5

"You're leaving?" Kael's voice stopped me before I could reach the front door, and I turned around slowly, already bracing myself.

He stood at the bottom of the staircase in a dark shirt and trousers, hair still mussed from sleep, and for one terrifying second I thought he already knew everything. Then his eyes dropped to my handbag instead of my face, and I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"Where are you going so early?" he asked.

"Shopping," I said.

"At this hour? It's barely eight," he said.

"Some of us enjoy being productive," I said.

"Since when?" he asked.

"Since today," I said.

"That's not an answer, that's a dodge," he said. "You know I can tell the difference."

"Can you?" I said. "Because from where I'm standing it just sounds like you're annoyed I'm leaving the house without a full itinerary."

"I'm not annoyed. I'm curious," he said.

"You're never just curious, Kael," I said.

"Fine. I'm suspicious. Better?" he said.

"Not really, no," I said.

"You've been acting strange all week," he said.

"I've always been strange," I said. "You told me that on our third date, actually. Very romantic."

"Not like this. This is a different kind of strange," he said. "You disappear for hours. You flinch when your phone buzzes. You took off the bracelet."

"I forgot to put it back on," I said. "That's not a conspiracy, that's just a Tuesday."

"Everything with you lately feels like a conspiracy," he said.

"Maybe that says more about you than me," he said.

"Maybe," he said. "Or maybe I know you well enough to notice when you're somewhere else even when you're standing right in front of me."

"That's unfair," I said.

"Is it?" he said. "Tell me I'm wrong."

"I told you I need space," I said.

"I remember. I gave you space. I'm still giving it to you," he said. "I just also happen to live here, Serena, so occasionally I notice things."

"I'm not asking you to stop noticing things," I said. "I'm asking you to stop interrogating me about every single one of them."

"I'm not interrogating you," he said. "I'm having a conversation with my mate, which I was under the impression was allowed."

"It is allowed," I said. "It's just — it feels like more than that sometimes. It feels like you're waiting for me to slip up."

"Maybe I'm scared you already have," he said.

"That's a horrible thing to say to someone right before they walk out the door," I said.

"Then don't walk out the door," he said.

"That's not how this works and you know it," I said. "You don't get to guilt me into staying home."

"I'm not trying to guilt you," he said. "I'm telling you how I feel. You're the one who's always saying I should do that more."

"There's a difference between telling me how you feel and using how you feel as a leash," I said.

"That's not what I'm doing," he said.

"Isn't it?" I said.

"No," he said. "If I wanted to keep you home, Serena, I could. I'm not doing that. I'm standing here asking you to tell me the truth, and you're giving me a grocery list of errands instead."

"Because the truth is boring, Kael. I'm going shopping. That's it."

"Then why do you look like you're about to be sick every time I ask you about it?"

"Maybe because you're interrogating me at eight in the morning before I've had coffee."

"Do you ever get tired," I asked, "of loving me this much?"

"No," he said.

"Not even a little? Not even on the bad days?" I asked.

"Especially not on the bad days," he said. "That's usually when it matters most."

"That sounds exhausting," I said.

"It is," he said. "I don't recommend it. I don't know how to love you halfway, Serena. I've tried. It doesn't work. Believe me, I've run the experiment."

"When?" I asked.

"The week you went to your mother's and didn't call for four days," he said. "I tried very hard to be normal about it. I failed spectacularly."

"I remember that week," I said. "You left me eleven voicemails."

"Twelve," he said.

"You counted?"

"I regretted every one of them individually," he said. "But yes, I counted."

"You sounded unhinged in at least four of them," I said.

"I'm told that by everyone who's heard them," he said. "I stand by all twelve."

"You sounded like a man in love who also happened to be losing his mind a little," I said.

"Same thing, generally," he said. "Come back early."

"I will," I said.

"And call me. Actually call me, not text me one word like I'm a delivery service," he said.

"I will," I said.

"You promise?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, and he kissed my forehead before stepping aside and letting me walk out the door. The moment it clicked shut behind me, my smile fell away completely. I had lied to him again, and this time it sat heavier than any of the others.

I drove thirty minutes to a small café at the edge of town, and Adrian was already waiting when I got there.

"You're late," he said.

"I'm early, actually," I said.

"You're late for someone who used to be early for everything," he said.

"People change, Adrian," I said.

"Not you," he said. "You're stubborn in exactly the same ways you always were. You still bite your thumbnail when you're nervous. You've done it twice since you sat down."

"I don't have a thumbnail-biting problem," I said.

"You have a Serena-lying-to-herself problem, which manifests as a thumbnail-biting problem," he said.

"That's very poetic for a man in a five-thousand-dollar suit," I said.

"I contain multitudes," he said.

"You always did think that line was more charming than it is," I said.

"You always laughed anyway," he said.

"I laughed out of pity."

"You laughed because you meant it, and we both know that," he said. "I needed to talk," I said. "About us."

"There is no us," he said.

"That's what I keep telling myself," I said. "It's not working particularly well."

"Then stop telling yourself lies and tell me the truth instead," he said.

"The truth is I'm with Kael," I said. "The truth is he's my mate. The truth is I shouldn't be sitting across from you right now drinking coffee I don't even want."

"Then why are you?" he asked.

"Because apparently some part of me never actually got over you, and I resent that part of me enormously," I said.

"Only some part?" he asked.

"Don't push it," I said.

"I've never stopped thinking about you, Serena," he said. "Not once. Not for one single day in six years."

"You left," I said.

"I had no choice," he said.

"Everyone always says that like it means something," I said. "It doesn't. People always have a choice, Adrian, they just don't like the one available to them."

"Fine. I chose wrong," he said. "I've spent six years trying to fix it."

"You can't fix six years by showing up in a café and telling me I still bite my thumbnail," I said.

"No," he said, "but it's a start. What would fixing it even look like to you?"

"I don't know. Maybe there isn't a version of it that gets fixed. Maybe some things just stay broken and you learn to live around the crack."

"That's a very sad way to live," he said.

"It's also the honest one," I said.

We left separately. My phone buzzed before I'd even started the engine. Kael: Are you okay? You've been gone for hours. I typed back Shopping took longer than expected. Another message lit up before I'd pulled out of the lot. Adrian: I meant what I said. I want you. I stared at it a long moment before I locked the phone and drove home in silence.

Kael was waiting in the driveway, arms crossed.

"You're late," he said.

"By like twenty minutes," I said.

"You said you'd call. You didn't call," he said.

"I know, I forgot, I'm sorry," I said.

"You don't forget things, Serena," he said. "You're the most organized person I've ever met. You alphabetize the spice rack."

"Maybe I'm allowed one off day," I said.

"One off day where you disappear for hours and don't answer your phone and come home smelling like—" he stopped.

"Smelling like what, Kael?" I asked.

"Nothing. Forget it," he said.

"No, finish the sentence," I said.

"I said forget it," he said.

"You can't just start an accusation and then walk it back because you got scared of how it sounded out loud," I said.

"I'm not accusing you of anything," he said. "I'm telling you what my wolf noticed, which is a completely different thing, and frankly one I wish I could turn off sometimes."

"That must be so hard for you," I said, "having a sense of smell that occasionally tells you the truth."

"Don't do that," he said.

"Do what?" I asked.

"Twist it around so I'm the villain for noticing something's wrong," he said.

"I am my own person, Kael," I said. "I don't answer to your nose."

"I never said you did," he said.

"You didn't have to," I said.

"You know what the worst part of this is?" he said. "It's not even the not-knowing. It's that I'm standing here trying so hard not to demand an answer, because I promised myself I'd trust you, and every second you don't say anything makes that promise harder to keep."

"Then don't make me the reason you break a promise to yourself," I said.

"I'm trying not to," he said. "You're right. I don't own you. I don't want to own you. But sometimes my wolf forgets that distinction, and I hate what that turns me into."

"Kael—" I started.

"I need a minute," he said, and turned, and I caught his hand before he could get far.

"I'm sorry," I said. "For making you feel like you're not enough."

"You don't have to apologize for how you feel," he said.

"Then don't shut me out," I said.

"Come inside," he said, and touched my waist. Then his eyes dropped to my wrist. "Where's your bracelet?" he asked.

"I— I must have left it upstairs," I said.

"You always wear it. Every day," he said. "You've never once left it upstairs."

"Well, today I did," I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I wanted a break from wearing jewelry, Kael," I said. "It's not a federal case."

"It's not about the bracelet," he said. "It's about the fact that you can't look at me while you explain it."

"I'm looking at you right now," I said.

"You're looking at my chin," he said. "There's a difference."

He walked past me into the house. I stood frozen in the driveway, thinking about the other bracelet sitting inside my bag, and my stomach turned violently enough that I barely made it to the bathroom sink before I gagged.

"What is happening to me?" I whispered to the mirror.

The door opened behind me. "Serena?" Kael said.

"I'm fine," I said.

"You don't look fine," he said. "You look like you're about to fall over."

"I'm just tired," I said.

"You're shaking," he said.

"Let me take care of you," he said, and pulled me gently against his chest.

Then my phone buzzed inside my bag. Kael went completely still. We both heard it. He reached for it slowly.

"Don't," I said, and grabbed it first.

"Kael, it isn't what you think," I said.

"Then tell me what it is," he said.

"I can't," I said.

"For the first time," he said quietly, "I'm not going to ask." He held my eyes a moment longer. "Because I'm afraid of what I'll do if you say his name in this house."

He walked out of the bathroom, and the silence he left behind was so much louder than any question could have been.