Grief-stricken Mama

Amy had regrets. All she wanted was to hold her baby again, and she was mad at herself for not protecting him. Amy remembered how she contemplated suicide after having a miscarriage. She assumed she would never have another baby. She felt too ashamed to tell her husband that attempting to kill herself in the living room of their home wasn’t the only time she tried to take her own life. Guilt consumed Amy when she thought back on the night she tried to shoot herself and threatened to shoot her husband if he tried to stop her.

Amy admitted she had problems before she became pregnant with Omar. But it seemed like when she found out she was pregnant again, everything in her life felt like it was changing for the better. It was like giving birth to a cherub when Amy saw Omar coming out of her womb and heard him crying for the first time. She would never forget how Omar looked up at her after the nurse placed his tiny body in her arms. He didn’t cry that much. Looking into her baby’s eyes was like getting a glimpse of paradise. She found everything adorable about her baby, including a minor birth defect that he had on his left foot, which involved extra skin that developed around his little toes. Amy thought God was mad at her because of what she did in the past. But after getting married to Bryan and having Omar, she felt God had forgiven her for her past sins. Or so she thought. It was all a trick, and Amy felt like God was playing with her.

“I was so excited when I felt Omar kicking around in my stomach,” Amy said to her father, smiling at him.

“That’s the first time you smiled at me today,” Amy’s dad, Bobby, said, letting out a brief chuckle. Bobby almost teared up when he saw his daughter smile at him. He had gotten used to seeing her tears throughout the night, and he had forgotten what her beautiful smile looked like.

“I’m sorry for hitting you last night.” Amy reached over the bed rail to take hold of her father’s hand.

“It’s okay, honey. I upset you,” Bobby told his daughter. Bobby felt he deserved to get slapped in the face after what he said to his daughter. He blamed himself for telling Amy last night that God let her child get abducted so that he could test her faith. Bobby admitted that what he said to his daughter was insane. He was in shock after finding out that a man shot his daughter and kidnapped his grandbaby. He knew being in shock caused him to talk crazy.

“You were right about telling me how the Lord gives and takes away. Maybe God let those men break into my house and take my baby because God is trying to teach me a lesson. He blessed me with Omar, but only for a little while.” There was a disheartening pain in Amy’s voice, and she tried to keep a smile on her face while staring at her father.

Bobby leaned closer to his daughter while holding her hand against his chin. “I was wrong to tell you that last night, sweetie. God doesn’t allow suffering to come to you so he can test your faith. He doesn’t bless you with something so he can take it away from you.” Bobby shook his head while releasing a low, sorrowful groan. The pastor tried to hold back tears while looking at the large white bandage that covered the bullet hole in his daughter’s shoulder.

“God is punishing me for being a stripper when I was young. That’s why he took my baby away from me,” Amy told her father with her smile fading.

Bobby shook his head in immediate disagreement with what his daughter was saying. “You were nineteen years old when you did that stuff. God isn’t judging you. You were a young woman still trying to figure out your path, and you didn’t know any better.”

Amy rolled her eyes at her dad while wiping away tears. “I was a f#cking stripper and a prostitute, Daddy! I was old enough to know what I was doing. God isn’t punishing me for what I did!?” Amy’s light voice was becoming elevated and the grieving young mother didn’t notice that her voice was rising.

“Honey, listen to me. I know I sound like a broken record, but the Lord forgives you for what you did in the past,” Bobby told his daughter, hoping to stop the bleeding. “We were going through a tough time, financially. Your mom lost her job at the factory. I lost my construction job for getting into a fight with my boss. The man was a womanizing bastard and I lost it when he joked in front of me about kissing your mom and not respecting the fact that she was my wife." Bobby paused for a second while biting his bottom lip. "We lived in the deepest part of London’s ghetto. I had my drinking problem, and you tried to think of the quickest way to make money so you could support me and your mom. It wasn’t the best way, but you got desperate. God isn’t mad at you for what you did. He loves you, sweetie.” Bobby watched as his daughter slowly took her hand away from between his fingers after he told her that God loved her.

“If he loves me, then why did he let men break into my house and take my baby?” Amy fidgeted with her earring, which was something she would do whenever anxiety would set in. “If God loved me, then why did he take my husband from me?”

Bobby took a deep breath while listening to the aggravation in his daughter’s voice. “He didn’t take your husband and your baby from you. He’s not a God who would do something like that.” At that moment, while Bobby was trying to comfort his daughter, he felt a slight irritation toward God arise within himself. The pastor felt a little bitterness rising in his spirit and he wanted to ask God why he allowed his grandbaby to get abducted and his daughter to get shot. He tried to ignore those bitter questions he had toward God in the back of his mind because he knew it was the Devil trying to discourage him.

“Did you know every night I dream about killing that police officer for what he did?” A cloud of pure disgust arose in Amy’s eyes when she talked about her husband’s killer. “I think about when I was sitting in that courtroom listening to that man tell the judge how he didn’t mean to shoot Bryan.” Amy paused, licking her lips. “That bastard shot my baby because he was a black man. It wasn’t the cocaine in his system. He would’ve still killed my husband without the cocaine,” Amy stated before biting her bottom lip.

Bobby listened to his daughter vent. “I know you wanted to kill that son of a bitch in the courtroom that day. That guy was twice your size, and you almost killed him,” Bobby said, chuckling a little and trying to regain his daughter’s hand.

“I wanted to break his neck, especially when he looked around at the judge and said that my husband didn’t suffer.” Amy shook her head. “If the courtroom bailiff hadn’t pulled me off of him, I would’ve finished what I started. Why didn’t God let me kill him?” Amy balled up her hand. She gazed at her father with a sunken gloom in her eyes.

“He didn’t let you kill him because he wanted to take care of the murderer himself. That’s why he let a prison inmate beat that murderer to death inside of his cell. That was God bringing you justice. I know you wanted to kill the man yourself, but God let a prison inmate do it instead of you. God didn’t want you to get into trouble for killing a psychopath in a courtroom. Sometimes it’s best to let God handle things, and not take matters into your own hands.” Bobby could see in his daughter’s eyes that his answer to her question did not satisfy her.

“When my first pregnancy went bad, I thought I would never have another baby, and then came this gorgeous little angel who kept dancing around in my stomach. I could feel his little feet pressing against my belly button. It felt like I had a little firecracker inside my belly.” Amy giggled a little, feeling tears stirring up in her eyes. “I know I’ve told you this story a billion times. But when I wore my hair long, Omar would always grab my hair every time I’d take him out of his crib, or put him in his car seat. He’d love reaching for Mommy’s hair. He wouldn’t yank on it. He’d just roll the strands around his tiny fingers.” Amy stopped talking. She tried to fight her tearful urge while laying her head back on her pillow, holding her father’s hand against her chest.

“It’s alright, sweetheart,” Bobby whispered to his daughter. He tried to stay strong for his daughter while also maintaining his faith in God. He hoped his words were comforting his daughter. “I feel everything will be okay. The Lord is protecting my grandbaby, and he’s gonna bring him back to us,” Bobby told his daughter while caressing her hand and looking into her eyes.

Amy had to take her eyes away from her father when she saw a tall and handsome, familiar figure standing in the hospital room’s doorway. It surprised Amy to see Tony stepping into the hospital room holding a bouquet. He looked unrecognizable to Amy, and she had never seen him dressed in blue jeans and a silver athletic tank top with a backward cap and a gold chain around his neck. Seeing him out of his clean-cut work uniform for the first time made Amy notice his muscular build.

Tony shyly stepped closer to Amy’s bedside, removing his cap, and greeting Amy’s father with a handshake. He kept the rose bouquet he bought for Amy tucked securely beneath his arm. “I saw your car on the news all banged up on the highway and my heart went in my throat. I called the hospital, and they told me you were here. I had to see you.” Tony hoped Amy wouldn’t find it creepy that a young serviceman who worked on her car was visiting her in the hospital. He knew he wasn’t a family member or not quite a boyfriend. The awkward tension he felt inside of him dissolved when Amy reached up and took his hand.

“I didn’t expect to see you,” Amy smirked a little, trying to dry her eyes with a piece of tissue. She watched as the young man leaned over her and serenaded her cheek with a kiss. Amy kissed Tony on his cheek before watching him pull up a chair beside her. “Thank you, sweetie,” Amy said to Tony, taking hold of the beautiful flowers that he presented to her. When she thanked Tony, she realized how hoarse her voice sounded from crying the night before, and the slight hoarseness in her voice made her normal tone sound like a whisper.

“I’m sorry about your baby. I felt sick to my stomach when I heard on the news that you were chasing the guy who took him.” Tony’s voice tightened a little when he thought about the candy bar he gave Omar. The young man came close to grieving, but he didn’t want to grieve in front of Amy and her dad. Tony told himself that he came to support Amy, not depress her even more.

“It was my fault. I didn't protect him,” Amy whispered to Tony while shaking her head. “I should’ve done a better job at protecting my baby. I had him in my arms and I didn’t….” Amy’s voice cut off, and she gripped Tony’s hand while bringing her other hand up to her face. Regret struck her when a thought told her she would never see her child again.

Moisture filled Tony’s eyes after he watched Amy cry into her hand. He leaned forward, putting his fingers through her hair. “It’s gonna be fine. The police will find him and he’ll be okay,” Tony whispered to Amy, watching as she used her hand to hide her tear-soaked face from him. The young man wished he could do something. He wanted to find her little boy, but he felt powerless. All he could do was sit by Amy’s bedside, holding her hand.

Bobby immediately reached over the bed railing to comfort his daughter. He stood up and embraced his daughter when she fully surrendered to her grief. Bobby said a prayer under his breath while trying not to cry in front of his daughter. The pastor rocked his daughter back and forth in his arms while whispering out through his tears... “God, please rescue my grandbaby. I know I haven’t been a perfect man in the past, but don’t punish my daughter because of me. Don't punish my little girl because of my past sins. Please protect my grandbaby. Bring him back to his mother, unharmed.”