out of nowher. She seemed shocked and afraid.

“Colombia?” Yep!, She was shocked.

“uhm…yes! I told you that I’ve been applying for jobs in different countries, I only…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence. She shook her head in disapproval.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go to Colombia, especially after what you’ve been through.” I knew that she was right and only wanted what was best for me, but it was what I wanted, to start my life afresh in a different country.

“I know that you’re worried about me and want what’s best for me…but a part of me really wants to go to Colombia.” And she gave me that look—the only look that she gave me only when she was suspicious or doubting something.

“You want to go to Colombia just for work, or this whole thing is about that guy, what’s his name again? Jason!, is this about him?”

Both.

I wanted to get the hell out of New York City and maybe to confront Jason.

I didn’t say anything. My silence was loud enough and gave Ms Jones the answer that she already knew.

“He’s not worth it, trust me. He abandoned you and treated you like some trash, and you’re willing to throw your entire life away and relocate just for him? Have you been talking to him?”. A sigh escaped my mouth, although I wanted it to be silent. “It’s not about him, I want nothing to do with him. I just want to relocate and forget about the past. Besides, even if I wanted to see him, I wouldn’t because he has a high profile. He’s in the past, I just want to forget about him.”

Lies.

Everything that I had said was a huge lie.

Everything was about him.

I knew that the chances of meeting or communicating with Jason were close to zero, but a part of me wanted to meet him and confront him for abandoning me and get some closure, but the other part of me despised him and wanted nothing to do with him. I hated him so much. I didn’t want to leave Ms. Jones behind; she was so important to me even though we were not related. She was the only person who had my back all the time—she saved me from getting raped by my cousin, took me in, and treated me like her own daughter. Her approval was so important to me, but I had to consider my happiness as well.

I knew that I wouldn’t be able to move on with my life while still being in New York City, I wouldn’t be able to erase all the bad memories—from losing both my parents the same night in a car accident on their way to celebrate their 20th anniversary, to losing everything that belonged to my parents two days after their funeral, being homeless for about a month and failing to prove to the judge that my aunt forged the will that she used to take all my inheritance. It was way too much, and I wanted to put it all in the past.

New York wasn’t the place for me if I wanted to get healing. Being in a different country would play a huge role on my journey to healing and starting over.

“You’re an adult now, and you can make your own choices, I just hope you’re not making any mistakes. It will be hard to live by myself without you here. You know how much I love you, and you made it possible for me to know how it feels like to have a daughter.”

I felt so guilty. It felt like I was disobeying and betraying her. I had to listen to her and be a good daughter to her, she was the best person—she came to my life when I had no one and was broken, she placed all the broken pieces back together and made me see the purpose of living again.

“I am your daughter, and I love you so much. Going to Colombia doesn’t mean that I’m leaving you for good. You will always be in my life…I just need to do this for now, I strongly believe that it will help me to refresh my mind and find healing. Besides, I’m not safe here, John escaped from prison, and who knows what he’s going to do if he finds me?”. My life was a mess.

“I understand. Just promise that you’ll call every day.” I finally saw a smile on her face.

“I promise."

_______________________________

Two weeks went by very fast, and two weeks felt like two days. In the blink of an eye, it was time for me to go to Colombia. I thought I was ready for whatever that was on the other part of the world, but I had no idea what was waiting for me.

I was never ready for it.