SIMULA

AMIDST the hustle and bustle of Madrid publishing house, I found myself seated at a cluttered desk. The air was thick with the invigorating scent of freshly brewed coffee and the lively chatter of Spanish voices. Kahit alam ko na malapit na ang deadline nitong mga manuscript, hindi ko pa rin magawang mag-concentrate dahil tila wala ako sa sariling pag-iisip.

Habang ini-edit ko ang manuscript ng isang author mula rito sa Madrid, nabigla ako nang tumunog ang aking cellphone. My heart leaped into my throat as I saw the familiar names of Shan and Marie flashing in bold letters.

Ini-swipe ko ang screen at inilapit ang cellphone sa aking tenga, the warmth of their voices carrying across the miles.

"Hola, Via," Marie's voice, always soothing, greeted me.

"Hi, guys!" I replied, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips. "What's up?"

Tumili si Shan kaya agad akong napangisi. Her enthusiasm was infectious. "Guess what, Via? We're planning a reunion!"

The words hit me like a gust of wind, stirring up memories I had tucked away. I had left my home country years ago, leaving behind a past I had struggled to reconcile with.

"A-A…reunion? Nakakagulat naman!"

Marie's voice held a note of excitement. "Tagal na natin na hindi nakompleto, Via. We thought it was about time."

Habang nag-uusap sila, lumilipad ang isip ko sa buhay na binuo ko sa Spain. Mahirap ang buhay sa mga unang taon ko dito pero...ito ang buhay ko ngayon. Ito ang lugar na kinabibilangan ko ngayon. Ngunit, hindi ko alam kung bakit sa ilalim ng pakitang-tao ng aking bagong buhay, the echoes of my past still resonated.

Most especially, the shadow of my past burned brightest in my own home...

"Via, it's going to be so fun! Sa dati pa rin! Everyone's coming!" Boses ni Shan ang nagpabalik sa akin sa usapan.

Marie, always the wise one, sensed hesitation. "Via, oras na para harapin ang nakaraan. To heal old wounds."

Napabuntong-hininga ako, tinutunton ng mga daliri ko ang mga gilid ng isang manuscript sa mesa ko. Ang pag-iisip na harapin ang nakaraan ay nakakatakot.

Dapat ko talagang pag-isipang mabuti ang tungkol dito, ngunit ayaw ko naming humindi sa alok lalo na’t excited sila. Huminga ako nang malalim, tumango ako kahit hindi nila ako nakikita.

"Alright, girls. I'm in."

Nang ibaba ko na ang phone ay parang hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman. It’s like a whirlwind of emotions churned inside me. The past and the present collided, and the possibility of reuniting with old friends, old flames, and old wounds left me both anxious and strangely hopeful.

And…how can I tell them the consequences of what we did in the past?

"Mama!"

Ngumiti ako sa kaniya. My arms wide open, waiting for Grace to hug me.

Humagikgik siya at lumukso sa kama habang hawak ang kan’yang coloring book. Habang nakayakap ako sa kan’ya, hindi ko maiwasang isipin kung magandang ideya ba ang pag-uwi namin.

"Grace…" Bahagya akong ngumiti,"I have something super exciting to tell you!"

My daughter, engrossed in her coloring book, looked up at me with curious eyes. Nakaramdam ako ng biglaang kaba habang naghahanda upang sabihin ang plano.

"What is it, Mama?" she asked, setting aside her crayons.

Huminga ako ng malalim habang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. "Do you remember when Mama used to live in another country, where Abuelo and Abuela lived?"

Nanlaki ang kaniyang mga mata sa pananabik habang tumatango. "Yes, you told me stories about it. Can we go there?"

Bahagya akong napangiti sa kanyang nakakahawa na pananabik. Inalis ko ang isang hibla ng kanyang matingkad na buhok palayo sa kanyang mukha.

"Yes, Mija!"

Her face lit up with pure joy. "Really? Mama, that sounds amazing! I can't wait to see Abuelo and Abuela, and meet all of your old friends!"

Nahawa ako sa pagiging excited niya. "Yes, and you'll get to meet other kids too! And we'll meet some people who knew Mama before."

Grace's eyes sparkled. "This is going to be so much fun, Mama! When do we leave?"

I hugged her tightly, grinning from ear to ear. "We leave in just a few days, Mija..."

"Mama, I'm so excited for it."

While we are talking, Grace's excitement is a comfort to my worry about the reunion and knowing that there's the least chance of the potential encounter with her biological father.

I know this is my mistake but protecting our peace means hiding Grace too. I'm mindful that I must choose the ideal time to tell her the truth, but in the meantime, I want her to feel nothing but excitement as we leave.

Entering the club felt like stepping into a time machine. Ang buhay na buhay na enerhiya ng lugar ay tila nagdala sa akin sa ibang dimension. It was as if the years had melted away, and I was once again a carefree teenager, ready to embrace the night.

"Via! Welcome home!" Alice, from our uni, said while welcoming me.

"Yeah, it's been a long time seeing everyone. How are you, guys?"

"We're doing fine. Well, I just want to update you..."

When she told me all I had missed out on during my five-year absence, I was thrilled.

"No way! Nagpakasal? E halos magpatayan na iyang dalawang iyan noon, ah?" Bulalas ko habang napako ang mga mata sa mga dati naming kaklase.

"Believe it or not, they did. Alam mo ang sinasabi nila, 'The more you hate, the more you love'," nagkibit-balikat siya na parang hindi big deal.

Hindi ko napigilang humagalpak ng tawa hanggang sa isang malakas na hiyaw na tumatawag sa aking pangalan ang nagpatigil sa akin.

As I turned, I caught sight of Shanti and Marie sprinting towards me, not even caring about their patent leather skirts.

"Putangina! Na-miss kita!” hinihingal na bulalas ni Shanti.

I rolled my eyes playfully. "Nagkita tayo sa Spain three months ago, Shan."

Marie chimed in, "Magkaiba iyon, ‘no! You're back now!"

Humagikgik ako, "Well, you'll have plenty of time to miss me again. One month lang dito ang Disney princess ninyo!"

Shanti then asked, "Babalik ka sa Spain?"

Nagkibit balikat ako. "Girls, nandoon ang trabaho ko. May babayaran akong bills at a—"

Bago pa ako matapos, sumabad si Marie, "Oh my goodness, he is here!"

Bumibilis ang tibok ng puso ko habang nakatayo ako roon kasama sina Shan at Marie, nakatitig sa lalaking kakarating lang.

His presence was overwhelming, oozing a sense of arrogance that hadn't changed since years ago.

Bakas sa boses ni Shan ang pag-aalala habang bumubulong, "Via, are you okay?"

I tried to steady my trembling hands as I reply, "Yeah, I'm fine. H-Hindi ko lang inaasahan na…makikita ko siya rito."

Marie was quick to point out, "Hindi mo sinabi sa amin na pupunta siya, Shan."

Napabuntong-hininga si Shan at nanatili ang tingin kay Ethan. "I had no idea na nandito rin siya. I wouldn't have invited you guys if I did. I won't even go if ever."

"Gusto mo bang umalis? Maaari tayong pumunta sa ibang lugar para uminom," Marie suggested.

I weighed my options for a moment before shaking my head. "No, let's stay. I don't want him to think he still has any power over me."

"Via, are you sure about this? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

Pinilit kong ngumiti para hindi sila mag-aalala sa akin. "There are certain ghosts I'd rather not confront, Shan."

"Via, sometimes confronting the past is necessary for closure,” ani Marie.

“Utot niya closure!” reklamo ni Shanti.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. The room was alive with chatter, laughter, and the clinking of glasses. It was a surreal combination of nostalgia and apprehension.

Iminuwestra ni Shan ang isang sulok kung saan nakatayo ang lalaki, abala sa pakikipag-usap sa mga kaklase ko. "Speaking of ghost, there’s yours."

Napabuntong-hininga ako habang nakatingin sa kaniya. Dapat nakinig ako sa intuitions ko! This was a bad idea.

Habang patuloy naming pinagmamasdan ito, hindi napigilan ni Shan na magkomento, "He looks just as hot as ever, ‘di ba?"

Napaisa ang kilay ko at tiningnan nang masama ang kaibigan. She chuckled and threw up her hands.

"Via, gusto mo ba siyang makausap, o iwasan na lang natin siya magdamag?"

I hesitated, torn between facing him or avoiding a potential encounter. "Let's see how the night goes. Ayokong masira niya ang gabi natin."

As the evening progressed, we tried our best to enjoy the reunion, catching up with old friends and sharing stories of our lives since college. Pero kahit anong pilit ko, hindi ko maiwasang magnakaw ng tingin sa direksyon niya at bumalik ang mga alaala ng nakaraan naming relasyon.

Against my better judgement, lumapit ako sa grupo nila.

They're the last that I haven't talked with and it would cause misunderstanding if I don't speak to them.

Bawar apak ko ay napakabigat at nang lumingon siya, our eyes locked in a silent crash of memories. Tiningnan niya lang ako nang isang segundo bago siya lumingon sa babaeng kausap niya.

Hindi ko alam na nasa gilid ko na para si Shan kung hindi ito nagsalita. "Hey, guys, look who's here!"

Lumingon ulit ito sa akin. But, this time, his expression is unreadable. "Via," he greeted, his tone colder than the ice in my drink.

"Ethan," I replied, my voice calculated, "…surprised to see you here."

"Why? Afraid of a little reunion?" Nakakainis ang ngisi niya.

Si Shan, na naramdaman ang tumitinding tensyon, ay sinubukang pangunahan ang pag-uusap. "Tara na, wag nating sirain ang gabi. Nandito tayo para magsaya, ‘di ba?"

We exchanged icy civilities and neither of us willing to break the cold, awkward silence. Para bang ang limang taong agwat ay lalo lamang nagpatindi ng pait sa pagitan namin. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa gilid ng mesa, bumabaon ang mga kuko ko sa kahoy.

Ethan leaned back in his chair, his gaze fixed on me with curiousness and disdain. "So, what have you been up to, Via? Still chasing after your dreams, I assume?"

Parang sampal sa mukha ang sinabi niya. Can't blame him too, since that is the main reason I used it as a cover-up for our damn breakup.

"Yes, Ethan," I replied with a hint of sarcasm. "Worth it because I'm making progress."

Ethan's eyes blazed with intensity. Bahagya siyang lumapit at parang manginig ang tuhod ko.

"Good then. You've always been idealistic with your aspirations in life that you chose, that even you'll sacrifice everything."

I sighed and rolled my eyes as I looked around. I was fuming, my chest heaving with anger. "Oh, spare me your self-righteousness, Ethan!"

He sarcastically laughed, and I felt like he was reading my whole soul even though he was not showing any glimpse of emotion.

I couldn't help but chuckle sarcastically at his bitterness.

"Still holding onto that grudge, huh?" panunuya ko. Relishing the power I had over him after leaving him years ago. His face twisted with anger, and his eyes bore into mine threateningly.

But I wasn't intimidated.

"Rest assured, I won't be the same old pup that simply indulges your every whim and allows you to leave once you've reaped the rewards."

His words stung, but I refused to let him have the last say. "Honestly, Ethan, I think you're the one who's bitter about what happened," sagot ko, desididong mangunguna sa usapang ito. "But hey, since ako ang umalis, I'll take the high road and say sorry for closure's sake."

Lalong tumindi ang tensyon sa silid nang muling tumigas ang kan’yang ekspresyon, nakakrus ang kan’yang mga braso habang nakasandal sa kan’yang upuan. "Closure? A little chat to tie up loose ends? You think that's all it takes, baby girl?"

I bit my lip. Tried not to be distracted by the words pouring out his mouth.

"Ethan, you're being difficult," I rolled my eyes.

But his eyes narrowed, and suddenly the room felt smaller. "You always had a knack for distorting reality, Via."

I feel my hand curl into a tight ball as I observe him gulp down his beverage and walk away from my presence.