LOGINCHAPTER 112JULIAIt starts with a door handle.I'm half asleep, reaching for the handle of Sebastian's bedroom door in the early morning dark. My hand closes around the handle. I push, and the door opens so fast it hits the wall.I stand in the doorway, heart pounding.I look at the door, then at my hand.The handle is slightly bent.I don't tell them immediately.I go back to my room. I sit on the edge of my bed, my whole body trembling from what just happened.The strength is strange, and I do not understand it, so I find the twins.Sebastian's face when I show him the handle does something complicated, pride and fear arriving simultaneously. He looks at it for a long moment. Then he looks at Silas."Come on," He urges."Where?” I ask, chewing on my bottom lip."Outside," he says. "Come on."The woods behind the house are different at six in the morning.I've been in them before, walked through them with Bree, once, in the early weeks when everything was still new, and I was still
CHAPTER 111JULIAThey're in Sebastian's room.Sebastian is at his desk, not doing anything. Silas is on the floor with his back against the bed, forearms on his knees, looking at nothing.They look up when I come in.I close the door behind me."Tell me about your father," I say.Sebastian starts.He talks about growing up.The way their father moved through a room and how the room changed when he entered it. The particular quality of his approval, which was rare and conditional and designed, Sebastian understands now, to keep them reaching. The disapproval, which was quieter and more total and which both of them spent years trying to outrun without knowing they were running.Then Silas takes it.He talks about their mother.He talks about the night the fire came, the night she died’She was alive. She had been alive the whole time. She was being kept alive in the specific way that is designed to be a leash, present enough to be used, isolated enough to be controlled, loving her sons
CHAPTER 110JULIAShe sits down when she sees my face.She pulls the chair around, sits and folds her hands on the table and looks at me with those red-rimmed eyes and waits.I put my phone between us.The cracked screen. The photographs. I open the folder, and I lay it there, and I watch her look at it.She looks for a long time.The kitchen is very quiet. The refrigerator hums. Outside, the street does its ordinary evening thing. In here, it's just the two of us and the thesis photographs and eighteen years of careful omission arranged on the table between us.She doesn't touch the phone."How much do you already know?" she says.Not what is this, or where did you get these? Not an attempt at the exit. She goes straight to the real question, which tells me something: she's been preparing for this conversation, maybe for years, certainly for the weeks since she saw me in the kitchen with the kettle and the face I thought was blank.She knew I'd seen it.Of course, she knew."Tell me
CHAPTER 109JULIAI make it to the bottom of the stairs before it hits me.Six feet.I don't move.It starts in my chest.The thing that has been building since before the field, since before the bonfire, since before Alicia's message and the argument and the cabin and all the carefully managed months preceding all of it. The thing that has been accumulating in that filing cabinet I've been pressing shut for so long, the hinges are broken.It isn't about the twins.That's the thing I need to be precise about, standing here on the last step with my hand on the bannister, this is not about Sebastian going still in the kitchen or Silas reading my phone or either of them standing in a hallway full of things they hadn't told me. I've moved through that. I understand that. I can hold their fear for me and their poor execution of it and still love them without contradiction.This is older than they are.This is about being eighteen years old and finding out that the story of your own life wa
CHAPTER 108JULIABree arrives like she always does, no announcement, no ceremony, just suddenly there, filling the doorway with her yellow coat and her too-large bag and the specific energy of someone who has been held back longer than they could stand and has finally been given permission to move.She crosses the room in four steps and wraps both arms around me.I let her.I close my eyes and let Bree hold me the way she's been holding me since we were thirteen and the world kept being larger and worse than expected, and I feel the specific safety of being known by someone who has known you long enough that the knowing is in their hands, in the particular way they hold on.She pulls back.She puts both hands on my face and reads it the way she always reads it."You look terrible," she says."I know.""You also look different.""I know."She drops her hands. Her eyes are very bright and very steady, and there's something in them she's been carrying. I can see the shape of it now that
CHAPTER 107JULIA – POINT OF VIEWThey tell me everything and more, then I say, "I need an hour," They look at each other, and they go. The door closes. Their footsteps down the hall.I listen until I can't hear them anymore.Then I lie back on the bed and stare at the ceiling and let myself be alone with it.I start with the inventory because that's what I do. I think about the thesis. My mother was sitting in that study writing about her own daughter in academic language because the academic language was the only way she could bear to look directly at it.I think about what it means that she knew.I set that down for now. The smell thing is the one that embarrasses me the most.I know their smell, both of them, specifically, individually, I could find either of them in a dark building, and I don't say this as hyperbole, I say it as a thing I've quietly known for weeks and refused to examine. Sebastian smells like woodsmoke and something darker underneath, cedar maybe, something th
CHAPTER 106JULIA – POINT OF VIEWThey don't tell it cleanly.I don't think they could, even if they tried. So it comes out the way real things come out, in pieces, in the wrong order sometimes, one of them saying something and the other one going quiet because the something landed somewhere person
CHAPTER 105JULIASebastian can't sit down.Silas is beside me on the bed.I am very still.Sebastian stops pacing.He stands at the foot of the bed and looks at me, and the look on his face is the one I've never had a name for, the one that holds too many things at once, and he opens his mouth and
CHAPTER 104JULIAThe first two days are the bad ones.I know this because Bree tells me, on the third day, that the first two were bad, and I believe her because I don't remember them clearly enough to argue. What I have from those two days is fragments. The ceiling of my bedroom. The specific wei
CHAPTER 103SILASThe wall doesn't break when I put my fist through it.I want it to. I want something to break, something outside of me, something I can point to and say there, that's what this feels like, that's the shape of it. I pull my hand back. Dust on my knuckles. A jagged hole at chest he







