This is who I am

I sit on my bed and watch the doctor and my Mum talking. I can see them, but I can’t hear them. My Mum waves her hands in the air and it looks as if she is yelling at the doctor. I turn away and look through my window, I can’t help but stare. 

“Killian,” my Mum says. I look over. Both her and the doctor were looking at me. 

“Yeah?” I reply. 

“The doctor will like to speak to you alone to discuss next steps. I’ll be outside the room.” She explains. 

My Mum walks out of the room, and the doctor walks over to my bed. I can sense that it would not be pleasant news. I was at the point of not caring anymore. 

“So Killian, let’s tell you what our plans are.” He tells me calmly. 

“You’re past Phase 1, you’re past phase 2, you are now on phase 3.” I can’t help but look at him confused. Has this dude done research on this condition or something? 

“What do you mean by phases?” I question. 

The doctor holds his hand out to one of his goons. They gave him my notes. He licks his finger and begins flicking through them. My notes are thick considering I’ve only been in hospital this once. He stops flicking and runs his finger down a page. 

“Ah here we go,” he says.

“Phase 1 is abnormal behavior. Behaviors such as anger and aggression, which you remember doing.” He continues. 

Well, that sounds right. He’s definitely done his research. 

“Phase 2?” I ask. 

“Phase 2, rage frenzy. Severe aggressive behavior that one does not remember doing.” The doctor explains. 

“Phase 3, rage frenzy, hallucinations and physical appearance. Physical appearance includes bleeding from the eyes, nose, ears, and self-mutilation.” He continues to explain. 

I don’t realize how serious this is, I’m an absolute crazy person. All that I can think about is going home and living a normal life with my family. But by what the doctor has said, I don’t think I will have a normal life anymore. 

“Oh, ok. I just want to know what happens with me now?” I ask. The doctor flicks to the next page of my notes. 

“Of course, Killian. If you feel you want to, you can go home for tonight. The only thing we need to do now after the last incident is keep you here as much as possible.” He says. 

“You can stay home 2 nights a week. We've also organized school travel for you.” He continues. 

“This room will be your bedroom so you can decorate it how you like, as this part of the hospital is the mental health institute.” Yeah, my life is definitely not going to be normal. 

I don’t know how to react to what he is telling me. A part of me wants to rip his head off and a part of me wants to cry. But I can’t cry, I can’t feel that emotion for some reason. So I’m leaning more to, that I will like to rip his head off. I can picture it perfectly. I love the idea of it. I can’t help but smile whilst I think about grabbing a surgical knife, gripping his head and slicing his neck bit by bit. The blood, lots of blood. 

“Killian,” the doctor says. 

“Would you like to go home with your mother today?” he asks. I turn to look at him and continue to smile. 

“Of course I’d love that,” I reply. 

“Great! I’ll call her back through.” He says. 

His two goons walk out the door along with the doctor. I just want out of this place, I can’t stay here. My Mum walks into the room on her own, she looks over to me and gives me a smile. She walks over to my bed. 

“Hey darling, how are you feeling?” she asks. 

“I’m ok.” I reply. 

“Did the talk with the doctor go well?” she asks. 

“Yeah.” I reply. 

“So are you ready to come home for the night? We can have a family night.” She says with an enormous smile on her face. 

I enjoy family nights, take out, drinks, blankets and movies. Nothing is ever better than that. But I don’t feel up to it. 

“Sure. Can we go now?” I ask. 

“Of course darling grab thing’s that you want to bring, make sure you get your medication!” she says. 

I nod and climb off my bed. She passes me my rucksack. I put my blood filled hoodie inside and my medication. I turn to look on the bed and my Mum has brought my navy blue hoodie to go home in. I don’t understand why she is being overly nice. 

“Are you ready?” she asks. 

I nod again, then zip up my rucksack. I grab my hoodie and put it on. I put my spare medication in my hoodie pocket. We walk out of the room, as I walk to the end of the corridor I turn to see my Mum is speaking to my doctor. I watch and see how they’re talking and glancing over at me. They’re planning something and I won’t let this plan happen. I watch patiently, but I can only see my Mum nodding and the doctor talking. 

“Mum!” I shout. She turns and looks at me. She smiles, then nod to the doctor and begins to walk over to me. 

“It’s ok honey I was just getting the information I need from the doctor.” She explains. 

“Like what? Planning on getting me sectioned again?” I yell. 

“No, no, no honey, nothing like that. We were discussing ways to help you whilst your away from here,” she says. 

“What now I’m classed as a psycho?” I continue. 

My Mum looks over at the doctor who isn’t far away watching. Then she looks back at me. 

“You’re not a psycho. Your just ill and it can be fixed.” She explains. 

“You don’t get it do you? Do any of you know what I could be capable of or have you not looked that far into it?” I scream. 

“Kil, we love you and that’s all we need to remind you of.” She says. 

Now I feel sick. Love? That’s really going to fix me, isn’t it? All these people are in a world of their own. They don’t understand. 

“Yeah Mum, sure.” I reply as I open the door. 

We left the mental health institute. I’m starting to fear myself. Something is wrong with me. 

‘Don’t worry Kill, we can fix you up.’ A voice in my head says. We walk out the hospital and into the car park. 

“I’m sure we can fix me up,” I say. 

“Who are you talking to, darling?” my Mum asks. 

“Myself... I am messed up. People always say if you talk to yourself, it’s a sign you’re going crazy.” I explain.