EX Wife

Exelle/Xiellenna

My skin looks pale, with bruises covering most of it. My eyes are red swollen as well as my lips, with wounds and dry blood on its corner.

I sighed as I kept my eyes on my reflection.

With a heavy heart, I brought my shivering fingers on my bruised skins and groaned when I felt a sting from the touch. I pursed my lips, silently.

I should have known better and expect more things than this, that things will happen again and might even worsen. Other than being a punching bag of my own husband, I know it might get worsen and might lead me to death, but even my body has its own way of being a numb, ignoring the pain that he's giving to me.

For him, I am a worthless, pathetic, slut, and a good for nothing person. He didn't behave nor even act like a real husband to me. But I didn't gave up on him. I love him more than anything, though I didn't know if it matters to him. Because for me, it all matter.

I loved him though he treated me like an animal. I loved him though he treated me like a wind that he couldn't see. I loved him even if he treated me like a punching bag every time he's mad or annoyed about something that might be related or not to me. All of it didn't matters. People can all me crazy, but its true. I'm crazy in love with my husband. People can call me a martyr, I don't give a shit. Because its true. A person who's willing to die for her husband na ang tanging ginagawa ay saktan ako ng paulit-ulit.

Pain doesn't matter at all as long as I love the person who gives me that pain. As long as I love that person who keep on hurting me. 

Pain is a part of Love. 

It's unfair, but its true.

But I don't know if things will be better again. I don't know if he will ever love me, like how I love him.

"Leave him already. He's not worth for you. If he loves you, he'll never do such things and hurt you." 

I heard Samara said on the other line.

"H-Hindi ko kaya Sam. You know how much I lov-"

"Ah ganun. So hahayaan mo nalang na ganyanin ka niya. Bugbugin ka ng paulit-ulit?! Saktan ka niya ng paulit-ulit?! Does your own life even matters to you? Xiellenna, it's way too much. Alam mo bang pwede mong ikamatay ang pagiging isang TANGA! Please lang Xiellenna, please. Alalahanin mo naman ang sarili mo." She said again ng hindi man lang pinatapos ang sasabihin ko kanina.

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ako ganito katanga. Siguro pinanganak lang talaga akong isang tanga at sumumpang magmamahal ng iisang lalaki sa tanang buhay. Ganun na ba ako katanga, para hayaaan ang sarili kong asawa na saktan ako?

"Ang tanga mo Xiellenna... alam kong alam mo yun," she continue and then I realize that she was already crying. I tried to find my own words and answer her, but all I can do is to shut up and listen to her. "Xiellenna. Please. Give up already. Hindi ka niya mamahalin tulad ng pagmamahal mo sa kanya."

"Sam, I know. Pero hindi niya pa ako nagawang lokohin. Wala naman siyang kabit kaya pwede pa akong maghintay para-"

"PUTANGINA MO NAMAN XIELLENNA EH! HIHINTAYIN MO PA BANG MAKITA MO SIYA NA MAY KALANDIANG IBA BAGO MO SIYA HIWALAYAN?! TANGINA NAMAN EH! KAIBIGAN KITA XIELLENNA KAYA AKO NAGKAKAGANITO! SASAKTAN KA BA NIYA NG GANYAN KUNG WALA SIYANG IBANG BABAE?! MAG-ISIP KA NGA NG MATINO! HINDI KA MAHAL NG ASAWA MO! HINDI KA MAHAL NI HANS! ANO BA?!"

Ang lakas ng sigaw ni Sam mula sa kabilang linya pero tahimik lang akong nakinig sa kanya. I felt my tears escape from my swollen eyes but I didn't dare to wipe it out.

Alam ko kung ano ang tama, at yun ang iwan si Hans ng tuluyan. Pero iniisip ko pa nga lang, parang ang hirap ng gawin. Nasasaktan na agad ako. Nasasaktan ako, pero may parte sa akin na nagsasabing mas masakit ang ginagawa niya sa akin. May parte sa loob ko na nagsasabing nagsasawa na rin ako sa ganito. May parte sa aking loob na nagrereklamo na sa akin at nagsasabing, sumuko na ako sa katangahan ko.

Oo.. inaamin kong napakatanga ko talaga. Hinahayaan kong puso ko ang manaig at hayaan kong magdesisyon. Pero ni minsan, hindi ko ginamit at pinakinggan ang laman ng isip ko.

Siguro nga, there's limitation for everything. So maybe this my time to escape from my own shell. Maybe this is the right time to wake up from those scary nightmares in the dark nights. Maybe this is the time to face what are the truth from the mistakes.

Maybe this the right time to gave up from him.

"Please, Xiellenna, makinig ka naman sa-"

I cut her words and I start to speak between my broken voice.

"Then help me Sam. Help me to change. Help me to escape and forget him."

***