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Borrowed Light for My Youth
Borrowed Light for My Youth
ผู้แต่ง: When Snow Comes

Chapter 1

ผู้เขียน: When Snow Comes
When I got back to my seat, Lena was talking to the girl next to her.

She looked up and talked to me like she always did.

"Where are your glasses?"

I rubbed my eyes. They were dry and stinging from the sun.

"Lost them."

She sighed and pulled the curtain shut beside me.

"I'll walk you home tonight."

For a second I let myself believe the thing I'd heard on picture day had been my imagination after all.

After school, somebody came and pulled her away.

She told me to wait for her in the classroom.

So I waited.

Two hours.

I wanted to call her, but my phone had died.

Finally a teacher passed by and spotted me.

"Owen? Why aren't you home yet?"

She knew my eyes were bad and offered to drive me.

I said no.

I didn't want Lena coming back and not finding me.

When she saw my phone was dead, she called Lena for me.

Twenty minutes later, Lena appeared in the doorway, out of breath.

"I texted you. I told you to go on ahead."

"I didn't see it."

I held up the phone, useless in my hand.

"It died."

She looked at me for a long moment. Something complicated moved across her face.

In the end she said none of it.

"Let's go."

She barely spoke the whole way.

She spent most of it answering messages.

There was a scent on her, something green and faintly bitter, like crushed herbs.

It hadn't been there earlier in the day.

Where had she been?

When we got to the front of my building, somebody called her name.

A few people were standing by the entrance. I couldn't make out their faces.

But the same scent came off one of them.

Lena took a few quick steps toward them. I stayed where I was.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"The place we're going is right around the corner. We came to grab you."

The voice was low and clean, and I knew it. I'd heard it over the morning announcements all year.

Grant Hale. The guy half the school had a thing for.

"Okay. Give me a second. I'm walking him in."

One of the boys made an impatient sound.

"Seriously? You're already at his building. He needs an escort from here?"

One of Lena's friends jumped in to explain.

"Owen can't see well after dark."

The boy clicked his tongue.

"He looks fine the rest of the time. Who knows if any of it's real?

"It's Grant's birthday and she still has to make a whole trip out of this. I think he does it on purpose. Way to kill the mood."

I stood there with my hands closed into fists and nowhere to put them.

When Lena came back over, I kept my voice down.

"Go with them. I can get myself in."

She hesitated.

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

I turned and went inside.

Their voices carried after me.

"Hey, Lena. Aren't you going to tuck your invalid boyfriend in?"

"He's my friend. Don't be disgusting."

My feet stalled.

In all the years I'd known her, that was the first time she'd ever snapped at anyone about it.

The courtyard paths were well lit.

Even so, the lights only gave me a general sense of which way to go.

I felt my way forward. Something was closing around my chest.

She'd never bothered correcting people before, because it hadn't mattered to her.

Now it mattered.

Because of Grant?

My leg caught on something and I went down hard.

My palm lit up with pain, and for a second I just sat there, lost.

She hadn't always been like this.

We used to live across the hall from each other.

She held my hand on the way to school and on the way home.

She asked the teacher to put us at the same desk.

When other kids made fun of my eyes, she got in front of me.

When had I started being a chore?

"Owen!"

Fast footsteps behind me.

Lena hauled me up off the ground.

"This is what you meant by 'I'm sure'?"

Her voice was sharp.

But her hands were careful, checking me over for anything broken.

Then she took hold of me and walked me home, the way she used to.

The small flame in my chest caught again.

Lena still cared.

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  • Borrowed Light for My Youth   Chapter 9

    "Owen. Long time."It caught me off guard, Grant coming over to talk to me.He didn't dance around it."I used to like Lena. You knew that, right?"I nodded.I'd first heard it from one of Lena's friends, back at that get-together in the spring."But I gave up on it. You know why?"He didn't wait for an answer."Because everything she felt ran through you. All of it."Happy, nervous, frustrated, scared. Every bit of it was about you. Even then I could see there was no room left for me in there."And I wasn't going to force my way in. So I stopped."I didn't know why he was telling me any of this.He got to it soon enough."People have been saying you and Lena aren't close anymore."I don't know what happened between you. But I was worried I might have had a hand in it, so I wanted to clear one thing up."Lena and I never even had a real conversation about it. There was never anything between us."Then his tone got serious."And the record."I didn't know it came from

  • Borrowed Light for My Youth   Chapter 8

    I thought about being small.My parents told me over and over not to stay out in hard sunlight, and I never listened, because the other kids were outside and I wanted to be outside with them.I only ever got scared once the glare got so bad I couldn't hold my eyes open.Then Lena would take my hand and stay right there next to me.One of those days I said it to her."When we grow up, will you be my other pair of eyes?"And for years, she actually was.The little girl from back then and the woman across the table slowly became the same person.I wanted to say something. I didn't know what.I understood her now.Understanding didn't undo any of it.After a long silence, I looked at her."Lena, it already happened. Regretting it doesn't move it."Look forward."I picked up the drinks and stood.She followed me out the door.Her voice was careful."Owen, will you ever forgive me?"I kept my back to her."I don't know. Right now I can't."I understand why you felt trappe

  • Borrowed Light for My Youth   Chapter 7

    The light was bad, but I could see her eyes were red.I didn't understand her.I still remembered every minute of the get-together that spring, as clearly as the day it happened.So what was she doing now, standing there like this?"Lena, you're the one who told me to let you go."And I thought about it. You were right. I shouldn't have been holding you up."She took two fast steps toward me."No. I've regretted that night ever since. I said terrible things to you and I didn't mean any of them."I wanted to apologize a long time ago, but you'd blocked me."I figured I'd do it in person when school started. Then I went to your house and your mom said you'd already left for Lakeview."There was hurt in her voice, and something like begging."Owen, can you forgive me?"Don't be this hard on me.""Hard on you?"For a second I honestly didn't follow.I could still hear what she'd said outside that room.I could still feel the way she'd run hot and cold on me for a year.And

  • Borrowed Light for My Youth   Chapter 6

    Lakeview was only about three hours from home.If anything ever really went wrong, my aunt lived nearby.Most of the time I stayed in the dorms. Some weekends I went to her place. On the long breaks I went home.Outside of class, I joined a couple of clubs.That was where I found people who cared about the same things I did.I stopped hiding the problem with my eyes, and I stopped pretending I could do things I couldn't.After enough trying, I found out something that surprised me.There was a lot I could do perfectly well on my own.Over winter and summer breaks I picked up part-time work sometimes.More often I traveled with my parents.By the time graduation was coming up, I realized I hadn't seen Lena in almost two years.That summer my family planned a long road trip through the Rockies.A few days before we left, my mother called."Owen, about the trip. The Morrises are coming with us."I was quiet for a few seconds."Why didn't you tell me sooner?"She sounded ca

  • Borrowed Light for My Youth   Chapter 5

    My leaving gave Lena the easiest summer she'd had in years.And something in her still went hollow.She'd been planning to use the start of college to patch things up between us.She hadn't counted on me just being gone."How could he..."We agreed. We were going to Westbridge together."She said it half to herself, then looked at my mother with no idea what to do with her face.My mother was surprised."I thought he'd already talked it over with you."Lena shook her head without knowing she was doing it.She'd gone white.My mother thought back to what I'd said in the car, and she could guess most of the rest.She sighed."Lena, all these years of looking after Owen. It must have been so hard on you."His eyes have been bad since he was small, so of course I worried about him."And because the two of you grew up together, we got in the habit of handing him to you. I put my own responsibility on your shoulders without ever saying so out loud."It wasn't until Owen said

  • Borrowed Light for My Youth   Chapter 4

    The table exploded.I sat very still with my hands locked together under it.I didn't want to put her on the spot. I was about to say something when she answered first.Her face was flat. Her voice came out cold."Don't start. Our families are close."His eyes are bad, and my parents told me to look out for him."It came out light.It landed on my chest like a block of ice.Everything I'd been carrying around in secret, everything I'd let myself hope for.Start to finish, I'd been the only one in it.I couldn't sit there. I got up and went to the restroom and stayed until I had my face under control.Coming back, I heard voices in the hallway outside the other one."Lena, you're glued to Owen every single day. How are you ever supposed to get a boyfriend?"He can barely see, he needs you babysitting him around the clock. Are you honestly signing up for that for life?"Grant is obviously into you. If you lose a shot like that over some charity case, you're going to be cryi

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