Two

Exelle

"Hey," bungad sakin ni Jules nang makita niya akong pumasok sa entrance ng hall. Jules is my friend, and she's an interior designer.

She was a friend of mine since high school like Sam. And like Sam, alam niya kung ano ang naging masaklap na karanasan ko sa buhay years ago. She still looks the same. Porcelain rosy skin and a perfect slim body. A figure of a real goddess. And she really looks like her mother, Aunt Juliean.

"Aunt Juliean! Oh my God, auntie. I missed you," I greet her with a hug habang inaasar. Bigla naman itong napasimangot saka ako kinurot sa braso kaya napaatras ako nang bahagya habang natawa.

"Ano~huh. Masaya ka? Masaya ka?" Sabi niya sabay kurot ulit sakin. "Kamukha ko lang si mama, pero mas maganda ako dun. Ano? Tatawa ka pa?"

"Baliw," sabi ko nalang ng makalayo ako sa kanya. "Oo, masaya ako. Bakit ba?"

Inirapan niya lang ako kaya napatawa nanaman ako sa kanya dahilan para sumabay siya sa pagtawa sa akin. Ganito lang talaga kasi kaming dalawa noon paman. Acting like a teenager of the old days. Tawa lang tawa, kahit na ang dami naming problema sa buhay.

"Seriously, Xielle, I missed you, damn so much." Sabi nya ulit and this time, she's the one who gave me a hug, "we really thought, you'll never coming back."

I smiled.

It feels great when you know that there are still people who were waiting for you to come back. Kahit na lumipas na ang mga panahon, nandito parin sila at naghihintay sakin. I mentally laugh.

They were my friends anyway, kaya ganito sila sakin. At alam ko, na kahit hindi ko sila kaibigan, they will be always at the corner of the surface to welcome me.

"Tch. Ang drama mo naman Jules. Akala mo naman galing ako sa Pluto at di na makakabalik." Asar ko sa kanya nang umatras siya ng kaunti palayo sakin. Natawa lang ito saka ako hinampas.

"Aray huh. Jules, parang di ka naman nagbago eh. Ang hilig mo paring mangurot at manghamapas. Seriously, Jules." Sabi ko lang sa kanya, "Parang ikaw ata ang galing Pluto eh. Nag-freeze yata yung evolution ng mannerism mo. Hampasera ka parin."

"Baliw ka talaga, Xielle. Wala na sa nine planets ng solar system ang Pluto. Paano pa ako makakabalik kung dun ako galling, di ba? Duh, Xiellenna. Duh," sabi niya sakin sabay wave ng buhok niyang kulay tsokolate.

"Malamang dumating ako para iligtas ka."

A masculine voice of a man suddenly appeared behind us, kaya’t napalingon kaming pareho sa nagmamay-ari ng boses na iyon. I smiled after seeing a figure of a man that I wouldn't imagine to looks the same.

"Nerdy?" I exclaimed with the thought of, me trying to stop and start to laugh. Napangiti ako ng malapad.

"Hon." Narinig kong sabi ni Jules saka ito nilapitan and cling herself to him. They kissed like they forget that I exist just in front them.

Haist. Love birds.

I was grinning from ear-to-ear nang pansinin ulit ako ni Jules.

"Come on Xielle, hindi siya si Nerdy, tsk. Not anymore." Sabi ni Jules and rolled her eyes.

Napatawa na ako ng tuluyan ng irapan niya ulit ako. Sinong mag-aakala na ang dating mortal na magkaaway na daig pa tubig at langis na hindi maipagsama ay isa ng sweet-and-spicy lovers na.

"Well, Xielle. Kung ano mang iniisip mo ngayon, isa lang ang dahilan. It is because of love that keep the two opposite creatures be together." Milo said.

Milo is also a friend of mine. Yun nga lang, siya yung isa sa mga seryosong tao na kakilala ko. From the past, he was a guy who just think of living inside the library. In short, nakafocus lang sya sa pag-aaral. Noon nga lang yun. People changed just like how Milo did.

And like I did.

"Yeah, yeah, fine. Alam ko naman eh. From the start of the war, I know what will happen to the two of you at the end." Natawa akong muli na sinabayan naman ni Milo. Jules is quietly pouting her lips and alternately threw a look at Milo and then me.

"Hoy, Milo, chocolate drink. Bakit ka tumatawa?" Jules nagged, sabay kurot sa tagiliran ni Milo. Umiling lang ang huli and give a kiss on her forehead.

"Oo na, fine. Kayo na ang sweet." Sabi ko saka naupo sa sofa dito sa lobby.

"We're always sweet and sometimes, from time to time, gets sweaty." Sabi ulit ni Milo with a grin on his lips. Hinampas ito sa braso ni Jules kaya’t natawa kaming dalawa maliban sa kanya. The latter blushed and just pursed her lips in silent.

"Lovebirds. Lumipad na kayo papunta rito, para naman matapos na ang kailangan kong tapusin." I said laying my back on the sofa.

Wala pa akong pahinga simula nang dumating ako kanina galing New York. And the encounter I had with him mostly drained my energy for the day. Just thinking about it makes my head ache. Lumapit naman ang dalawa bago ito naupo sa harap ko. Nandito kami ngayon sa lobby ng building ni Jules. And I am here to talk about the renovation of my house, here in the Philippines.

"So, let’s start." She spoke.

***

"This is it. All I have to do is to make it into an old Victorian style, sa loob ng bahay." Jules summarized the whole discussion about the renovation of the house. It will be an old Victorian style of the house. And it’s been what I am planning to do with my house here in the country.

"But are you sure that you want to go back to that house?" Milo suddenly asks me.

His question just gives me a hint of what he meant. Nakita kong bahagya itong siniko ni Jules.

And for the nth time, I forgot what to say next.

I already forgot the past and don’t want to remember what happened from the past. And still, I didn't know that it still has an effect on me. That house may bring back the painful past to me, but I still value it with my life. Ibinigay yun ng lolo ko sakin, sa amin. Though, it holds every piece of memory I have from my life before.

"Of course. Ibinigay sa akin yun ng lolo ko and you know how much I cherished every little things that my lolo gave to me. Alam mo naman kung gaano ko pahalagahan ang mga binibigay sakin ni lolo." I fake a smile.

"You know what I mean, Xielle." Milo said again kaya napaiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya.

He's right about me, knowing what he meant to say. Alam ko ang ibig niyang sabihin, pero ang di ko alam, ay kung bakit kailangan na wala akong maisagot sa mga bagay sa konektado sa kanya. Everything that happened in the past shouldn’t be affecting me and distracting my life once again. At dahil lang yun sa mga alaalang hindi naman kailangan pang matandaan.

I mentally sighed.

And now I just admitted to myself that I am still worried about my past with my ex-husband. Bakit ba kasi ang hirap sabihin ang mga bagay na iyon o aminin sa aking sarili ang katotohanang iyon? I must learn how to say things at ease, hindi yung lagi nalang akong natatahimik.

"Milo." Jules whispers his name trying to stop his next punchline.

"Xielle, alam naming lahat ang mga pinagdaanan mo sa dati mong asawa. But it doesn't mean that you'll be holding onto something that leave you nothing but pain. Ano bang gagawin mo kapag nagkataong nagkita kayo ni--"

I stop him with my words before he could ever pronounce his name. "Nagkita na kami." I said silently.

Napatigil naman silang dalawa na para bang isang kaabang-abang na balita ang sasabihin kong sunod na mga salita. They must be curious about what I have said.

"Y-You? You did?" Parang hindi makapaniwalang tanong sakin ni Jules na tinanguan ko lang. They became quiet all of the sudden after that and became to confuse. "Then what did you do? I mean, what did he do? May sinabi ba siya sayo?" She asked me again, changing her tone into a serious one.

I looked at her into eyes before I answered. Nag-aalangan man akong tandaan ang nangyari kanina ngunit anong pilit kong paglimot sa mga matang nakatitig pabalik sa akin, ay natatandaan ko pa rin. I clearly remembered his hazel eyes.

"I told him that didn't know him, w-when, he," I stop and look away, and then continue, "when he called me by my name. My-My old name."

I sigh and took a deep breath.

Tumayo si Jules mula sa kinatatayuan niya saka pumunta sa akin at niyakap ako. She's trying to confort me because she knows me well. I may be moved on but still, it’s my past and it’s still connected to me.

It’s the first time I saw that man again after seven years of living alone and wandering to work out with myself. Maybe it explained the anonymous feeling that I felt kanina sa airport. Siguro nabigla lang ako, kaya nakaramdam ako ng kaunting kirot sa dibdib ko.

"I am really proud of you, Xielle. Kasi kahit na ang laki ng atraso sayo ni Hans, nagawa mo pa rin siyang patawarin." She said again, that made me stunned for a moment after hearing his name.

Patawarin?

Siguro nga napatawad ko na siya, matagal na. Pero hindi ibig sabihin non, that when it happened, everything will still be the same. I forgave him but everything has change. He's now ex-husband and forgeting him after forgiving him was part of it.

"I didn't cry. Don't worry Jules, because I'll won't. I'll never drop a single tear for him, because I know his not worth it. Matagal na kaming tapos kaya wala na akong dapat pang ikabahala pa." I confidently said na ikinangiti nilang dalawa. I know some part of that confidence was a lie, no doubt that I am still affected with just the mention of his name or just by seeing his presence.

Napahinga akong muli nang malalim.

"Hey, maybe I have to go." Paalala ko sa kanila kaya tumango silang dalawa.

Jules was back at Milo's arms. Kaya mas lalo akong napangiti sa para sa kanilang dalawa. Love can sometimes make things easier, but things that were from the easiest way never last. While sometimes it makes things difficult, but things that were made the difficulties given by love, last longer and strong.

***

When the SUV stop, napatingin ako sa labas ng bintana, at naaninaw ko ang dati naming bahay. Nothing has changed at all. The cream color of the walls is still the same and also the roofs where still painted in old red paint. Kupas na ang pintura nito ngunit malinis ang paligid. Maybe the housekeeper cleaned the whole house after they heard that I am coming home.

"Ipapakuha ko na po ang mga gamit niyo sa mga kasambahay ng bahay, Ma'am Exelle." Sabi bigla ni manong sakin na tinanguan ko lang.

My eyes were still on the house at hindi parin ako nakakababa ng van. I choose to stay in this place at wala akong ibang gagawin kundi baguhin ng tuluyan ang lugar na ito.

I jump off the van and walk through the front door. This place really brings back memories. Every single part of this house.

Nang makapasok ako everything flashed back. From that door to everything inside the house that I am seeing.

***

"You ruined my life, didn't you know that? So, I must ruin yours, too."

He said it loud and clear while his hands were pulling my hair up. He dragged me passed through the front door, inside the house and throw me on the floor. My body hit the floor so bad that it leaves bruises on my skin and hurt my knee, kasi ang tuhod ko ang unang nakatama sa sahig.

I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I felt helpless.

"Damn you bitch! If it wasn't because of that fucKing, rotten paper, I may not have you as my useless wife!"His heavy hand hit my face that let me stumbled to the floor. I try to stand but I can't. Ang sakit-sakit na nang katawan ko. Anytime I will really give up from this, but I still I didn't.

Bakit ba ang tanga ko?

"I hate you! I hoped I didn't meet you before!"

His words keep on repeating inside my head and playing like a music with a bad sound of non-melodic rhythm. It’s bad to listen with, but still, I listen like a crazy hog.

"I curse you to the highest fvcking rate!"

He cursed a lot of times in front of me, I don't want to listen but still I listen. Dahil ganito ko siya kamahal. I'll listen to no one but him.

"I hate you, Xiellenna!"

I love him but he hates me that much. I want to cover my ears with my hands this time, because hearing someone you love saying that he hates you, hurts more than what a punch can give me physically.

I HATE YOU!

***

Napaupo ako ng tuluyan sa ibabaw ng kama, catching my own breath. It feels like I've lost so much oxygen dahilan para hindi ako makahinga kanina. Then I remembered my dreams. I felt blank all of the sudden after I wake up.

What does those dreams mean? I haven't dreamed of it for years and now, it just suddenly appeared out of nowhere inside of my head. I inhaled for some air and look at the window. It’s still dark at umuulan pa. I stand by the bedside, grab my night coat and walk through the door.

Sinilip ko ang daan papuntang hagdan pababa sa sala but it’s too dark because I always turn off the light before I sleep. Let’s just say, ganoon lang ako kaingat sa bahay.

I have this feeling that I am not alone in this house. This is our old house kasama ang dating asawa ko.

Hays.

Just telling myself about me having an ex-husband, gives me goosebumps all over my body. And the feeling of not being alone in this place, gives me nothing but fear. Alam kong mayroong mga maid dito, pero nasa kabilang parte sila ng bahay kung nasan ang kwarto nila.

I don't want to buy a condominium unit kasi nga napakaespesyal ng bahay na to sakin. This house will be renovated sooner and I can't wait for that.

Paano naman kung may nanloob na pala talaga dito and attack me without any noticed?

I sighed and inhale for some air.

Kinapa ko ang switch ng ilaw at ng maabot ko ito, agad ko naman itong binuksan. I sigh when I saw nothing at the staircase. When I felt calm, naglakad ako papunta sa hagdan at nagsimulang bumaba papuntang sala. But all of the sudden, the air becomes heavy.

"Kailan pa may nagparamdam dito?" I ask myself believing with the thought of, there's a ghost in this house. Ang creepy nga eh. O baliw lang talaga ako?

Gosh.

Bakit ba lagi nalang akong ganito kapag nag-iisa ako? I guess I haven't change at all.

"Simula ng bumalik ka."

I froze when I heard a very familiar voice of a man from behind me. A cold toned voice that could always freeze me on my stand. A very familiar voice that I could always heard yelling at my ears everytime, years ago.

This is insane.

Maybe I am just hallucinating, because I am here in this house where everything haven't change at all, seven years that pass. Every corner of this house reminds me of everything.

"Xiellenna." I was stunned at that moment when he calls me by my name.

I breath continuously. Pabilis ng pabilis ang tibok ng puso ko. And without thinking, I look back. Tuluyan na akong napaharap ng makita ko siyang nakatayo na mismo sa harap ko.

I felt my heart stop beating. Everything freezes.

"W-Who, who are you?" Maang-maangan kong tanong sa kanya. He didn't answer me and continue to stare at me. "W-What do you want? H-How did, how did you get inside this house? T-Tell m--"

"Don't act like you didn't know me Xiellenna. This is, I mean, this was the house we used to live in together, seven years ago. I know the passwords of the security locks of the house, because I used to manage this house before. Remember?" He said without taking off his stare on me, so I look away.

This is real.

And I am not dreaming because I know I am freaking awake.

"Hans.” I finally said calling him by his name. Hindi ko parin siya tinititigan dahil mas lalo akong nakakaramdam ng kaba at takot.

I know I'm being paranoid, but I still fear him of hurting me, just like what he did before. But still, inipon ko ulit ang lahat ng confidence ko para harapin siya. Everything that I did to move on will be all useless if I let my emotions run through my veins.

Kapag pinadaloy kong muli ang lahat ng takot at kabang nararamdaman ko, I know na tuluyan akong manghihina.

Yes, I did love him, but it’s been seven years ago since that craziness happened. But now it’s different. I may feel scared and nervous to faced him, but I know that I already moved on. Natatakot na lang talaga ako na baka saktan niya akong muli, at yun lang ang lahat ng iyon.

No other connections attach.

"Get out of here." I whispered but firm.

"And why?" He asks me with his voice that becomes colder and serious

And finally, I confidently face him, showing him how serious I am. "Because you're not welcome here anymore." I said and I thought he'll make a face, but instead, mahigpit niyang hinagip ang kanan kong braso ko at hinila ako sa isang malapit na pader sa aming pwesto. Napadaing ako sa bahagyang sakit sa likod ko ng isandal niya ako sa pader and cornered me with his arms.

All of the sudden, nagflashback ang napanaginipan ko kanina. He can't ever hurt me again because I'll never let him. "Let me go Hans. Umalis ka na dito." Matigas kong sabi sa harap ng pagmumukha niya.

The sudden fear that I felt kanina ay biglang napalitan ng kakaibang galit sa aking dibdib. I'm not planning to take a revenge on him, dahil ang gusto ko lang talaga ay mawala na siya ng tuluyan sa buhay ko, pero hindi iyon nangyayari.

Ngayon, nagagalit ako sa kanya dahil ginagawa niya ngayon. I told myself that I'll never let him touch me, pero nangyari pa rin. "I said leave." I told him again dahil para siyang bingi na hindi ako naririnig.

"NO!" He yelled infront of me, kaya natigilan ako.

"LEAVE!" I yelled back at him.

I don't fear him right now dahil naiinis ako at nagagalit sa kanya. "Umuwi ka na sa inyo Hans." Seryoso kong sabi sa kanya, pero hindi niya ako sinagot dahil nakatitig lang siya sakin. Sa ginagawa niya ngayon, hindi man ako natatakot, nagagalit at kinakabahan naman ako sa kilos niya. "What do you exactly want Hans Kenji Alvez?"

"You. I want you back, former Mrs. Alvez."