00 | DOWNFALL

SEX WITH MY husband is only great when I have his brother in my mind.

Instead of my husband inside me, I picture his brother deep in me, how his rough, calloused would feel wrapped around my neck, the feeling of his naked body pressed against mine, the scandalous things he would whisper that would caress my skin like the finest of silks, the tantalizing positions we would be in as I reach somewhere where I've never been. What-

"Nicole!" My husband gasps my name one last time as he comes inside me with a sloppy thrust. He collapses right next to me with his naked body pressing against mine. His gasps for air trickle down my neck as if he ran a mile and all I can do is blink and stare at the beige-colored ceiling above me as I try to not let disappointment wash all over me even though it happens every time. Gianni cums faster than the speed of light as soon as his male part is inside me and all I can do is lay under him lifelessly, whimpering in pain.

The freedom to make your own decisions wasn't written in my fate, unwilling, all I could was accept everything served to me. That being my arranged marriage to Gianni Russo- a 50-year-old who I'm supposed to love devotedly but I can't bring myself to. Ever since I was able to speak, everything in my life revolved around him. My favorite color was what his favorite color was, and my favorite food was what his favorite food was, and I had to read the books that he used to send for me, and listen to the songs he decided for me. Even the clothes I used to wear were decided by him.

At the age of sixteen, Gianni introduced me to porn. He would come home every night and show me those videos to teach me how to please him when we got married. To help me practice, he would make me take off my clothes and do things the women in those videos did.

I would touch him, he would moan. When he touched me, I cried in pain.

Even after marriage when we finally had sex, all I felt was excruciating pain when he entered me. He told me that it happens the first time but I've never felt anything other than pain whenever we have sex.

But there was one exception, that unforgettable night. I sneaked into a club once with my friend Caterina and there I met someone, who hasn't left my thoughts since then, who's plagued my very being, who made all of the things taught to me by my parents and husband-shatter.

Five orgasms. He made me have five heart hammering, thighs trembling, body pulsing, euphoric, sense losing, catastrophic orgasms.

That night lots of things got lost from me, things that I didn't know I had, things that I don't want back, things I want to feel again.

It's been a total of six months and five days since I exchanged vows and rings with Gianni and all my husband does is come home every day, showers, and then pushes himself inside me, and with two thrusts he's done, then he leaves me there and probably goes to his other lovers. The words of my mother float in my head- telling me that it is okay for a man to have other women even after he was married but a woman must stay completely devoted to him. This regime carries out every day and there is never a day where I don't feel utterly useless but still completely used.

Sliding from the bed and walking towards the bathroom with a heavy heart I turn on the shower.

Taking a deep breath and then releasing it, I begin scrubbing myself. Hard. Everywhere. To get rid of my husband's touches. The tears that escape from my eyes silently get mixed with the water and then disappear down the drain as if they never left my eyes.

Scrubbing myself, my thoughts get lost to my wedding day, when I saw the same man who's consumed my very being. The heavens were not on my side because he turned out to be Gianni's cousin brother, Alessio Russo- who is the head of the Russo family. Due to my nervousness, I couldn't gaze or even utter a word to him but the whole wedding I felt his dark gaze burning holes in my body.

If Gianni ever found out about that night in the club, he would do things to me that my imagination can't even begin to visualize.

Throwing negative thoughts like that aside, I turn off the shower and wrap a robe around me. Gianni stands in front of me with his shirt in hand along with a smile on his face.

"Will my beautiful wife help me wear this shirt?"

Taking and releasing one deep breath, I smile at him, "Of course."

He puts his arm in the shirt as I hold it up for him, the protruding belly and grey hair all over his chest greet me but my smile doesn't flatter.

As soon as I'm done buttoning up his shirt, I rush towards my closet and look at all the dresses, contemplating which one to wear. Tonight, we are invited by Alessio to his house for dinner, my heart starts hammering against my rib cage just thinking about him. All I can do is send a silent prayer to God, to save me.

To save me from the downfall that awaits me.