Awkward And Rigid

She wasn't in the hotel room when I came back. 

I sighed as I took off my shirt, running my hand through my hair. We really needed to talk about this. 

This was a new country for her, somewhere she wasn't familiar with, and every time she stayed out without answering her phone, my mind went straight to the worst fucking places. 

I picked up my phone, about to call her and hope to God it didn't go to voicemail when the door opened. I stiffened, my eyes glued to the door as I watched her step in, her hands once again full. And this time, there was a bottle of alcohol there.

I scoffed softly as I dropped the phone.

“Hey, you,” I said softly, my voice coming out rough for whatever reason.

“Jackson,” she said as she shut the door with her foot, turning to face me with her eyebrows pulled together. 

This right here was a sight I could definitely get used to. Siri, coming back with her nose red with cold, looking too small in her big coat and thick gloves that swallowed her small hands. It was a comforting sight.

“Now, I know I'm late again, so please, save it.” 

I scoffed as I turned towards the bathroom. “At least you know.” 

I took off the rest of my clothes and stepped under the shower. I turned it on, grunting when the cold water hit me. I welcomed the cold, resting my head on the tiled wall, barely feeling the cold as I shut my eyes. 

Things were… awkward between us. 

Sure, she slept on my chest last night, I kissed her cheek when we woke up this morning, and we acted like we always did, but… but there was this unseen cloud hanging above our heads. 

A cloud that made both our smiles look too forced. A rigidity that had settled between us, and the freedom we once shared was gone. I squeezed my eyes, my hands balling into fists and pressing into the wall.

It was all my fault. 

I knew. Fucking hell, I knew if I pushed too hard, she would retreat. I knew if I asked for too much too soon, she would hide again. And yet I did it anyway. 

For a second, I got impatient and greedy, and this is what it cost me. 

Just… the way she had come to me that night, the way the walls were stripped between us, made me think maybe she was done hiding. It made me think that maybe she was finally going to stop pretending she didn't notice my feelings, and reciprocate them.

How foolish I was. And it hurts so fucking bad, and it was going to be hard to go back to the way we used to be.

Because now, I've gotten a taste of what it’s like when her heart was won. I’ve gotten a taste of that sweet side of Siri, and I would only want more.

And I couldn't count the number of times her teary face flashed in my mind. That had played a huge role in distracting me during practice. 

Her eyes wide and red, her eyelashes wet with her tears, and that look in her eyes. It was devastating and so beautiful. 

A fucked up part of me felt almost delighted that she had cried in front of me. Not because I enjoyed seeing her hurt—God, no—but because Siri didn't let people see her break, so the fact that she cried so painfully and beautifully in front of me, and knowing I caused those tears too, was doing something to me that I refused to acknowledge. 

I sighed deeply and heavily as I turned off the shower and stepped out, wrapping a towel around my waist. 

I froze when I stepped back into the living room and noticed something… different. 

For one, the lights were off, and only a dim light was on. For two, on the floor near the TV, was a blanket with snacks and drinks. For three, Siri was standing too still beside the couch. 

“Uhm…” she muttered as her eyes trailed over me, leaving heat in their trail. Her cheeks grew pink, her lips parted. She looked back at my eyes. “A movie… I thought maybe we could watch a movie and get drunk.”

I stared at her, my chest unbearably tight. 

How? Someone, please tell me how I couldn't have been impatient. Please tell me how.

She was perfect. She was broken, sharp-tongued, and so fucking perfect. 

I wanted to find that fucker Michael and punch a hole in his face for giving her this unseen scar. 

I could see she wanted to try. No, fuck that. She was trying, and yet I also saw the hesitation in her eyes, the fear and the doubt. 

But she… she was trying. Siri was trying, and it made me want to draw her into my arms and never let her go. To make her a promise and swear that I will never, not in this lifetime or the next, hurt her.

I would burn my tongue before I deliberately said something meant to leave another scar on her. 

“Jackson?” she called softly when I just stood there and stared at her.

“Okay,” I said softly, my voice too rough. “Okay, baby. I’ll go get dressed.” 

“No!” she said too quickly, taking a step towards me, and I paused, an eyebrow raised. Her face turned red, and she couldn't meet my eyes. “Uhm… I mean, sure. Go get dressed.”

I scoffed before I walked to the room, a smile on my face. She was trying. So the least I could do was be patient. She deserved that. She was worth it.

I picked up a pair of sweatpants but then paused. I dropped them, my smile growing, and picked up my boxer briefs instead. That was the only thing I wore as I stepped back into the living room. She was already on the floor, the remote in her hand.

“What would you like to–” 

She cut herself off as her eyes turned to me and widened.

“Y-you said you were going to get dressed!” she yelled, her face redder than a tomato.

“And dressed I am, darling,” I said softly as I sat beside her on the blanket, her eyes following my every move. 

“There’s nothing dressed about you, Jackson!”

I shove my hand into the bowl of popcorn, popping one into my mouth without taking my eyes off hers.

“Horror,” I said.

She blinked at me, her eyebrows pulled together as she swallowed. “W-what?”

“I would like to watch a horror movie, Siri.”

She scoffed as she looked back at the TV. 

“Of course, you do. Horror and alcohol. What could possibly go wrong?”