All The Way

"Please, honey, look at me," Daniel begs and looks at me as if he has no idea what to do, "We're… we’re going to have more pups, okay? We’re gonna be okay, I promise.”

Daniel's promise is only in hopes of making me feel better. Another pup isn't going to fill the hole the first one left, but I guess the fact that he's saying that means he doesn't consider me a bitch who killed his baby, so his plan works a little and I smile. I even make it through the rest of the burial without further complications, I just can't talk.

Daniel takes on the role of the social butterfly for this occasion, he's the one who keeps conversation going with the few people who want to come talk to us. I just manage to keep a grimace on my face that looks kinda like a smile until it's time to go home.

And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse and that I had hit rock bottom, I have my check-up appointment with my gynecologist. The words she says to me don't manage to penetrate my head until afterwards, so I calmly walk out of there and only once I'm in my favorite room to lose my mind in, do I allow myself to fall apart.

Uterus no longer viable. Irreparable damage. Chances are that even if you get pregnant again, you won't be able to have children.

So at the end of the day, Declan was absolutely right. I'm not good for anything, not even what I was created for. Every pup that is unfortunate enough to be put in me will be killed by me and my non-viable uterus.

I want to fucking die.

"Clara, you've been there all day," Daniel says from my phone but I don't say anything, I regret answering his call. I just want him to do his thing and go away, ignore me and pretend I don't exist, "Please get out of there."

"I still want to be alone, Daniel. I'll sleep here." I say, hoping he doesn't complain since he doesn’t seem to love sleeping next to me anyway, but Daniel lets out a sigh.

"No, Clara... you can't isolate yourself like this for so long," he says. My first reaction is to jump on the defensive and yell at him: what the fuck do you care? But I can't do that because I know he does care. That’s his thing, he cares a lot about everything, "Can you tell me what happened today? You had been relatively well."

"I can't tell you yet," I answer in a whisper, my throat tightening and my whole world falling on top of me once again, figuratively, "Just pretend I'm not here.”

"I'm not going to do that. I know you're in there locked in your little world of destruction. I can't even go near that room without being attacked by the smell of your pain and I can't just ignore it. Come out right now and talk to me."

"I'm sorry, but I can't," I say at last, my voice starting to crack again and I end the call.

Honestly, I know Daniel just wants to make me feel better as usual and I know he's going to try to tell me that it doesn't matter, but right now I don't deserve someone telling me that everything is okay and that it doesn't matter.

I want to suffer because I deserve it. I deserve it because I did this to my own body by clinging so tightly to a man who is not mine.

Daniel is not even a little bit mine. Mother Nature made us for other people and I know that. Still, I was stubborn and greedy and I wanted him mostly just to show him off.

But what did that leave me with? A dead child and a destroyed, useless body that's never going to be able to create what I really want.

And it's all my own fault.

I cover my face because the sound of my sobs makes me feel ashamed even in complete solitude and I bang my head to force myself to shut up. I want to shut up. I want to stop crying. I want to stop feeling like this all the time.

I can't take it anymore, how many years of the same misery can I take? I don't want this anymore.

I don't want anything anymore.

I groan and keep hitting my face, harder and harder each time. When that doesn't work, I start to scratch my arms deeply, drawing blood. I go on and on, not giving my body a chance to heal. The beige carpet under my feet is starting to fill with blood and the blood there makes me remember the moment I got out of bed and saw the blood stain there.

I'm seriously so fucking useless. I can't even stand up and do something to actually hurt myself, to end this like I should, I'm just sitting here hurting myself uselessly. I'm never going to die with these injuries.

Unless I...

There's a loud sound that startles me and when I look up, I can see Daniel there. He's just kicked the door and now he's heading towards me with determination in his eyes, but I'm mortified.

Fucking mortified.

"Get out of here!" I scream, covering my face to force the embarrassment to calm down, "I told you I wanted to be alone, Daniel. Just get the fuck out."

"What are you doing, Clara?" he asks in the softest voice I've ever heard from him, full of pity. Fuck, why doesn't he just walk away and leave me alone?

"I want you to leave, Daniel," I speak, trying to sound strong and pushing him away when he kneels in front of me and tries to grab my arms, "Not just this room. I want you to leave the house. To leave… me. You and I both know you don't even like me, so just leave."

"What happened today?" he insists, completely ignoring my words, his scent concerned, "Tell me, please. This isn't normal, even for you."

"If I tell you, will you leave?" I ask and though Daniel looks quizzical, he nods, "I can't have children. Ever. My uterus got too damaged and it's ‘no longer viable’, so if I keep getting pregnant I’m just going to keep killing children inside me. That's it. Can you leave now?"

Daniel goes completely silent after my words, his throat moves but he doesn't say anything and I can smell guilt on him, but that's not new. Daniel always smells guilty for one reason or another. 

"Why... why do you want me to leave?" he asks a few seconds later. blinking slowly and not letting go of my arms. He seriously looks confused, "I know I haven't been the man you deserve, but I really love you and I can't leave you alone, Clara. Especially at this moment. I can't... I won’t leave you alone."

"I'm giving you the out you've always wanted," I let out a laugh that isn't fun at all. Daniel lifts a hand and grabs my face to examine it closely, “You never wanted to marry me and I know it. So I need to end this farce now before you make me feel even more unwanted and ugly than you already make me feel. So, please. Just fucking leave."

His guilt becomes more evident, but when I see him starting to cry I stop talking. Daniel shakes his head.

"You are one of the most gorgeous omegas in the whole fucking country, Clara, please don't ever give me the power to make you feel bad about yourself," he begs and looks at me with a plea in his eyes, "There is one reason why I can't give you my one hundred percent, but I can't tell you about it yet. If it weren't for that, I swear I'd be the perfect alpha for you."

"I know. Daniel. That's why I'm telling you that we shou..."

"But being married to you is the only thing keeping me sane. And I feel like shit because all this time I've known you feel sad all day, every day and it's because of me. Everything, it's always my fault. I shouldn't have married you knowing what I know, but I was selfish and since then I haven't managed to find a way to fix things," he continues and reaches over to scent my hair for a second before releasing me to wipe the tears from his face, "And now I made you... your body... fuck, now I ruined everything again. This is happening because of me. I knew we couldn't have children, Clara. We're not compatible and I still... I'm so fucking sorry. If I had known this was going to hurt your body like this, I swear to Mother Nature I would have done something to prevent it."

"It's not just your fault. I obviously know we're not compatible, Daniel. I went to school, too," I tell him, but he snorts and shakes his head as if he knows something I don't, "I still don't understand why you don't want to break up."

"What do you mean, why?" he asks and lifts my arms up to my eyes for me to see them. They are starting to heal but we can still see my deep wounds, "I'd show you what your face looks like, but I don't want you to see it. You're being self-destructive and I can't let you keep doing it because... because I know it's because of me. Because I haven't been what you need me to be while you've given yourself completely to me in every way and I'm so sorry. It's... it was impossible for me to open up to you in the same way, but I promise I will now."

"I may look stupid, but I'm not," I say, raising a hand to his face, to caress it. Daniel sometimes reminds me of a street dog, trying to impress everyone who walks past him to try to convince them to take him home. He always needs to please everyone and that's what he's doing with me right now, "I know you don't love me and now that I can't even have children, I just don't see the point in..."

"Stop, please. Stop," Daniel begs me, "I love you, I really do. I just couldn't... fuck. I swear I love you, Clara. Please, all I want is for you to be okay. I promise you I'm going to do my best to make you happy, you deserve that. I just have to try harder.”

At the time I wasn't in a mental place of believing those words and was even upset that Daniel didn't want to accept my breakup, but contrary to everything I thought, Daniel was telling the truth. 

From the moment we left that room and he forced me back into our bed, I had a real husband.

Daniel touched me and kissed me like an alpha would an omega.

And the next day, too. And the next day, too. Daniel became the man I wanted to have from the beginning.

Suddenly I don't have to spend most of my days locked in that room, crying. And he even manages to make me feel better about our lost pup and the fact that there will be no more of them. 

Since I know that Daniel has something holding him back from giving himself completely to me, it stops bothering me so much that the sexual thing between us is so... off. At least I know there's something else going on and it's not about me. 

So I spend almost two years being actually happy... until everything suddenly explodes at the same time.

My father is attacked. My little sister comes back, along with my husband's son. Daniel admits they are a compatible couple, but surprisingly he doesn't break up with me… until he’s close to dying and can no longer deny he needs to be with his omega, so I have no choice but to accept that shit and let Daniel go.

It's not easy. But, truth be told, it's not as hard as I thought it would be. 

I know I'm in a good place mentally because I don't cry for days, or moan or complain to the universe for being against me. It’s just... annoying. Especially since Olivia is a little shit and a spoiled rat, but I think I'll survive.

➿➿➿➿

I'm getting drunk with my friends and dancing, wearing a little dress and having fun as a single omega for the first time in a long long time, when Lucinda calls me and I have to step away from the group to answer.

"Tomorrow at six in the morning I need you to go to the security building. They found the rogue wolves and you need to process them for trial," Lucinda says, ruining my fun with that boring work stuff. 

"Okay, I'll be there," I answer and end the call to go back to my friends and keep drinking.