It Meant Nothing

My eyes went wide. 

Shit, Siri! Shit! 

He tilted his head, confused. “What?”

He didn't know what I meant. Good. I looked away from him, muttering under my breath, “It’s nothing.”

He said nothing, and we went back to silence, and I went back to sipping my beer slowly so it wouldn't run out and I'd have to give my attention to him. Then I'll have to look at him, and feel things I didn't want to feel. Things that were wrong to feel, and you shouldn't even–

“You were watching me today,” he said, his voice low and suddenly rough.

I gave him a look. “Oh, was I now? I wonder what I went to the arena to do. Stare at the floor, maybe?”

He shook his head, and I didn't like how that intense look was back in his eyes. That was a lie, in case you couldn't tell.

“No, Siri. That's not what I meant. You were watching me differently.”

I stilled, gripping the bottle harder as if that would shield me.

“That short moment our eyes met, I saw it,” he went on. “That look in your eyes, Siri… What does it mean? I’ve tried to decipher that look, but I've been failing miserably.”

“It meant nothing,” I spat, harsher than I meant to.

“Don’t lie to me,” he snarled, his jaw slightly clenched.

I scoffed harshly. “Or what? You’ll spank me?”

“If you tempt me.”

Silence. Our eyes glued together, our chests heaving. We were both pissed. Good. Or not good. Oh whatever.

I looked away first, raising the bottle to my lips, but it never made it. Jackson knocked the bottle out of my hand, and it landed on the floor with a clatter, spilling liquid. My gaze snapped to him.

“What the fuck is your problem, man?” I asked through bared teeth.

His gaze was also hard. “My fucking problem, Siri, is that I’ve spent hours trying to understand what that look is, and it’s driving me crazy.”

“It meant nothing!” I yelled, but then my voice dropped when I remembered where we were. “The charged air in the arena, the crowd, everything about that moment went to my head, so that’s why I looked at you that way. So it fucking. Meant. Nothing.” 

His gaze hardened. He shifted closer to me, and I went still.

“It didn't?" he asked, his voice low. “The way you jumped and cheered meant nothing? Look at me in the fucking eyes, and lie more to me, Siri.”

I leaned in even though my brain screamed at me not to, and his scent assaulted my nose. An assault that I welcomed. I made sure I was looking deeply into his eyes. 

“Yes, Jackson. It meant nothing. Look around at where we are. Two rooms away from this room, our parents are sleeping in the same bed, so it meant nothing. It can't mean anything.”

“You say ‘can’t.’ That means you want it to?”

God, was nothing sinking into that skull of his? “What do you want, Jackson? For fuck sake, what do–”

“You, Siri,” he spat harshly, the fire in his eyes growing. “You’re what I want.” 

My breath caught in my throat.  

“Don't say shit,” I said, hating how my voice shook. 

“And what is shitty about that?”

“Everything, you arrogant prick! Look around you. Look at me. What do any of these ignites want? What about any of this is so desirable?”

He came closer to me, so close that I felt his breath hit my face.

“I’m looking, Siri,” he said, his voice low. 

“W-what?”

“You said to look at you, so I'm looking.”

“Good. So you can see nothing desirable here.”

“And yet I still want you. I’m looking, and I still want you.”

My hands shook. “This joke isn't funny, Jackson.”

“So I'm a clown now who makes jokes?”

“Get out.”

“I don't want to.”

“Please, Jackson!”

“You will wake them up.”

I ignored that. “The joke worked. You got me good. Now leave.”

He grabbed my hand suddenly, and I yelped, but that sound turned into a gasp when he pressed my hand to his crotch. 

“What about this is a joke to you, Siri?” he asked, his voice a low, rough whisper. His eyes were hard and intense on mine. “Huh?”

He was hard. He was painfully hard, and I could feel him throbbing in my hand. I couldn't say anything. I just watched him with my eyes wide.

“Say something!” he snarled. “Don’t go quiet now.”

“What do you want me to say?” I asked, my voice small.

He pressed my hand harder on his dick, and I gasped softly. “Say you want this, too.”

I closed my eyes, shaking my head. “I-I don’t.”

I felt him lean in closer to me, his breath harsh on my face. “The lie flows so easily out of your lips.”

“Why are you doing this, Jackson? This… this is wrong.”

“Yes, I know how wrong it is. And yet last night, while I was fucking someone else, all I could think about was how much I wanted to spread your legs and fuck you till your voice grows hoarse.”

My breath hitched, and I opened my eyes for them to land on his. Those dark, gray eyes filled with hunger. 

The bells were going off in my head. My brain was screaming at me to run, that this wasn't safe. That I've been in this position before, and I knew what came out. 

Boys like him didn't want girls like me. If they did, then they only saw us as playthings. I know his type, and it wasn't me. So this was cruel, and yet I didn't want it to be. I wanted him to mean those words. 

“Jackson–”

“I wasn't going to act on this. I was going to keep ignoring it, but then–” He cut himself off, cursing harshly. He looked down before he raised his eyes back to mine. “But then, you looked at me like that, and all reason flew out of my head. So yes, Siri, I know this is wrong, and yet all I want to do is close this small space between our lips and seal them together. Let me hear those words. Say you want it too.”

My heart was racing so fast that it felt like I was going to throw up.