Debrief

{ Clara }

[ Through the years ]

My dream came true as soon as I became an omega, just as I imagined. That’s all it took.

Daniel started showing interest in me in a way he hadn't before... but it's been almost two years since then and so far nothing has happened but a few flirtatious comments here and there. Daniel treats me perfectly well, just like before, but that's about it. He hasn't asked me to go out with him or shown me anything beyond wanting to be my friend until this past week.

I was with my friends hanging out and eating in Deborah's car as we drove by the clan when I recognized my sister Olivia playing football with Daniel and his alpha friends. My sister is only sixteen and shouldn't be hanging out with those older guys, but I decide not to make a fuss... instead, I call Daniel and invite him over to my house to ask him why he's hanging out with my little sister. For some reason that feels like... I don't know, like something he's doing to get my attention.

It's incredibly cute, especially when I ask Daniel if he's doing it to get closer to me and he accepts it with a shy little nod.

I've never seen Daniel be shy with me or anyone else, so that fills me with excitement. From that moment, Daniel has been coming over more and more to my house, but he doesn’t spend as much time with me as I would like. His new friendship with Olivia means that they spend most of their time outside playing around or inside the house watching TV, ignoring me and everyone around them. Sometimes I meet Daniel's eyes and he grimaces at me like he can't get rid of Olivia, but other than that, I don't see any effort on his part to get closer to me.

It doesn't matter, I'm patient. I can wait until he's ready, I could wait forever... okay, maybe not, but I'm so in love at this point that I really feel that I could.

Months and months go by and Daniel gives me so many mixed signals that I could go crazy at any moment. His friendship with Lucinda and his new status as my little sister’s best friend means he spends most of his free time at my house.

My dad adores Daniel and so does my mom, they go on and on about him when he's not around, saying what a good guy he is and how much they love that he sets a good example for Olivia, because she’s most likely a beta. And sometimes my mom makes insinuating comments to me to do something to catch him, but I just ignore her instead of yelling: I'M FUCKING TRYING!

And I really am trying. If he's one of those men who need a push, I'll do it. I’ll push him until he falls for me.

My wolf doesn't get as excited about Daniel as I'd like her to, she's indifferent to him, but I don’t really give a fuck because I want to have him more and more.

There are certain alphas around the clan that have shown interest in me, but I don't pay attention to them because I’m completely fixated on having Daniel. I don't just feel like I love him... I seriously think everything about him is perfect for me.

Amelia, Daniel's mother, is always incredibly nice to me, so much so that it's starting to get suspicious. She says Daniel talks about me a lot and how he loves spending time with me 'every day'. I imagine she doesn't know that I don't really see him or talk to him every day, that's Oli. Or Lucinda, even. I don't. But the fact that his mother has her eye on me means something. He must like me.

I realize I need to be more assertive and that's how I slowly push Daniel to find moments to escape from Olivia and come over to talk to me.

The first time I hear someone knock on my bedroom door and see Daniel out there when I open the door, my heart nearly leaps out of my throat.

"Hey," I greet, trying to look calm. I'm wearing pajamas and my hair isn't brushed. I don't even have makeup on and I want to scream, but Daniel just smiles and gives me an up and down look, "What's up?"

"Hey... I managed to sneak out for a moment," he says quietly with a complicit look, "Can I come in?"

"Ah, sure," I reply and move to the side to let him in. My nerves skyrocket and my heart starts pumping like crazy. Fück. He's so tall and so big, he could lift me up on one arm if he wanted to. I hope he wants to.

"I've never seen you like this," he comments once I close the door and turn to look at him in confusion, "I don't know, relaxed. I like it."

Oh, my goodness. I don't even know what my response to that is, but somehow Daniel spends almost an hour locked in here with me, filling my room with his scent, saying things that make me fall for him more.

Daniel is in the academy to be part of security, his family lives in the biggest house on their street and his mother is always dressed in designer head-to-toe. I want to be like that. I want that life with him. So much it hurts.

When his phone starts vibrating and he tells me he has to go, my whole body deflates, but I act like it doesn't matter and say goodbye to him.

I live on those kinds of small interactions for far too long, far longer than I should. In the meantime, I worry about growing into the woman I want to be and focus on my own life, giving him time to come to me when he's ready. If he ever is.

➿➿➿➿

Daniel's proposal is the biggest surprise I've ever felt in my entire life.

I knew something was off when my mother pushed me harder than usual to look extremely perfect for my father's party at the chapel.

The second I see Daniel approach... and approach until he gets in front of me and then down to one knee, my heart stops working. It's short-circuited. This can't seriously be happening.

This is literally a dream come true. How many years have I been waiting for this? A lot more than I would like to admit.

These last few months after Olivia presented as an omega have been strange. And sometimes I've come to think that maybe there's something between them. Daniel has had his head somewhere else since then and even though he still was flirty at times... I honestly didn’t feel a spark for months and was even starting to put Daniel aside. I even started dating guys on the down-low and doing with them what I wanted to do with him.

But here he is now. Getting down on one knee in front of me. I know it’s not normal because he has never even kissed me before, but there's no way in hell I'm going to say no to the only man I've ever loved. Even if every braincell in my head starts telling me there's something weird going on right now.

I ignore my brain because whatever happens and even if this is weird, what I'm feeling right now is worth it. So I say yes and all the guests celebrate for me. Daniel's mom hugs me with all her might and doesn't let go for the rest of the night talking and distracting me so much that I almost don't notice that my sister is missing and Daniel went looking for her.

I don’t even worry because Olivia is dramatic and needs attention to survive. I put that aside and concentrate on enjoying the best day of my life.

That is, until Daniel tells me the truth.

He comes up to me smelling of pure guilt and misery and squeezes my hands as he tells me with absolute sincerity how his parents created a whole plan to get us together because they want to be close to our family. Daniel looks destroyed as he tells me this and I think he expects me to burst into tears, but the truth is I'm not as surprised as I should be, just a little disappointed. I knew something was off from the beginning and I tell him that.

I can see how my words make Daniel feel even more miserable and guilty. Then I tell him we can still do it. We can get married. If it can help his family and therefore him, I'm willing to get married not exactly for love.

That makes Daniel pause and look at me deeply. And then he accepts.

So, I always knew.

I always knew Daniel wasn't in love with me, I knew he wasn't even that attracted to me.

My father gave us a house and we started living together as a couple of friends instead of a real couple. We didn't even have our first real kiss until our honeymoon and I was the one who started it. Daniel froze for a few moments, but then responded to my kiss.

His kiss is so delicious that I can keep deluding myself.

Just for this kiss, I'm willing to not care that my husband doesn't have much interest in me. It's selfish and horrible because I know Daniel has not been well since Olivia left. His scent has changed since then and he's lost most of the day, like he's just going through the motions of life without being present.

The only time I've seen him happy in a long time was when my father decided to give him the position of Head of Security. That day the Daniel I knew was back, at least for a couple of hours.

Sometimes I can feel Daniel making an effort. He makes more of an effort to show me affection and attention, he tries to be a little more romantic even though I can tell it's just that... an effort. I can feel how every time he kisses me his throat moves before, as if he's swallowing in preparation for something difficult.

To be honest, all of this makes me feel incredibly pathetic.

Accepting a marriage where the man doesn't want me in the slightest is the lowest I've ever fallen. It's horrible and my wolf hates me for this. My wolf only communicates to let me know how disappointed she is in me and disappears most of the time.

And I'm disappointed in me too, but I try to hide how I feel. I try to hide it by forcing myself to find happiness through material things. Pretty clothes, fancy bags, expensive shoes, jewelry.

I've always loved these things, but when Daniel starts giving them to me, they feel so much more important somehow. I think it's mostly because I can show them off.

Showing off my prefabricated life is the only thing that keeps me alive and I become the most envied omega in the clan, at least among my generation. Everyone who was ever interested in Daniel is dying of envy for our house, our pictures and the things he gives me as gifts or that I buy with his card.

And that makes me feel a little better about myself even with how pathetic everything is, especially how my stomach explodes with excitement with every little bit of affection Daniel shows me, every kiss he forces himself to give me.

And every time he has to force himself to help me in my heat because it's his duty as my husband, but I can smell how much he's not interested. And not only that, how disgusted he feels.

Every time that happens, I have to go lock myself in another room and cry for hours. I hate myself and I don't know how to get out of this situation. I know I made a mistake, I don't deserve this. But how can I ask for a divorce? That would be social suicide.

And social value is the only thing I have these days. I can't lose it.

So I just decide to take inhibitors so I don't have to force Daniel to touch me when he obviously doesn't want to. I also try not to think about how he hasn't had a single rut since we've been married. That's just weird. A healthy alpha has ruts at least once every three to four months... why hasn't Daniel had a single one in two years?

As time goes on, Daniel starts to become a little more... involved. I don't know what caused the change, but suddenly he doesn't seem to mind being alone with me, suddenly his kisses don't feel incredibly awkward and his hands touch me more when we're together. So I decide that for my next heat I won't use inhibitors and that's when it happens.

We have sëx for the first time. For the first time in the almost two years that we've been fücking married. And that was enough.

Positive.

I'm pregnant.

My biggest wish, even bigger than having Daniel, is to have a child. To give birth. And suddenly I realize it's been worth it.

These years of feeling miserable, worthless, disgusting and just plain shïtty have been worth it because I will have a pup of my own.