CHAPTER 4

DIANTHA

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nakayanan na makasama si Icarus sa iisang sasakyan.

Matapos ng nangyaring halikan namin ay hindi na ako mapakali dahil sa kaba at dahil na rin sa guilt.

I can't believe I let that happen and that I liked it…again. Just like that night, I got lost in the pleasure Icarus had provided me despite repeatedly telling myself that I would not allow such a thing to happen again.

'You're a lost cause, Diantha. A fucking lost cause,’ piping pagkastigo ko sa aking sarili.

My head is already aching due to frustration. I am too frustrated. Gusto ko na lamang i-untog ang ulo ko sa pinto ng sasakyan ni Icarus, na siyang kinalululanan namin ngayon, o hindi kaya ay hilahin ang buhok ko.

Mabuti na rin lang at hindi nagsasalita si Icarus. Kung ano ang dahilan ng katahimikan niya ay hindi ako sigurado, but I am hoping that it is because he is feeling guilty for making a move on his younger brother's fiancé because the thought of me, being the only one, suffering from this guilt just doesn't sit right with me. But then again, I highly doubt Icarus is the kind of guy that would feel guilty about it. In the first place, he wouldn't dare touch me if he had a conscience.

A frustrated sigh came out of my mouth as I wished na sana ay makarating na kami sa bahay ng mga magulang nila upang makalayo na ako kay Icarus. I need to keep a distance from him to save myself from getting crazy from overthinking.

At tila dininig naman ng Diyos ang panalangin ko dahil ilang minuto pa ang lumipas at tanaw ko na ang napakalaking gate ng pribadong subdibisyon ng mga Leventis.

Sandaling itinigil ni Icarus ang sasakyan upang hintayin ang pagbubukas ng malaking gate. At nang bumukas na iyon ay pinaandar na muli ni Icarus ang kanyang sasakyan.

Maraming beses na akong nakapasok sa subdibisyon ng mga Leventis, ngunit hanggang ngayon ay hangang-hanga pa rin ako sa ganda at lawak nito.

Napakalawak ng lupain na bahagi ng subdibisyon, ngunit tatlong magagarang bahay pa lamang ang nakatayo rito, which happens to be the houses of Icarus and Ashton's parents and grandparents; then the newest addition is the house na ipinatayo ni Ashton para sa aming dalawa.

Itinigil ni Icarus ang kanyang sasakyan sa tapat ng isa sa napakalaki at napakagarang bahay na ilang beses ko ng binisita, ang bahay ng kanilang mga magulang.

Hindi ko na hinintay na pagbuksan pa ako ng pinto ni Icarus, though hindi din naman ako sigurado kung pagbubuksan niya talaga ako, pero just in case he does, ay nauna na akong bumaba bitbit ang aking bag.

Hindi naman nagtagal ay lumabas na rin ng sasakyan niya si Icarus, following right behind me.

“Diantha!”

Awtomatiko akong napangiti ng mapagsino ko ang tumawag sa aking pangalan. It's no other than Isabela Leventis, Ashton and Icarus's mother.

Tita Isabela made her way towards me, and when our paths crossed, ay kaagad niya akong niyakap ng mahigpit bago niya ako hinalikan sa pisngi.

Tita Isabela Leventis is already sixty years old, ngunit hindi pa rin maipagkakaila ang kagandahang taglay niya. She also has a carefree personality na bihira ko na lamang makita sa mga kilala ko na kaedad niya, which could also be the reason why she was still looking young despite already being in her sixties. But aside from her physical beauty, Tita Isabela is also very nice.

Nung una ko siyang makilala ay inakala ko na hindi niya ako matatanggap. After all, I am very different from them. Aside from not being a part of high society, as I am not as wealthy as them and haven't finished college or university, I am also an orphan, which quite a number of people see as problematic because I have no one to guide me while growing up. Well, if they would pertain to the teenage Diantha, then it would be true. I definitely am quite a problematic and bratty teenager. I even still wonder till now how I was able to graduate high school. But that version of Diantha was long gone already. Matagal na akong nagbago at nag-tino; way long even before I met Ashton. Still, I thought that dark past of mine would hinder my relationship with Ashton, but I was wrong. Because despite them knowing some parts of my darkest past, they still accepted me. In fact, naging mainit ang pagtanggap nila sa akin, lalo na ni Tita Isabela. Mula ng ipakilala ako ni Ashton sa mga magulang niya ay walang pagkakataon na ipinaramdam nila sa akin na hindi ako kabilang sa kanila. They treated me, especially Tita Isabela, like her own daughter, and that is something I am very happy about, lalo na at lumaki ako na walang kinikilalang ina.

“Good morning po, Tita,” pagbati ko kay Tita Isabela ng may ngiti sa aking labi.

Ngunit sinimangutan ako ni Tita. “Hindi ba't sinabi ko na sa iyo na Mama na lang din ang itawag mo sa'kin?” Ang sabi niya sa tila nagtatampo na tono.

A shy chuckle came out of my mouth. “Medyo nakakahiya pa po kasi,” tugon ko sa kanya.

“There you go again. Nahihiya ka na naman,” ani Ashton na kakalabas lamang ng bahay nila kasama ang tatay niya na si Tito Elijah Leventis.

He made his way towards me, kissed me on my lips, and then he wrapped his arms around my waist.

After that, ay binalingan na niya ang kuya niya na nasa likuran naming lahat at tahimik lamang while putting on a bored expression on his face. And now that I am properly looking at his face, I can now tell that he looks like he doesn't want to be here and be with us; that he'd rather be anywhere else as long as he's not with us.

“Salamat sa pagsundo kay Dian, Kuya,” ani Ashton na sinagot naman ni Icarus ng pagtango.

“Good to have you join us for breakfast, Diantha,” ang sabi naman ni Tito Elijah, na siyang dahilan upang tumungo ang tingin ko sa kanya.

A shy smile appeared on my lips. "Thank you for inviting me po, Tito," nahihiyang tugon ko, na sinagot lang naman ni Tito Elijah ng isang pagtango and said nothing anymore but just stared at me.

Unlike my relationship with Tita Isabela, na komportableng-komportable na ako; my relationship with Tito Elijah is still a bit awkward despite my being with Ashton for two years. And it's not because he is being indifferent towards me. He just has this natural aura around him that makes me fear him even if he doesn't do anything; like, I am afraid to make a mistake when he's around. And another reason why I find it hard to be comfortable around him is because he is just like Icarus. From the looks to the expressions on their faces to the way they talk, it's the same. Pero ang pinakapinagpareho nilang dalawa ay kung paano nila tignan. They tend to stare at me as if they could read what's on my mind; as if they knew what I really want. Ang pagkakaiba lang ay reaksyon ko sa tuwing tinititigan nila ako ng ganoon. If it is Tito Elijah, I feel so uncomfortable na para bang ginigisa ako sa sarili kong mantika, while if it's Isidore, I feel uncomfortable due to the sudden heat I feel whenever he stares at me so intently, giving me that tingly sensation I don't want to feel but still crave.

"So," ani Tita Isabela na sinabayan ng isang palakpak, causing my thoughts about Tito Elijah and Icarus to end. "Shall we get inside now? I still have a few dishes to cook." She then focused her twinkling eyes on me while smiling sweetly. "You'll help me, won't you, hija?"

I immediately buried my thoughts about the people I should not be thinking about bago ko sinagot ang matamis niyang ngiti. "Syempre naman po."

"Good!" She exclaimed, then, without waiting for the men in her family, she grabbed one of my hands and dragged me inside their home.

—

“How's your flower shop, hija?” Ang tanong ni Tita Isabela as I was breaking the eggs while she was slicing onions.

“It's doing good naman po, Ti—”

“Mommy,” kaagad na putol niya sa itatawag ko sana sa kanya.

I bit my lower lip bago ko nahihiya na sinabing, “Mommy.”

Mommy Isabela's lips formed a wide smile before she stopped what she was doing and stared at me intently.

And because I know I committed a sin and am feeling guilty about it, bigla akong kinabahan sa ginagawang pagtitig sa akin ni Tita Isabela, which led me to stutter, making it obvious that I am nervous as hell.

“B-bakit po?”

Nakangiti pa rin na umiling si Mommy Isabela. “I am just thinking how lucky Ashton is to be married to someone like you.”

And there goes my guilt again, getting intense to the point that I feel like I would throw up. Thankfully, I am still able to mask that feeling and was able to throw out a chuckle before saying, “Baliktad po ata, Mommy Isabela. Ako po ang swerte kay Ashton. Maliban sa gwapo na, ay napakabait pa po. Actually, hindi nga po ako makapaniwala na sa dinami-rami po ng naghahabol sa anak ninyo ay ako pa po ang napili niya.”

“That's because you are a good person, Diantha. My son wouldn't fall in love with you kung hindi ka mabuting tao and if you are not up to his standards. And you should be proud because if there's one thing I am very sure about, Ashton, it would be that he has high standards when it comes to women. And honestly, kung ako rin naman si Ashton, I would fall in love and marry you too. Because who wouldn't want to be with a woman na maganda na, mabait pa? Tapos matalino din, magalang, at nagsisikap ng hindi dumedepende sa ibang tao. You have all the good qualities, Diantha, which is why I can confidently say that my son is one hell of a lucky man to have you.”

My heart warmed matapos kong marinig ang mga papuri sa akin ni Mommy Isabela. But that warmth in my heart did not last as Mommy Isabela spoke again.

“Sana ay makahanap na din ang panganay ko ng katulad mo," Mommy Isabela said, na siyang dahilan upang matigil ako sa aking ginagawa. "Ewan ko ba kasi sa anak kong iyon. Hindi ko malaman kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin siya nag-aasawa samantalang nasa saktong gulang naman na siya. Abay'y treinta y dos na siya. Lagpas na sa kalendaryo ang edad niya pero ayaw pa rin maghanap ng matinong babae. Tingnan mo, mauunahan pa tuloy ng kapatid niya.”

I gulped. I feel uneasy. But as I always do, I did not let that show on my face and went back to doing what I was doing.

“Baka naman po wala pa po talaga sa isipan niya ang pag-aasawa. Baka hindi pa po siya handa.”

Mommy Isabela sighed. “At kailan siya magiging handa? Kapag patay na kami ng Daddy niya?” Naiinis nitong saad.

Hindi ko na sinagot ang sinabi niya upang matigil na ang usapan namin tungkol kay Icarus, as every time she mentions his name, a surge of nervousness fills me up, making me feel again like I want to throw up.

Thankfully, hindi na niya minention pa si Icarus. But the next words she said, hindi man nagpatindi pa sa guilt na nararamdaman ko, ay nagpasurpresa naman sa akin.

Mommy Isabela went back to slicing onions. “Siya nga pala, hija. Okay lang ba talaga sa iyo na ma-move ng dalawang buwan ang kasal ninyo ni Ashton?”

Kumunot ang aking noo. Napuno ng pagtataka ang aking mukha sa naging tanong ni Mommy Isabela.

“Ano po ang ibig ninyong sabihin?”

Muling tumigil si Mommy sa ginagawa niya, at muli akong hinarap habang nakakunot ang kanyang noo.

She was staring at me as if she was looking for something in my face. It took a while before she spoke up again with uncertainty. “Hindi mo pa ba…alam?”

I breathed heavily before I responded to her. “Kung ang ibig po ninyong itanong ay kung hindi ko pa po ba alam na mamo-move po ang kasal namin, then, yes po. I knew nothing about it.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Mommy Isabela, and then she uttered, “Then, hindi mo rin ba alam na pupunta si Ashton sa England?”

Dito na ako napatigil ulit sa ginagawa ko, at hinarap ko na ng tuluyan si Mommy Isabela na nanlalaki pa rin ang mga mata.

I asked her in a calm voice, even though my heart was beating so fast. “Anong ibig po ninyong sabihin na pupunta si Ashton sa England?”

It took a while before Mommy Isabela found her voice to speak again. But just as she was about to, ay siya namang pagpasok ni Ashton sa kusina, which caught both of our attention.

Ashton looked at us, and gave us a questioning look. “What's going on?” He asked.

Nanatili lamang kami ni Mommy Isabela na nakatitig sa kanya. It took a few minutes before Mommy Isabela finally sighed and made her way towards her son. Tinapik niya ang isang balikat ni Ashton, then muttered a word of apology before she finally got out of the kitchen.

Naguguluhang sinundan ng tingin ni Ashton ang kanyang ina, while I give him the coldest stare I could give him.

When Ashton finally looked at me again, the confusion was still written all over his face. And it only got worse when he realized the kind of stare I was giving him.

“Baby, what's going on? May problema ba tayo?” Ashton asked as he walked towards me.

I crossed my arms over my chest as I fully faced him. When Ashton is just one step closer towards me, that's when I finally speak.

“Stop. Don't come near me.”

Nagtataka man siya ay sinunod niya pa rin ang sinabi ko.

He knows better than to go against me when I am mad.

“What's happening, Diantha? Anong pinag-usapan ninyo ni Mommy? Why are you…mad at me?” ang tanong niya.

I just stared at Ashton for a few minutes before I coldly asked him, “Is it true?”

Lalong kumunot ang noo ni Ashton. “Ang alin?”

“Is it true that our wedding will be moved to two months from now because you're going to England?”

Kitang-kita ko ang gulat sa mukha ni Ashton.

“Your mom told me,” dagdag ko.

“Baby…”

“Why did you not tell me?”

Ashton went silent and just stayed still, still doing what I asked him; although I can see it in his eyes that he really wants to come near me.

Hanggang sa hindi na nga niya napigilan ang sarili niya, and he finally made his way towards me. At nang nasa mismong harapan ko na siya ay hinapit niya ako sa beywang at mahigpit na niyakap.

I tried pushing him away sapagka't alam kong isa ito sa mga paraan niya para pahupain ang inis at galit ko, but he did not let go of me. Sa halip ay humigpit lamang ang yakap niya sa akin, indicating that he will never let me go. Kaya sa huli ay hinayaan ko na lamang siya, though my hands remained on my sides.

“I'm sorry,” he said after a while, his face on the top of my head. “I was really planning to tell you. I just couldn't find the right time.”

“You had all the right time, Ashton,” galit kong sagot sa kanya. “Ang sabihin mo, hindi mo lang pa talaga balak sabihin sa akin. Why? When did you intend to tell me? Kapag nasa England ka na? Hindi mo man lang naisip kung ano ang mararamdaman ko? That while everyone knew about it, I, your bride, had no idea that our wedding would be postponed?”

Ashton finally let me go from his embrace. But he did not stray too far from me. He remained so close to me at kanyang ikinulong ang mukha ko gamit ang mga palad niya. His face is filled with regret and worry as he looks into my eyes.

“It's not like that, baby. I was really planning to tell you, and it is supposed to be today. Naunahan lang ako ni Mommy. There's no way I'll leave the country without telling you,” natataranta na sabi niya. He then started kissing every part of my face—from my lips to the tip of my nose, my cheeks, my eyes, and my forehead—while repeatedly saying the word “sorry” sa malambing na tono.

At first, sinubukan kong patigasin pa ang puso ko. After all, the issue is not something light para ganoon ko lang kabilis na tanggapin ang sorry niya. Ngunit nang maalala ko na may kasalanan din naman ako sa kanya, which is definitely much worse than what he did, ay pinilit ko na lamang ang sarili ko na balewalain ang galit at pagkairita na nadarama ko.

Isa pa ay may tiwala pa rin naman ako kay Ashton. I know him. I know he won't decide to do things without a good reason.

“Enough!” I said in a firm tone, to which Ashton immediately followed.

Nanahimik na siya ngunit nanatili pa rin ang mga kamay niya sa mukha ko.

I took a deep breath bago ko dahan-dahan na itinaas ang mga kamay ko para yakapin siya. Niyakap din niya ulit ako as I laid my head on his chest. Then in a small voice, I asked him, “Ano ba ang gagawin mo sa England?”

“It's a business matter, baby, na kailangan kong asikasuhin ng personal. Kung hindi lang naman importante ay hindi ako pupunta doon. I even asked them if I could send someone on my behalf instead as our wedding is coming, but they said that I should personally oversee it and fix it, leaving me with no choice but to go.”

Ramdam ko ang lungkot at panghihinayang sa boses ni Ashton, which makes me believe his words even more, na siya ring dahilan upang unti-unting maibsan ang galit ko dahil sa hindi niya pagsabi kaagad sa akin.

“But two months is quite long. Hindi ba pwedeng i-adjust? Paiksian?” Nakabusangot kong tanong sa kanya.

Bahagya siyang dumistansya ulit sa akin, though his arms remained on my waist.

He smiled at me gently and sweetly. “I know it sounds longer, but I am telling you, maiksi lang yun. Baka nga hindi mo namamalayan ay nakauwi na ako at kasal na tayo. Isa pa, tentative lang naman ang two months. There's a possibility na mas mapadali ang pag-ayos ko ng problema, which means na maaga din akong makakauwi.”

“But that could also mean that there's a possibility na mapahaba pa,” nakabusangot ko pa rin na sagot.

Umiling si Ashton. “Nope. The longest would be only two months. And if ever hindi pa man maayos ang problema within that, I'd still go home to you.” Puno ng assurance ang boses ni Ashton, making me leave with no choice but to believe him.

“Kailan ka aalis?”

“Next week,” sagot niya sa maliit na boses.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat. “Next week?”

Tumango si Ashton, confirming na hindi ako namali lang ng dinig.

“Next week ka na aalis, tapos ngayon mo lang balak na sabihin sa'kin? Ginagago mo ba ako, Ashton?” This time, hindi ko na nagawa pang pakalmahin ang sarili ko. I am really mad. Like, really furious!

How could he not tell me when he only has one week to stay?

Sa galit ko ay hindi ko na napigilan ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko. Naghalo-halo na ang mga emosyon ko—guilt, galit, inis, pagdaramdam, at lungkot dahil ilang araw na lang ay aalis na ang fiancé ko.

Muli akong niyakap ng mahigpit ni Ashton at paulit-ulit na hinalikan ang tuktok ng aking ulo.

“I'm sorry, baby. I'm really sorry.” He kept repeating those words, but these apologies of his weren't enough to make me stop crying. My tears just keep on falling down, and I am not doing anything to stop them or wipe them away. “I promise I'll be back in two months, baby. Please hold on to that,” he added as he continuously kissed the top of my head.

Ashton was probably thinking that the only reason for my tears is the sadness for his upcoming and sooner departure. What he didn't know is that there's more to that. Because aside from sadness, I am also worried.

I am worried that once Ashton leaves me, then Icarus will be making bolder actions towards me, and I don't think resistance and avoidance would be enough for me to fight him and the chaos he will be bringing to my life.