CHAPTER 1

My hands slowly brush through my hair with a comb, my gaze is fixed on the mirror as I try my best to look beautiful which is almost impossible these days. I hardly feel beautiful these days no matter how much I tried, I wake up feeling ugly with a lot of self hate everyday. My once-beautiful smile has all but vanished, replaced by one I wear out of necessity.

I'm going for another embryo transfer appointment today and I should probably smile with hope but I can't, I dare not be hopeful again, not after many of it has been crushed into pieces everytime. I dare not have expectations so now I just try to keep my mind neutral and pretend that I don't care whatever happens, that way my hurt has been greatly reduced.

Just this year, I’ve lost eleven embryos, and today I face the final one—a fragile last hope. The thought of losing it too alone is crushing so I quickly shake it off my mind before I tear up.

I quickly blinked back the small tears forming in my eyes as I blow dry the fluid, I can't ruin the make up I just started. After I stabilized my mood I continued from where I stopped. I painted strength over my face, one layer at a time, concealer for the grief, gloss for the lies.

When I was finally satisfied with my look I packed my hair in a neat bun and started doing my edges. As much as I'm really pitiful I don't like looking like my problem so this way no one would see the need to feel sorry for me for any reason. Moreover I still need to look vibrant for my husband.

Few minutes later I was done and packed my bag and headed downstairs for breakfast which I had woken up earlier to prepare. I met Charles at the table eating already, I quietly joined him and dished out a portion of the porridge for myself.

" Today is our last IVF appointment for this current set of embryos." I broke the silence halfway through the meal.

" Yeah you told me." he replied dapping his lips with a tissue, he was done eating.

" I'm going for it after work." I informed him and he nodded, nothing else. He picked up his suitcase and left.

My heart sank as he closed the door behind him, through the window I watched him drive off without looking back. This has been us for almost 2 years now, we are now practically roommates and I desperately wish for this to end. Only if I can conceive and give him even if it's one child.

I cleared the table, did the dishes and set off too. Charles and I work in the same place, our fashion company which I created. It is the only thing I can say that I'm proud of myself for, I singlehandedly created the baby from a small designer shop to a big international fashion brand. Charles joined the company after some years of doing white collar jobs which he later realized wasn't meant for him.

I can remember the days we work like a team in love, Charles and I. We would go to work together in the same car and work in the same office while being literally attached to each other all day. These days we are more like just co-proprietors running a business together, it's not hidden and all our employees knows the situation which is really embarrassing sometimes.

The traffic is heavy as usual and I could only sigh all through, parents are taking their children to school and the rest are rushing to work so a heavy traffic in the morning is not an unexpected occurrence.

The vibration from my phone nearly made me sigh until I saw the caller's name.

" Hey girl! " Lia's energetic voiced seeped from the phone making my face light up.

" Hey bitch! How are you doing this morning?" I asked while smiling.

" Surviving, that's how I'm doing. I'm literally just holding up so that I don't faint, work has been hectic for days now and I still have a long list today." she complained

Lia is a plastic surgeon and very good at her job so what was she expecting before?

" Sorry my love, please make sure to eat and stay hydrated so you don't faint we wouldn't want that. " I teased.

" Sure I will, now that reminds me why I called, babe I don't think I can make it to your hospital appointment today. I really wanted to be there for you for emotional support but I'm choked with work. " she explained and immediately my smile dropped. Lia has been the one accompanying me to my doctor's appointment for a while now and suddenly hearing that she won't make it today sort of dispirited me.

" I hope you won't feel so lonely and... " she

" No, it's fine Lia. I understand and you don't need to apologize, you have always been here for me so I understand. I will just go alone" I hurriedly assured her,

" So Charles is still not going with you? What kind of a man is that? It's not like you are not trying, why is he acting so heartless and childish?" Lia blasted through the phone.

" Lia you know what, let's talk later, I'm driving." I quickly ended the call and focused on the road.

Lia is an amazing friend but the only issue we have is her dislike for Charles, this is the reason I don't bring up Charles cold behaviors in front of her. She would usually flare up and start putting thoughts in my head, words which I can't afford to head to unless I will loose my home.

I guess Lia will only understand the real concept of marriage and compromises when she gets into it too.

I would have asked Kelly to accompany me but I'm not always so comfortable around her in cases like this, she is not much of an empathetic person. She is too detached, too mechanical. It really looks like I have no much options except to go alone.

The day went by in a blur, I went from meeting to meeting untill evening. I was nearly late for my appointment.

At the hospital entrance I stood in deep thoughts for a moment, contemplating it all these is even worth? I go through this every time and there nothing to show for it. I stalled for a moment before biting back the tears as I strolled inside the building.

" Hi, is doc Ruben around? I have an appointment with him this evening, help me inform him that I'm here." I told the nurse at the front counter, she excused herself and came back after a moment to tell me that Doc Ruben would be with me in the next few minutes. She offered me a seat and went back to her work.

“I feel guilty... it’s time I tell you the truth,” the nurse said suddenly, startling me.

My breath caught, the room shrinking.

“It’s about your husband. And the fertility issues. You deserve to know.”

I felt the air grow thick, torn between chasing her words and rebuking her for mentioning my infertility issues and my husband in one sentence.

“Will you believe me if I tell you what I know?”

Her eyes were full of pity, and her voice trembled as she looked around in panic, almost like looking out to ensure no one heard her.

My heart began a violent drumbeat against my ribs.