15~ I CAN’T FIND MYSELF

SAGE

The room was quiet except for the soft hum of the night outside. I sat on the edge of the bed, staring at nothing, my mind a storm that refused to calm down.

My throat ached from forcing words out earlier, my body trembling from everything that had happened.

Another sigh escaped my lips as I recounted my life.

My eyes found the mirror across the room. I stood up slowly, each step toward it feeling heavier than the last. When I reached it, I almost didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me.

Her eyes were red and swollen, rimmed with exhaustion. Her lips trembled, her hair hung loose and messy around her face, and her shoulders slumped forward like she was carrying the weight of the world. I raised a hand to touch the glass, tracing the reflection of my cheek.

“Who are you?” I whispered to myself, my voice hoarse.

Where had the happy girl gone, the one who used to laugh, the one who used to dream about a future, a family, a mate who would love her?

Where had the girl gone who still believed there was goodness in the world? All I could see now was a shadow, a ghost.

My heart squeezed painfully in my chest, as I recalled the lost baby.

“Dispose of her body..” That voice still rings in my head, and the pain of the betrayal eats deep.

How could I be a mother when I couldn’t even recognize myself anymore? How could I bring them into this world into this pack with someone like Knight, who killed without hesitation and claimed me as though I was just another thing he owned?

My knees wobbled, and I grabbed the edge of the dresser to keep from falling.

I had been betrayed, humiliated, and dragged here against my will. My image was tarnished.

My voice, stolen for a while, felt strange when it came out and now my supposed mate terrified me as much as he fascinated me.

The mirror blurred as tears welled up, spilling over silently. I hated that I was crying, hated that I still felt something every time he looked at me.

Would it have been easier if he had just killed me that night?

The thought made my stomach turn, but it wouldn’t leave.

Maybe I wouldn’t have to keep waking up to this reality if I just… stopped.

I sank to the floor, curling my arms around myself. My body shook violently as the sobs tore out of me, soundless and raw. My nails dug into my skin. I didn’t hear the door open at first.

“Hey…” Tracy’s soft voice finally broke through my thoughts but I didn’t move.

She stepped closer, crouching down so she was at my level. “How are you feeling?” she asked gently.

For a moment, I wanted to say “fine” like I always do, but something in me snapped.

“I… I honestly don’t know,” I whispered. The words burned in my throat, but I forced them out anyway.

Tracy’s eyes widened, but she didn’t interrupt.

“I don’t know if I can keep living like this,” I admitted, my voice shaking. “I look at myself, and I don’t see myself anymore. I see someone broken, someone… trapped.”

The tears came harder now, and I pressed my face into my hands.

“I thought things would get better when I found my mate,” I choked out.

“But it feels worse. Everything feels worse. He terrifies me, Tracy. I just don't see myself living anymore in this world.”

Tracy placed a hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently.

The room fell quiet again except for my quiet sobs. Tracy didn’t try to stop me, didn’t tell me it would be okay. She just stayed there, her presence warm beside me.

When the sobs finally slowed, I looked back up at the mirror. My face was blotchy, my eyes puffy, but something in me felt lighter even if just for a moment.

“I don’t know what to do,” I said softly.

Tracy nodded slowly. “Then don’t decide tonight. Just breathe tonight. I don't know what you have been through before but it's enough.”

I wiped my face with the back of my hand, letting out a shaky exhale.

“Rest… then we can figure things out… I promise I will make sure he doesn't come home close to you until you figure things out.” she let out.

Maybe she was right. I just needed to survive tonight first.

Without words I crawled back onto the bed and lay there staring at the ceiling, I knew sleep wouldn’t come easily.

Again I felt her beside me, her hands gently patting my head like she wanted me to sleep.

This is the best feeling I have ever gotten from a lady, I have always been buried seeing a lady act this nice with me looks like a surprise.

Slowly my eyes became drowsy, I didn't fight it. I just wanted to rest, forget everything going on in my life, and hope for a better day tomorrow.